The Presence of Grace (Love and Loss #2)(15)

What I hadn't anticipated was the way I would feel about Grace stepping in and taking care of my kids. It felt right. Easy. Comfortable.

And the pancakes were out of this world.

"Grace," I said between bites, "these taste incredible."

She sat on the stool right next to me and rested her chin on her hand. "I just googled an easy recipe." She gave another shrug, as if to say it was no big deal.

"You've never made these before?"

"Nope. I just saw your bananas and figured they'd be easy on Ruby's tummy."

Something deep in my chest tightened with her words. Before I could change my mind I leaned forward and kissed her, my lips pressing softly just to the corner of her mouth. She tensed at first. I hoped she was just surprised by my random advance. When I felt her relax against me, I kissed her fully. My mouth lined up perfectly with hers.

It was a soft and quick kiss, but it rocked me. After a few moments, when we both pulled away, she was still smiling when she said, "You taste like bananas and syrup."



We watched as Grace made her way up to her door, giving us a wave before she disappeared into it.

I'd wanted to walk her to her door, wanted to make at least one thing about our date normal, but with Ruby and Jax in tow it wasn't ideal. So we'd settled for a good-bye in the car, both of us staying in our own seats, but her smile and her eyes told me she was feeling the same as me; wishing I could walk her and we could get another tiny moment alone.

I pulled out of the parking lot, trying to think if there was anything that absolutely had to be done that day. Not thinking of anything pressing, I said to the kids, "You guys wanna have a lazy pajama day at home? Pizza for dinner?"

"Yay," Jaxy yelled, obviously enthused with the idea.

"I'm always down for a lazy day if pizza is involved," Ruby agreed.

I exhaled, relief puffing out with my breath. I hadn't realized how tense I'd been. But hearing the kids answer with their usual easiness made something inside me relax. It had been a crazy fifteen hours, and I was glad the kids were game to relax.

"You still feeling all right, Ruby?"

"Yeah," she answered quickly, giving me a small smile in the rearview mirror. That was typical Ruby. She didn't get sick often, but when she did it was like a tidal wave. It rolled in quick, tore her apart, and then rolled out just as quickly. There had been many nights Olivia had stayed up with her, doting on her, refusing to sleep because she knew the next round of sickness was only minutes away. I'd offered to stay up with her, but she would always wave me away, insisting that only one of us needed to be sleep-deprived, that she would need me to be rested to take care of Jaxy in the morning. Olivia's biggest transformation came with motherhood.   





 

It didn't surprise me later when I came upon Ruby sleeping on the couch. She might have felt all right, but her body was still feeling the effects of her illness. Jax was outside, jumping on the trampoline I'd purchased the first spring we'd lived in this house. After their mother died, I found myself trying and doing anything to ease big transitions. New school? Brand-new bikes. New house? Big trampoline. I knew I couldn't buy them things to ease every one of their pains, but sometimes it made me feel better too. Like, at least I could give them something, even if I could never give them their mother back.

"Dad." I heard Ruby's voice right after I'd turned to head back to my bedroom. I turned around again and saw her still lying on the couch, but now her eyes were open and she was looking at me.

"Yeah, baby?"

"Were you on a date with Grace?"



My stomach bottomed out at her question. I had thought, after the uneventful morning, the kids hadn't thought much about Grace's presence, but apparently I was wrong. The only thing I was completely sure of in that moment, was that I had no idea how to handle it.

I walked back to the couch and lifted Ruby's feet enough to slide under them, letting her legs rest over my lap.

"Sometimes adults just like to spend time with other adults," I said slowly, just trying words on to see if they fit, if Ruby would accept them.

"That's what Grace said, too."

My head tilted and my eyebrows drew together. "You spoke to Grace about it?"

"I asked her if you guys were on a date. She said the same thing, that grown-ups just like to spend time with other grown-ups."

She asked Grace, too? I ran my hand over my face, trying to buy a little time.

"I like Grace" were my next brilliant words. "I think she's nice. What do you think?"

