The Presence of Grace (Love and Loss #2)(22)

Oh, man. My body was emblazoned just by one kiss and a few sweet words.

I felt the heat of his body move away and watched as he went back into the kitchen. I took another sip of my wine, trying to convince my body that it wasn't, in fact, on fire.

"Ruby, Jax, come to the table," Devon hollered.

The next forty-five minutes were surreal. Most of the time I felt like an outsider, watching from the other side of a window, peering into a manifestation of every dream I'd ever had as a woman. Then there were other times, instances when Devon or one of the kids spoke to me, where I wanted to pinch myself just as a reminder that this wasn't my reality.   





 

Ruby and Jax bickered and argued. Devon scolded. Then he joked and the kids laughed. They talked about their days, what was exciting and what was disappointing. They made plans. They smiled. The kids told stories about their dad in an effort to embarrass him, and sometimes succeeded. Devon blushed and told the children he had much more embarrassing stories about them he could tell if they didn't stop. The children laughed at his threat and then he gave me a bashful smile.

I was circling the emotional drain, swirling around and hitting every emotional checkpoint on the way down. I was laughing with them one minute and then trying to hold back tears the next, taking sips of wine to try and hide the sudden sadness and panic that came on with the wave of devastation.

This.

This was what I'd always wanted. A family. To sit around a table with a man and children, but in my dreams, those children were mine and the man belonged to me as well. There was something about witnessing the normalcy of life between Devon and his children that sent me reeling.

He was a father, and I'd never be a mother. This gaping difference between us hadn't occurred to me before sitting at a dinner table with the evidence. Well, that wasn't true. I'd known all along Devon had children; what I hadn't anticipated was how dating a man with children would make me feel. I'd pictured the rest of my life childless-the only children being the ones I taught and sent home at the end of the day. I'd always imagined dating a man with children would be too difficult, too close to the gaping wound that was always festering, and I was beginning to see that I was perhaps not capable of watching a man father his children without being constantly reminded that I'd never be given the opportunity to parent.

But then he'd look at me over his wine glass, eyes blazing, lips smiling, and something inside me would shift and crumble, just melt away with the heat of his gaze, and the idea of not being with him was suddenly the greater of two evils.

Dinner was over but Ruby needed fifteen minutes to bake a new batch of lava cakes, so Devon led me out to his patio. He shut the sliding door behind us, effectively blocking out the noise of Ruby and Jax bickering in the kitchen. I walked to the edge of the deck, resting my wine glass on the railing, and smiled when I felt Devon's front hit my back. He pressed in close, resting his hands on the deck, caging me in. I loved it. Loved feeling enveloped by him, surrounded and protected.

"I'm glad you came to dinner tonight," he whispered, his words a breath against my neck, sending shivers throughout my body.

"Me too. Dinner was delicious."

"It's funny because when I pictured myself dating again, I imagined it being so much harder than this. I thought there would be a problem with Ruby, mostly, having a hard time with another woman coming into the picture."

"You didn't think Jax would object?"

I both heard and felt Devon's deep intake of breath, and the sigh that immediately followed.

"I wasn't sure how he'd react, honestly-it could have gone either way. The truth of the matter is, Jaxy doesn't really remember Olivia much. When she first passed he missed her, of course, but kids are resilient and he just kept trucking along. But the older he gets the fuzzier his early memories become. And that's all he had-early memories. Ruby remembers more, which is why I thought she'd have a harder time. She remembers her mother and father together." He paused for a moment and pressed a small kiss against the side of my neck. "I think the easiness has more to do with you than anything."

"Me?"

"Yeah, you," he said, laughing, his lips still pressed against my throat. "Jaxy obviously already knew he liked you, and Ruby fell right in line. It wouldn't have been this easy with anyone else. It's you."

My heart leapt at his words. The last time anyone had said "It's you" to me, they were blaming me for the relationship's demise. I turned, his arms still caged around me, and looked up into his eyes.

"There are things I want to tell you, things I'll need to tell you eventually, if we continue," I started, unsure of where the sudden bravery came from. "But until I can, until I feel like it's the right time or the right circumstance, I just need you to know that you make me happy."

