He should consider himself lucky.
5
Philip
What the fuck just happened?
I watch through the glass door of the shop as Mayra gets in her car and drives away, my hard-on painful against my jeans. I didn’t see that coming. One second she was practically begging me to fuck her, and the next she’s telling me she can’t. It’s like a switch flipped. Did I do something?
I go over everything I said, and I can’t find anything in my words that I think might be offensive. Maybe I pushed too hard. Maybe she wasn’t actually ready. I adjust myself in my jeans. Well, my cock isn’t going to get the workout it thought it was tonight. Good thing I had so much practice jerking off in class, because it looks like that’s all I’ll be doing. After checking in with the guy closing the store, I head to my car. I can already tell that Mayra is going to be on my mind for a while. It’s been a bit of time since I tried to pick someone up, but damn, I didn’t think I’d gotten that bad.
I head to a diner nearby. I know Christa goes here a lot, and I’m starving. Plus, I think that the patient could probably use some food. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have an ulterior motive and I want to ask her if Mayra has ever been to a class before. Maybe get a clue as to why she ran, get a clue as to if she’ll come back. I order a burger for myself, and the biggest chicken noodle soup they have for Christa. I also get some of the toast I know she likes.
I thought it might be too awkward or too personal to tell everyone in class, but Christa is my best friend’s girl. Sean has been my best friend for years. He owns the gym with Morgan and me, and he and I served together. He’s off leading a two-week hiking trip in Colorado, a mixture of amateurs and rich people who are more interested in taking pictures than climbing actual rocks. He and I have an unspoken understanding—I’ll make sure Christa’s okay while he’s gone. If I had someone in my life, I know he’d do the same.
So even though I know she’ll probably be annoyed with me for fussing, I dial Christa’s number while I’m standing outside.
“Hello?” Her voice is stuffed.
“I’m outside with food. Do you want to let me in or should I use the key?”
She groans. “Use the key mother hen.”
I laugh as I find the hidden key behind a brick near the door. Christa is flopped on the couch, some terrible Lifetime movie playing. “I thought I’d call first so you didn’t think someone was breaking in.”
Sniffle. “I doubt I would have thought someone was breaking in if I heard the key in the lock.”
“I suppose that’s fair,” I say.
“How was the class?”
I put the soup down in front of her. “As good as can be expected given I know nothing about how to give a blowjob.”
“You have a penis. And you’ve had what I’m sure is an astonishing number of blowjobs in your life.” She laughs, and it sounds painful. “I’m sure it was fine.”
“I did want to ask you though, has a woman named Mayra ever come to one of your classes before?”
Christa’s face wrinkles, and she sneezes into a tissue before answering. “Doesn’t ring a bell, why?” I give her a sheepish grin and she rolls her eyes. “You were going to fuck one of my students, weren’t you?”
“Before you say anything, she’s not like that.”
“Not like the parade of women that regularly throw themselves at your feet? Philip, the whole class probably wanted you.”
I laugh. “You’re not wrong. But she didn’t, at least not at first. She barely looked at me, and she seemed so nervous she was going to throw up. I tried to talk to her after class—”
“And by talk to her you mean overwhelm her with your manliness.”
“I thought she was into it. But then she pushed me away. Said she knew my type, and ran out of the store.”
Christa pushes herself up into a sitting position, reaching for the container of soup. “So you want to know if I’ve seen her before so you can track her down? Even if I did know her, I wouldn’t help you do that.”
I unwrap my burger and bite into it. “Not track her down. But I would like to make sure she’s okay. She seemed really rattled all of a sudden. And maybe I can ask what got under her skin.”
“Mmm.” Christa takes a sip of the soup. “I was going to scold you for going out of your way to bring this over, but damn this is good.”
“Does Sean know you’re sick?”
She dunks a piece of toast in the soup and takes a bite. Doesn’t seem like it would be that good to me, but whatever. “He knows.”
“Really?” I narrow my eyes at her.
