Another part of courtesy is not downplaying other people’s doubts. Just because you don’t fear something doesn’t make it an invalid feeling. Real community happens when people know it is safe enough to share their doubts and fears without being judged.
Cultivating community takes confidentiality. Only in the safe environment of warm acceptance and trusted confidentiality will people open up and share their deepest hurts, needs, and mistakes. Confidentiality does not mean keeping silent while your brother or sister sins. It means that what is shared in your group needs to stay in your group, and the group needs to deal with it, not gossip to others about it.
The fellowship of the church is more important than any individual.
God hates gossip, especially when it is thinly disguised as a “prayer request” for someone else. God says, “Gossip is spread by wicked people; they stir up trouble and break up friendships.”18 Gossip always causes hurt and divisions, and it destroys fellowship, and God is very clear that we are to confront those who cause division among Christians.19 They may get mad and leave your group or church if you confront them about their divisive actions, but the fellowship of the church is more important than any individual.
Cultivating community takes frequency. You must have frequent, regular contact with your group in order to build genuine fellowship. Relationships take time. The Bible tells us, “Let us not give up the habit of meeting together, as some are doing. Instead, let us encourage one another.”20 We are to develop the habit of meeting together. A habit is something you do with frequency, not occasionally. You have to spend time with people—a lot of time—to build deep relationships. This is why fellowship is so shallow in many churches; we don’t spend enough time together, and the time we do spend is usually listening to one person speak.
Community is built not on convenience (“we’ll get together when I feel like it”) but on the conviction that I need it for spiritual health. If you want to cultivate real fellowship, it will mean meeting together even when you don’t feel like it, because you believe it is important. The first Christians met together every day! “They worshiped together regularly at the Temple each day, met in small groups in homes for Communion , and shared their meals with great joy and thankfulness.”21 Fellowship requires an investment of time.
If you are a member of a small group or class, I urge you to make a group covenant that includes the nine characteristics of biblical fellowship: We will share our true feelings (authenticity), encourage each other (mutuality), support each other (sympathy), forgive each other (mercy), speak the truth in love (honesty), admit our weaknesses (humility), respect our differences, (courtesy), not gossip (confidentiality), and make group a priority (frequency).
When you look at the list of characteristics, it is obvious why genuine fellowship is so rare. It means giving up our self-centeredness and independence in order to become interdependent. But the benefits of sharing life together far outweigh the costs, and it prepares us for heaven.
DAY NINETEEN
THINKING ABOUT MY PURPOSE
Point to Ponder: Community requires commitment.
Verse to Remember: “We understand what love is when we realize that Christ gave his life for us. That means we must give our lives for other believers.” 1 John 3:16 (GWT)
Question to Consider: How can I help cultivate today the characteristics of real community in my small group and my church?
20
Restoring Broken Fellowship
[God] has restored our relationship with him through Christ, and has given us this ministry of restoring relationships.
2 Corinthians 5:18 (GWT)
Relationships are always worth restoring.
Because life is all about learning how to love, God wants us to value relationships and make the effort to maintain them instead of discarding them whenever there is a rift, a hurt, or a conflict. In fact, the Bible tells us that God has given us the ministry of restoring relationships.1 For this reason a significant amount of the New Testament is devoted to teaching us how to get along with one another. Paul wrote, “If you’ve gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you,…Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends.”2 Paul taught that our ability to get along with others is a mark of spiritual maturity.3
Since Christ wants his family to be known for our love for each other,4 broken fellowship is a disgraceful testimony to unbelievers. This is why Paul was so embarrassed that the members of the church in Corinth were splitting into warring factions and even taking each other to court. He wrote, “Shame on you! Surely there is at least one wise person in your fellowship who can settle a dispute between fellow Christians.”5 He was shocked that no one in the church was mature enough to resolve the conflict peaceably. In the same letter, he said, “I’ll put it as urgently as I can: You must get along with each other.”6