"Ruby, can you tell me what's wrong?"
She finally looked up at me, but then burst into tears. She reached up to wipe the tears away, but I went straight to her and wrapped my arms around her, running my hand down her hair. I held her while she cried and I just kept praying she'd tell me what was upsetting her. Finally, the cries died down, but she didn't let go of me. A few moments later, she finally spoke.
"I think I started my period."
There were so many emotions blooming in my mind, it was hard to keep them all from overwhelming me. The first was relief; I was so glad there wasn't something more serious bothering her. The second was concern, then confusion, and then I just wanted to hug her.
So I did.
"Is this your first one, sweetie?" I asked gently, trying not to say the wrong thing. She nodded against my chest, and my heart just ached for her. Suddenly, everything fell into place: her stomachache, the fatigue, the general ickiness she felt. This would also be a huge reminder of the fact that her mother was gone. No matter how well Ruby and I got along, no matter how much she liked me, I could only think of how much she was probably missing her mother. I knew I could never replace her, but right then I vowed I would do everything to make this day easier for her.
"It's okay. Hey," I said, pulling away and cupping her wet face with my hands. "Everything is going to be all right. I know it's scary and probably not a lot of fun right now, but this is a magical day, Ruby. Today's the day you become a woman." I couldn't help the tears that stung my eyes and the pinching in the back of my throat. "I know it doesn't feel like it, but this is something to celebrate." I let out a little laugh. The words were so true, but I hated getting my period. "You're part of an elite club now."
"An elite club?" she asked, her tone sardonic.
"Yes," I exclaimed. "Being a woman is a beautiful thing, and even though it sometimes sucks, you should appreciate all the things your body is capable of. You don't need to think about having kids for another ten or fifteen years, maybe even twenty, but this is just your body preparing itself for the most amazing feats."
"Amazing feats?" she parroted, still not buying into my spiel.
"Growing and birthing babies. It's the most amazing thing anyone will ever do with their body, and only women can do it, Ruby. It's a gift."
"It doesn't feel like a gift."
"I know. Most of the time it doesn't, but it is." My throat tightened again, thinking about the torture of still getting a period, my monthly reminder that my body was broken.
"Do you have anything at home? Pads? Midol?"
"My school gave out these little boxes that have three pads in them," she said.
"Well, that's not going to do the trick at all. You've got nothing else at home?"
She raised her eyebrows at me. "No. I haven't asked my dad to stock up on maxi pads just in case I started my period."
I laughed and ran my thumb under her eye, trying to dry the last of the tears.
"Fair point." She laughed with me. "Okay, new plan. We're headed to Target. We can get everything we need there. Do you still want to try on swimsuits?"
She thought about the question, and her face scrunched up, giving me my answer.
"Of course not. I wouldn't want to try on swimsuits while on my period either. Okay," I said with new enthusiasm. "We'll go to Target, get everything we need, then we'll pick out a few swimsuits you think you'll like, buy them, and then later tonight or tomorrow you can try them on at home. Keep whichever one you want and I'll return the rest." I ran my hands down the sides of her face, then rested them on her shoulders. "Sound like a plan?"
"Okay," she said softly. "But … ," she started, then looked as though she was too embarrassed to continue.
"Hey, you can ask me anything, Ruby. Okay? Anything."
She took a breath then said, "What should I do right now? You know, about the blood."
"Right," I said, thinking. I had exactly one tampon in my purse, not ideal for an eleven-year-old. "Is there a lot? Has it leaked through your underwear onto your jeans?"
"No. Not yet. There isn't much."
"Okay, good." I walked to where the toilet paper was and pulled a bunch off, wrapping it around my hand until there was a thick pad. "I'm going to step outside and I want you to put this in your underwear. Do you know where it goes?" She nodded but didn't say anything. "This will be fine for the drive to Target. As soon as we get there, we'll buy everything we need and then get fixed up in the bathroom. Don't worry. Every woman has faced this dilemma. You are not alone." I handed her the toilet paper pad, then made my way out of the bathroom, giving her my best smile before I shut the door behind me. I heard the lock click into place and I leaned against the wall, letting out a deep breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding.
