Don’t try to talk people out of how they feel at first. Just listen and let them unload emotionally without being defensive. Nod that you understand even when you don’t agree. Feelings are not always true or logical. In fact, resentment makes us act and think in foolish ways. The psalmist admitted, “When my thoughts were bitter and my feelings were hurt, I was as stupid as an animal.”14 We all act beastly when hurt.
In contrast, the Bible says, “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.”15 Patience comes from wisdom, and wisdom comes from hearing the perspective of others. Listening says, “I value your opinion, I care about our relationship, and you matter to me.” The cliché is true: People don’t care what we know until they know we care.
To restore fellowship “we must bear the ‘burden’ of being considerate of the doubts and fears of others…Let’s please the other fellow, not ourselves, and do what is for his good.”16 It is a sacrifice to patiently absorb the anger of others, especially if it’s unfounded. But remember, this is what Jesus did for you. He endured unfounded, malicious anger in order to save you: “Christ did not indulge his own feelings…as scripture says: The insults of those who insult you fall on me.”17
Confess your part of the conflict. If you are serious about restoring a relationship, you should begin with admitting your own mistakes or sin. Jesus said it’s the way to see things more clearly: “First get rid of the log from your own eye; then perhaps you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye.”18
Since we all have blind spots, you may need to ask a third party to help you evaluate your own actions before meeting with the person with whom you have a conflict. Also ask God to show you how much of the problem is your fault. Ask, “Am I the problem? Am I being unrealistic, insensitive, or too sensitive?” The Bible says, “If we claim that we’re free of sin, we’re only fooling ourselves.”19
Confession is a powerful tool for reconciliation. Often the way we handle a conflict creates a bigger hurt than the original problem itself. When you begin by humbly admitting your mistakes, it defuses the other person’s anger and disarms their attack because they were probably expecting you to be defensive. Don’t make excuses or shift the blame; just honestly own up to any part you have played in the conflict. Accept responsibility for your mistakes and ask for forgiveness.
Attack the problem, not the person. You cannot fix the problem if you’re consumed with fixing the blame. You must choose between the two. The Bible says, “A gentle response defuses anger, but a sharp tongue kindles a temper-fire.”20 You will never get your point across by being cross, so choose your words wisely. A soft answer is always better than a sarcastic one.
In resolving conflict, how you say it is as important as what you say.
In resolving conflict, how you say it is as important as what you say. If you say it offensively, it will be received defensively. God tells us, “A wise, mature person is known for his understanding. The more pleasant his words, the more persuasive he is.”21 Nagging never works. You are never persuasive when you’re abrasive.
During the Cold War, both sides agreed that some weapons were so destructive they should never be used. Today chemical and biological weapons are banned, and the stockpiles of nuclear weapons are being reduced and destroyed. For the sake of fellowship, you must destroy your arsenal of relational nuclear weapons, including condemning, belittling, comparing, labeling, insulting, condescending, and being sarcastic. Paul sums it up this way: “Do not use harmful words, but only helpful words, the kind that build up and provide what is needed, so that what you say will do good to those who hear you.”22
Cooperate as much as possible. Paul said, “Do everything possible on your part to live in peace with everybody.”23 Peace always has a price tag. Sometimes it costs our pride; it often costs our self-centeredness. For the sake of fellowship, do your best to compromise, adjust to others, and show preference to what they need.24 A paraphrase of Jesus’ seventh beatitude says, “You’re blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That’s when you discover who you really are, and your place in God’s family.”25
Emphasize reconciliation, not resolution. It is unrealistic to expect everyone to agree about everything. Reconciliation focuses on the relationship, while resolution focuses on the problem. When we focus on reconciliation, the problem loses significance and often becomes irrelevant.