Once dried off, I cringed as I put on the dirty clothes I'd come here in, silently cursing myself for not having the presence of mind to at least grab a new package of underwear. I'd never gone without underwear before – well, except when Preston had asked me to – but now, if ever, was the time.
Once dressed, I checked out of the motel and sat in my car, having no idea where I was headed. I hadn't thought of a plan past the parking lot, but I was determined to make a change.
I started my car and headed toward the nearest Target.
I had my new carry-on bag filled with new clothes, more tiny toiletries, a few pairs of comfortable shoes, and a paperback book I'd grabbed when the cover caught my eye, and I was near a panic attack.
I was standing in front of a giant screen, taller than I was, listing all the flights leaving the Portland International Airport that day. My mind reeled, trying to pinpoint a destination. It shouldn't have been a big deal, shouldn't have been the monumental decision my mind was forcing it to be. I knew I needed to leave, to get away, but I couldn't nail a location down. Anywhere was better than here. My mind wanted to attach a bigger meaning to wherever I ended up, like I should be going someplace that would scream independence and a new start, but some other part of me also wanted adventure and excitement. I wanted to go someplace I'd never been, to hopefully start living a life I'd never lived.
Unfortunately, at the moment, anywhere international was out of the question since, as I'd run from the house, I'd not thought to grab my passport. That left only domestic destinations until I could get a new one.
I had my driver's license and twenty thousand dollars. Hawaii suddenly sounded like the perfect place to start a new life.
Just thirty minutes later, I was booked on a flight and waiting at my gate. I pulled my phone out of my purse and turned it on, ignoring the influx of messages I'd ignored for four days. I did, however, send one. To Sam.
**Hey. I just wanted to let you know I am okay, but I'm not going to be around for a while. I can't tell you much more, but I'll be in contact.**
I hit send and my heart broke a little because I couldn't tell her everything I wanted to, couldn't tell her what happened with Derrek, what happened with Preston, and why I was leaving. And I knew she'd freak out at my vague text. But I also knew she couldn't be the one person who knew where I was – I couldn't do that to her. The less she knew, the better.
**I'll text you in a few days when things have settled down. Just know I'm okay and I love you. **
I saw a new text arrive from her, but I couldn't bring myself to open it, knowing it would just be questions I couldn't answer. So I walked to a garbage can and threw the phone away. I was officially and absolutely cut off from my old life entirely. And even though I was glad some parts were over and gone, other parts, I knew, would haunt me for a very long time. Even an ocean couldn't make me forget the things my heart wanted to hold onto. But I was hoping warm sand, beautiful sights, and a new life would help me heal and move forward.
Chapter Two
It had been three weeks since I boarded that plane to Hawaii, and even though I was far from healed, I was at least starting to put the pieces back together.
I'd never been to Hawaii before and so when I'd gotten off the plane in Maui, I'd had no idea where to start. First, I asked my cab driver to take me to the beach. When I'd first set foot on the beautiful sand, I'd taken my first deep breath in days. I could feel the air seep into my lungs, offering something I'd been lacking for years – life. I was breathing in new life.
After I'd sat on the beach for an hour or two, I walked until I found a motel that looked safe and inexpensive. I was smart enough to know Hawaii was expensive, but I also knew if I didn't watch my money, it would be gone long before I'd accomplished my task of, well, finding a new life.
Luckily, the motel had vacancies and wasn't too pricey. I paid upfront for a whole week and then asked the woman helping me where the best place to buy some groceries would be, and how to take the bus to get there.
"You're all by yourself?" the woman asked, hesitantly. She was a round woman, probably in her fifties, and I assumed she was a native as she looked everything like a born and raised Hawaiian woman would look in my mind. She was soft and warm and beautiful. Her dark hair was flowing freely around her shoulders, graced with just a few strands of silver laced throughout. Admittedly, if she'd been a man and asked me the same question, I would have lied and made up a story about my husband waiting in the car, but something about this woman left me feeling like she couldn't hurt a fly if she tried.
"Yes. This is sort of an unexpected trip."
"What brings a girl as pretty as you to the island all alone? Surely there's someone who wants to keep you company."
I couldn't even bring myself to think of a lie for her, something to assure her I wasn't as lonely and pathetic as she was trying not to see me as.
"Nope. No one wants to keep me company."
She gave me a sad look, but then directed me to a small grocery store and told me which bus I could take to get there.
"If you ever need anything, I live just on the second floor in room thirty. If I'm not here, I'm usually there." She paused, giving me an encouraging look. "I'm a real good listener, if you ever need to talk."
I smiled at her because what she was offering was sweet. I held my hand out to her. "My name's Lena."
"I'm Rose," she answered with a wider smile.
"It's nice to meet you," I said as I let go of her hand. "And thanks for the directions."
"Anytime," she replied, and I got the feeling she wasn't only talking about the directions.
This room was nicer than the one I'd gotten in Portland. I put my bag down on the bed and flipped on the lights in the attached bathroom. I saw my reflection in the mirror and instantly knew why Rose had seemed concerned about me. I looked just as torn up on the outside as I felt on the inside.
There were dark, plump bags under my eyes. My hair was in disarray, tumbled on top of my head in a dark nest of tangles and knots. My skin was pale, nearly gray. In other words, I looked like shit. I sighed at my appearance, but knew there was nothing more to do about it than sleep and eat.
Feeling more gross than anything, I hopped in the shower, hoping to wash away the grime of a day's worth of traveling. When I emerged from the shower, I didn't feel much better, but I looked it. The sun had set, and after a yawn, I decided it would be better to explore the island tomorrow in daylight than try to navigate a new area in the dark.
I flipped off all the lights and crawled into the queen sized bed, but only curled up on one side. I closed my eyes and tried to empty my brain, but just like the last few nights I'd spent by myself, my mind decided to torture me with images and memories of Preston. It was a nightly battle between my head and my heart. My heart remembered his touch, his words, and his body. I rolled back and forth, trying to get comfortable while I pictured Preston above me, slowly pumping in and out, while whispering sweet words of love and promises of a future together. My brain ached with the sound of Derrek's words floating around my head. Preston was hired by Derrek to ruin my life – and he'd succeeded.
Still, I didn't cry. I never let go of the control of my body, except for the tears that still slid silently down my face. That was something I couldn't control. In the dark, tears spilled. But I managed to keep it to that – just tears. No sobs. No hiccups. No wailing. I needed to keep something for myself, and control was the only thing I had left. I would give no more of my body to a man who hadn't wanted it to begin with.
For three weeks this had been my nightly routine: Go to bed with the intention of shutting my brain down, then give in to the relentless flooding of memories of Preston. I hated it, but I think I loved it more. It was sadistic and completely debilitating. Every morning I looked like I hadn't slept a wink, and in truth, I wasn't sleeping much.
But today I needed to look better than I felt. Today I had a job interview with a prominent marketing firm on the island. It was an entry-level position. I would be starting from the bottom and working my way up, but for once that was going to be a relief. Never had I worked for much of anything. I'd had a lot of things handed to me, and I was through with handouts. I wanted this job, but mostly because it would be the first thing I'd ever earned.
I took the bus downtown, dressed in the nicest outfit I'd purchased since I'd been on the island; something I bought especially for the occasion. I felt confident and attractive, and hoped I looked competent and approachable. I watched the amazing scenery pass by my window, still in awe of the beauty the Hawaiian Islands offered. It was, by far, the most breathtaking place I'd ever been.