“Yes he knows I’m sick.”
“Probably a better question, does he know how sick?”
She gives me a look, “You know as well as I do that if he knew how sick he’d jump on plane and come back. I’m fine. He can finish the rest of the trip. Besides, if you keep bringing me soup I’m sure I’ll be better in no time.” I’m about to protest when she jumps in again. “Do. Not. Tell. Him. Even sick I can take you down, Philip Crew.”
I grin at her, enjoying her bravado even though we know that’s a bald-faced lie.
We eat in silence for a few minutes before Christa looks at me. “It’s been awhile.”
“What?”
“It’s been awhile since you’ve actually been with someone.”
“Checking up on me?” I ask, trying to get her off this course.
She puts the lid back on the container of soup, only half finished. “It’s not exactly a secret. Are you okay?”
“Christa, just because I’m not in a relationship doesn’t mean I’m broken.”
“I’m not Sean,” she says. “You can’t fool me with this macho bullshit. I’m asking if you’re okay. Not because of the fact that you’re not seeing anyone, but because I know where you came from. I know it wasn’t easy to get as far as you have, and I know it’s just as easy to slip back there.”
I wrap up the rest of my burger, my appetite gone and my stomach suddenly roiling. Sean and Christa have been together a long time, and I knew that she knew, but I guess I hadn’t realized how much. When I came back from overseas, my mind was so blasted from the war that I was turned inside out. I couldn’t walk down the street without thinking someone was going to jump out, I couldn’t breathe without smelling smoke and fire, I couldn’t sleep without dreaming about screaming and blood. Sean, Morgan, and sometimes Christa were the ones who got me back on track. They brought me in as a partner in the gym, they gave me tasks, they helped me focus on the world around me as it actually was and not as it had been. Made me see someone until I could admit what was really wrong with me.
Slowly I got better, but it’s never really gone away. I got to a place where I would bury the pain. Bury it in my climbing, in my odd jobs, in the women I would fuck for a night and then leave. But those things don’t really mask it, what I’ve gone through. I pretend they do, and I pretend I’m fine. No one’s noticed that I’m not until now. The nightmares were gone for a long while, but they’ve started making an appearance again. It’s why I’m so tired, why I want intimacy instead of just a sex. I would go out, and find myself uninterested in the same kind of women I had been sleeping with for the last year and a half.
Then I walked into that class and I saw Mayra. For the first time in a really long time, my body saw something that it wanted. I’m not sure what that means, but it makes the fact that she pushed me away even more confusing, even more of a letdown. Christa is still looking at me expectantly.
“I’m not great,” I say. “But I’m okay.”
“How bad is it?”
I shrug. “I’m not jumping at shadows.”
“But…”
“What do you want me to say?” I clear my throat. “I’m in a downswing. It’ll get better. It’s bound to.”
She nods. “Okay. I’ll let you be. But you know we’re here for you, right?” A coughing fit bursts through her words, but I get the gist.
“Yeah.”
I pack up what’s left of my food to take home with me, standing and stretching. “You should rest,” I say. “You want to be better by the time Sean comes home and is furious with how sick you were.”
She groans. “All I’m doing is resting.”
“Finish the soup. I’ll check in with you tomorrow.”
“Fine.” She grabs the remote for the TV, snuggling back down into her blankets. I’m halfway to the door when she calls after me. “Philip. If I see this girl. What was her name?”
“Mayra.”
“Right,” she says, blowing her nose. “I’ll put in a good word for you.”
I laugh a little. “Thanks for that. And for the other thing.”
“Anytime.”
I lock the door behind me, putting the spare key back behind the brick it came from. Mayra. The thought of her clears up the darkness lurking in my head. It’s like seeing a sliver of blue sky on a cloudy day. Just a glimpse of hope—a reminder that things aren’t necessarily as bleak as you think they are. I let her fill up my mind—her golden blonde hair, and the way her curves pressed against me. I didn’t have a chance to explore her body, but damn I want to have my hands full of her.