“You were to be at the ships, ready to sail on the instant!” I yelled. “What are we to do if there is news of an attack?”
He looked me over. “Do you really think you’re in any shape to lead us?”
“I could be carried to the ships and sober up on the voyage out!” I told him. “How I get into fighting shape is my business, not yours! What are you laughing at?” This last was addressed to Alpheus and Flavia, who seemed unreasonably amused by my embarrassment.
“Suppose the pirates were to strike the city right now!” Flavia whooped. “How would it sound in the Forum, when Pompey’s men spread the word that Metellus and his whole crew were gorged and besotted at the banquet tables when the enemy came calling!”
“If Themistocles and his men had been like this the night before Salamis,” Alpheus put in, “I’d be composing verses to Ahura-Mazda in Persian right now!”
“No one attacks at night,” Ion asserted, refilling his cup. “We’ll be ready to sail at dawn, and a sailor who can’t put to sea with a hangover is a poor excuse for a seaman anyway.”
“Well, not much to be done about it now,” I said, my indignation running out like wine from a punctured skin. Just be ready to sail at first light.”
“Let’s be away from here,” Flavia urged, pressing a great deal of soft flesh against my side. “It’s noisy in this place. My litter is somewhere around here. Let’s go find it. Come along, Decius.” There it was: the praenomen.
I looked for Alpheus and saw him making a discreet exit. The man was the soul of diplomacy. Joining Flavia in some secluded nook seemed like a fine idea, which shows the condition I was in. Abruptly, the soft flesh pressing against me was replaced by hard muscle on both sides.
“Why, here you are, Captain!” said Ariston, taking one arm in a steely grip.
“Better come along with us,” Hermes said, gripping the other. “Tomorrow comes early, as you keep reminding me.” He turned to Flavia. “My lady, we have to get the master to bed.”
She looked him over, then she gave Ariston an even longer look, up and down. “That sounds like an excellent idea. Why don’t we all find a place to relax away from this crowd? I know a house just two streets away that provides all the amenities we could wish.”
Hermes leaned close to my ear and whispered, “Julia could be here tomorrow.” That did it. He might as well have cast me into icy water.
“Flavia,” I said, “much as I appreciate your generous offer, duty comes first for an officer of the Senate and People. I must be ready to sail at daylight.”
She looked at me with great disfavor. “I had hoped better of you, Decius.” She turned and walked away. I sighed after her twitching, Coan-veiled buttocks.
“There goes a shipwreck in woman’s form,” said Ariston. “Come along, Captain. Plenty more where that one came from and much better time for them than tonight.”
My two faithful if somewhat insubordinate followers hoisted me off to my quarters.
“UP!” SOMEBODY SHOUTED. “GET UP and get dressed!”
“Why?” I asked, not entirely sure where I was. I was fairly certain that I wasn’t in Rome, but that left a lot of territory to be considered. Gaul? Alexandria? Somehow I felt not. I knew it would come to me, given time.
Hermes yanked me to my feet and pulled my military tunic down over my shaky body. I was on military duty, that was clear enough. “What is going on?” Even to my own ears I sounded querulous as a used-up old man.
“The pirates have been seen!” Hermes said. “They sailed right past the harbor mouth, bold as purple-assed baboons!”
“Pirates!” I cried. “Thank the gods! For a moment there I thought the Gauls were attacking. Well, by all means, let’s go kill these pirates so I can get back to bed.”
Somehow Hermes got me fully dressed, armed, and halfway presentable and, accompanied by the redoubtable Ariston, we hurried down to the naval harbor.
Ion had the ships in the water and fully manned, although many of the men were cradling their heads or vomiting over the sides or collapsed at their benches. I clambered onto my ship and gave orders to push off. Cleopatra’s ship came smartly alongside.
“We have been waiting for you,” she said, seeming a bit indignant. “They went past about an hour ago, sailing southward. My own lookout spotted them.”
“Did you see them with your own eyes?” I asked.
“I did.”
“How did you get down here in time?”
“I slept on my ship, as you should have done! And I kept my crew here as well. No banqueting allowed. Now we will lose them!”