His face changed from confused and worried to a smile so bright and joyful, I couldn't help but smile myself. And my God, he was handsome when he smiled. It never failed to make my breath catch. Before I could say anything ridiculous and embarrass myself, I stretched up and kissed him.

I kissed him softly, wanting to show him with the kiss that I was glad to be there, in his arms, at his house, with his kids. Happy to be with him. And I was. But what my kiss couldn't say were all the heavy thoughts and memories weighing down my heart.   





 

My hands tentatively reached for his waist, gripping the shirt there, gently twisting the fabric in my fingers, wanting him closer. His fingers feathered over my cheeks as his hands came to cradle my face. His lips were soft against mine, answering my gentle kiss with a tender one of his own. He moved forward just a little, forcing me to step backward, my back pressing into the railing but my front pressing deliciously hard against his.

With every press of his lips against mine, every touch of his tongue against mine, the heaviness in my heart seemed to become lighter, or less noticeable. When he kissed me, I wasn't thinking about anything except his mouth on mine and his fingers threading through my hair. I was focused on how alive my body felt, how I was breathless for this man.

He eventually pulled away, like I knew he needed to, his forehead resting against mine as we both caught our breath.

"If my kids weren't in there … ." He only sounded mildly irritated, but he laughed regardless.

"Your kids are great," I whispered, still trying to calm my body down from the effects of his kisses.

"Yeah." He sighed. Then his mouth pressed a kiss to my cheek and the rest of my defenses simply crumbled around us. "Shall we go see if Ruby's second batch of chocolate lava cakes turned out as good as the first?"

"You say chocolate and I'll follow you anywhere," I said with a smile, trying to hide the fact that I was falling desperately for the man right before his eyes.

He took my hand in his and led me inside, where the chocolate was just as good the second time around.





Chapter Fourteen

Grace

The door dinged as I pushed it open and I couldn't help but smile at how "small town" the hardware store seemed to be.

Devon was at the register and his eyes shot to me when he heard the bell. He gave me a sexy smile, but then went right back to ringing up the man who looked to be purchasing a medium-sized power tool. I would never be the woman who could name tools on sight, but the man buying it looked capable enough.

I slowly wandered through the back aisles of the store, not wanting to disrupt his work. As I strolled through, letting my eyes graze over the many different kinds of painting tape and drop cloths he carried, I listened as Devon exchanged remodel horror stories with the customer, laughing along with him when the man admitted to purposefully dropping a can of paint on the couch his wife loved but he loathed.

When the door finally dinged again, I heard Devon call out.

"I know you're back here somewhere." His voice was playful and coming from the middle of the store so I knew he'd moved away from the register. I turned in his direction. I smiled when he rounded the aisle I was in, his face splitting into that sexy grin at finding me. "Hey," he said as he closed the distance between us. "I wasn't expecting you."

"It's called a surprise," I said, holding up the brown paper sack that held my most favorite Chinese takeout. "I brought you lunch. Well, I brought us lunch. Do you have time?"

His hands slid around my waist as he said, "Time for takeout and my son's hot teacher? Yes. Yes, I have time."

I laughed as he kissed me. He took the bag from me, then took my hand and led me to the office that was located behind the register. He had a chair at his computer and a big comfortable recliner in the corner that I sat in immediately, loving the way is seemed to hug me.

"What brings you by?" he asked as he unloaded the iconic white boxes from the paper sack.

"Just thought it would be nice to bring you lunch," I said, shrugging. The truth of the matter was, my days and evenings had been filled with Devon and his family. Since the dinner at his house almost two weeks ago, we'd spent as much time together as possible. Most of that time involved Ruby and Jax, which I was thrilled about, but I knew his mother had them today while he worked, and it occurred to me we hadn't had much alone time since we really started seeing each other.

Sure, there were some evenings where the kids would go to bed and we'd find ourselves alone on his couch, but I was always nervous one of the kids would wander out looking for a drink of water or needing an extra check under the bed for monsters. Even though Devon tried relentlessly to act like teenagers by making out while watching a movie-which I didn't necessarily hate-I was always the one making sure we kept it family friendly.