After a few quiet minutes, Ruby finally emerged from the bathroom.
"Good to go?" I asked, putting a smile on, trying to communicate that everything was going to be all right.
"Yeah," she said, although she didn't look too convinced.
We walked out to the car and I could tell she was tense. I totally understood. Any woman would understand the dreaded walk through a public place when you weren't properly equipped with suitable period protection. It was horrifying and embarrassing all at the same time-no matter your age.
We made it to the car and she slid in with a sigh of relief.
"Everything will be fine, Ruby. Promise." She gave me a weak smile, but I could tell she didn't believe me. At least, not yet. "I was eleven when I got my first period too." I wasn't sure why I'd offered that information, but I figured anything I could tell her at this point to make her feel like less of a leper would do her some good.
"Yeah, same as you. Although, I had already started sixth grade and was in school when it happened."
Ruby gave me a horrified look.
"Unlike you, I hadn't had any symptoms. No stomachache, no fatigue. And the worst part was, I had no idea I'd even started. The bell rang between classes and I left one class to go to the other and didn't realize I had a big bloodstain on the back of my pants."
"Oh, my goodness," she said, obviously disturbed by my story.
"Right? And I walked all the way through the school before a teacher grabbed my arm and whispered in my ear that I needed to go see the school nurse." I remembered the day so vividly and realized Ruby would probably remember today much the same way. I wanted to make sure it wasn't horrible. "I had to wear a saggy pair of sweatpants the rest of the day with a giant pair of underwear the nurse had given me."
We were both quiet for a moment, then Ruby said, "I guess it could have been worse. I could have been out somewhere with Dad and Jax."
I tried to contain my laughter at the mental image popping into my brain. "Your father loves you very much, but you're right-he probably would have freaked out."
Ruby sank down farther into her seat. "Ugh, I can't imagine having to tell him about this."
"Listen, I don't want to promote you keeping things from your father, because I'm sure he'd want to know about this, but it isn't necessary for you to run home and tell him right away. I mean, I'll get you enough stuff to keep you stocked for a while, but you can always come to me if you're uncomfortable talking to your dad."
Again, she was quiet for a few moments before she spoke. "It's not that I don't want him to know, I just can't imagine telling him. Like, I don't really want to talk to him about it. Ever."
I laughed because I understood. When I was eleven, I would never have told my dad about my period. I was sure my mom took care of that.
"Do you want me to tell him?"
"You wouldn't mind?" she replied, as if she were asking so much of me. My heart leapt at the idea of her trusting me to tell her father.
"Of course not, Ruby. I'd do anything for you. And your brother. You guys have to know that."
"Thanks," she replied shyly, and I felt some of the tiny cracks in my heart seal up, filled in by this girl and her ability to let me be a part of her life. "But can you do it when I'm not around. And make sure Jax doesn't hear. The last thing I need is him bugging me about this."
"Done and done."
We pulled into the Target parking lot and I gave her a big smile. "Come on, time to get you stocked up."
The store wasn't terribly busy, which I was thankful for. It was about lunchtime and the middle of the week, and I was glad there wasn't anyone else in the feminine hygiene aisle when we arrived.
"Okay, so you're going to need two different kinds of pads to start, one for the day and one for the nighttime."
"Really?" she asked, looking overwhelmed.
"Yeah, but only because you roll around in your sleep, so you need something with a little more protection."
"Oh."
I grabbed the pads I thought would be best and tossed them in our cart.
"Now we need Midol."
"What about tampons?"
"Tampons are more for older girls. Maybe when you're fifteen or sixteen."
"Why do I have to be older? What's the difference?"
"Well, pads just sit in your underwear, and tampons actually go inside your body. It's better to wait until you're older before trying them." I prayed she took my answer and didn't pry any more. I didn't want to explain hymens and tampon usage to her in the middle of Target.