Ruby shrugged. "She's nice enough." Her voice was low and I knew she wasn't being completely honest with me about her feelings.

"But … ?"

"It just surprised me that she was still here, I guess."

"Listen, last night I was out with Grace, but then you got sick and all my plans got rearranged really fast. I never intended to have Grace spend the night, but she wanted to help and it was either let her stay here, or take you kids to drive her home."

Ruby blinked at me, eyes wide and understanding.

"In all honesty," I said, then released a huge breath, trying to brace myself for a hard conversation. "Grace and I were on a date."

Ruby didn't say anything at first, but I couldn't help but notice that at my words her chest stopped moving. She was still for a very long moment, and then her breath came whooshing out. Her eyes filled with tears.

Shit.

"Ruby, honey, don't cry."

"Do you love her?" she whispered, the words surrounded by cries.

"Love her? Ruby, no. It was just one date." I lifted her legs and scooted closer until she was forced to sit up, now fully in my lap, her head resting against my chest. "What's wrong?"

"My friend Zoey from school said that when her dad married her stepmom, she just, like, all of a sudden was at their house all the time. Like one day she was there and the next day they were married."

I rolled my eyes while still running my hand down her back, trying to soothe her. "Zoey is a liar, Ruby. We've talked about this before. She was very likely exaggerating. I'm not in love with Grace, we're not getting married tomorrow, and you're not getting a stepmom."

"Not tomorrow, anyway," she said, pointedly.

I didn't really know how to respond. I couldn't promise her she'd never have a stepmother.

"You don't have to worry about that. I promise."

"Why not?" she asked, sniffling as she ran her hand across her nose the way kids did that made adults cringe.

"Because if I ever decide to get married again, it won't be a surprise. I won't spring someone on you and force you to love her. You won't have to fit with her because she'll fit into this family like a puzzle piece. But, honestly, Grace and I are just spending time together because we like one another, not because we're thinking about getting married."

Ruby was quiet for a few moments and all I could hear were the rhythmic sounds of Jaxy jumping on the trampoline.

"If you marry someone, will I have to call her mommy?" Ruby's voice cracked on the last word and it was almost as if someone reached into my chest and put a death grip on my heart.

"Sweetheart," I said, rocking her back and forth, holding her as close as I could. "No one will ever replace your mother. No one. Nobody will ever make you forget your mother, and nobody will ever make me forget my wife."   





 

"Then why do you have to go on a date with someone?"

"Because, well, it's hard to explain."

"Try."

I had to hold in a small laugh because in that moment she sounded exactly like her mother-bossy.

"People, adults, they're not meant to spend their lives alone."

"You're not alone," she immediately pointed out. "You've got me and Jaxy. And Grandma and Grandpa."

"No, you're right, I'm not alone. And being with you and Jaxy doesn't make me feel alone. I love my life with you guys. But, that doesn't mean I don't miss being with someone like your mother."

"You mean like kissing and stuff." Her words were not a question; she knew exactly what she meant.

I pushed gently on her shoulders until she moved away from me so I could look her in the eyes. I moved my face down and looked at her straight on. "You're eleven years old, Ruby, so I'm not going to treat you like a baby right now. So, yes, kissing and stuff. But it's not just about that. Adults need to be around other adults for lots of reasons." What I couldn't tell her was that sometimes, after a particularly long day, I missed being able to just talk to someone. To have someone around who asked me about my day. Or wasn't under the age of twelve. And perhaps until I met Grace for the second time, I hadn't even realized how much I needed it.

"Are you going to go out with her again?"

Honesty had to be my best policy and I needed to be up-front with Ruby. Jax was a different story. I would have to play him by ear when it came to Grace, but I knew I had to lay it out for my daughter.

"I don't know for sure. I know I want to see her again, but it all depends on whether we've scared her away already."

Ruby laughed at my joke, and I couldn't remember a time when I'd needed my baby girl to laugh at one of my stupid jokes more than I did then.

"But, I can promise you something."

"What?" she replied, using her fingers to wipe the tears off her cheeks.