The Player and the Pixie(97)

Ronan frowned so hard I thought his face was going to break. “Well, maybe not word for word. He said you rejected him, I thought . . .” Now his expression turned to disbelief, then to anger, then to brotherly disappointment. I felt it cut through me like a knife.

“I did reject him,” I said softly. “I rejected him quite a few times . . . until I didn’t anymore.”

Now he stared at me like I was a stranger, and that hurt most of all. He raked his hands through his hair and swore. “Fuck.”

But Annie was right.

Her words from earlier came back to me. I needed to be living my own life. Ronan might not like my choices, but that was okay.

“Ronan,” I continued, my voice still soft. “I never did any of it to hurt you. You of all people should know we can’t control how our feelings develop, how sometimes they latch on to the least likely and most inconvenient person. I love you. I would never intentionally disrespect you. I didn’t set out to be anything more than Sean’s friend. You’re my hero, and you always have been. I’ve looked up to you since I was little, thought the sun rose and set on your shoulders, and I still do. But at some point, and quite against my will, I fell for Sean Cassidy.”

I shrugged, because I felt a little helpless. I had no control over whether or not Ronan ultimately forgave Sean. But then, Ronan had no control over the depth of my feelings for Sean, either.

“If you couldn’t accept Sean and me, it’d break my heart. But I would understand. I will love you, no matter what you decide.”

At that moment, I realized just how much bullshit that note I’d left Sean had been. I didn’t want to stop being with him. I’d read enough books about happiness and self-fulfillment to know that denying yourself the very thing that brings you joy will only create a hole inside you. And that hole will fester until it becomes black and toxic.

The more I thought of Sean, the more a new, unexplored feeling began to suffuse my chest. I couldn’t believe how differently I felt for him now, as compared to how I’d felt about him when we first met. And if he hadn’t been there in that shop tonight, if he hadn’t been there to step in and sacrifice himself for me, I would’ve been arrested. I would’ve spent the night before my brother’s wedding in a jail cell.

I would have deserved it.

But Annie and Ronan didn’t deserve such a scene, nor me being an embarrassment on the eve of their wedding. For that I was truly sorry and I was determined to make it up to them, just not in a way that was unhealthy or had me sacrificing happiness for my brother’s peace of mind.

It was also ironic. I’d thought my secret relationship with Sean would ruin Ronan’s wedding, when in reality it had been the thing to save it. Sean tried his hardest to act like he was a vacuous, careless snob, but deep down he was so good. And I loved him.

I loved him so much it terrified me.

I loved that he’d been terrible in bed. I loved that he hadn’t wanted to be terrible in bed. I loved that I’d had to teach him how to make me come. I loved that he was vain and materialistic. I loved that he loved dogs. I loved that he stole things from random women’s bathroom cabinets, and that he was completely out of touch with reality. I loved how he told me my style was awful even though I knew he secretly adored it. I loved how much he enjoyed giving me pleasure even more than he enjoyed his own. And I loved that he wanted to protect me so much he’d risk being arrested if it meant I’d get to walk free.

Ronan and I had been quiet for so long that a small knock came from the room where Annie and Broderick had shut themselves away. My friend poked his head out.

“You two all right?” Rick asked, stepping into the lounge and glancing carefully between Ronan and me. Annie remained hidden in the bedroom.

I looked at my brother. “I’m not sure.”

Ronan heaved a heavy breath and laid his cards on the table. “Right, so here’s how we’re going to do this. I’ll not . . . get in the way of you seeing Sean.”

I gaped at him. “Has hell frozen over?”

He glowered. “Don’t be a smart-arse and just listen. I’m not saying I’m going to give you my blessing to run off to Vegas and get hitched, but we can see where things go between you two. Baby steps. But before I start playing nice with Sean, and you’re not going to like this part, Luce, I need you to start seeing a therapist.”

Again, it took me at least ten full seconds to process his words, and when I did they left me completely confused. “But Mam said it was embarrassing and could hurt your career, me seeing a—”

“I don’t care what Mam says. Let me deal with her. In fact, I’m going to make her go with you. You steal when you’re anxious, and our mother is a major source of anxiety in your life. And she is your mother, Lucy, the only one you’re ever going to have. So even though it might be easier to stick your head in the sand, you can’t just cut her out. You both need to deal with the issues between you if you’re ever going to get better.”