The Pieces We Keep(136)

Wrinkles around Luanne’s mouth deepened as she trailed off. The insinuation spoke for itself. “She wrote about feeling confused and regretful. But when I realized Isaak was Judith’s father, that my brother had only gotten married for honorable reasons, I shut the book. All I could think about was getting rid of any evidence in order to protect Judith. I lit the fireplace in the middle of the night while she and Fred were asleep. I was about to toss it all in: the letters and notes from Viv’s jewelry box, the diaries, even the necklace. But I couldn’t go through with it. Rightfully they belonged to Judith.”

Luanne closed her eyes briefly, as though viewing the flames and pile of keepsakes. “Someday I was going to tell her the truth. But it was never the appropriate time for a conversation like that. I guess, eventually, I’d pushed it so far out of my mind, it just seemed like a bad dream.”

Sean appeared to be remembering all of this and more. “That’s why you’ve always avoided the subject. Especially when Mom wanted to hear about her parents.”

Luanne’s face, as before, gained a pinkish tint. “Also, because I was angry with Vivian. Or at least I wanted to be. That way I wouldn’t feel guilt over their deaths.”

At this, Sean sank back into his seat, increasing the distance between them. If Luanne had told him this part before, he clearly didn’t recall. “Why would it be your fault?”

Once more, Audra yearned to reach out and comfort him, wary of what was coming.

“Because I was jealous,” Luanne replied, and slowly shook her head. “See, what no one knew, except for my parents, was that I came down with an infection when I was seventeen. I couldn’t have babies anymore. So from then on, I wouldn’t give a fellow more than two dates before I’d casually mention how I had read the most interesting article about orphans, and I’d ask him how he felt about adopting someday. Back then, adopting was different than it is now. Every fellow would dismiss the idea, insisting he’d have his hands full with his own children. And later, when they phoned looking for another date, I’d simply have lost interest.

“Finally, though,” she said, a soft smile forming, “I met Fred. I was so crazy about him that I waited until the fourth date to give him my test. I was terrified to get the usual answer, but he shocked me. He said he had no qualms whatsoever about adopting, even preferred the idea of giving a child a home that otherwise wouldn’t have one. As it turned out, he had been adopted as a baby himself. If he’d proposed that very night, I would have said yes.”

Her pleasant expression held for a moment. Then, as if Sean’s question returned to her, the reminiscent warmth swiftly waned.

“We’d only been married a few months when Gene and Vivian asked us to watch Judith. They wanted to go to Cape Cod for the week, a belated honeymoon of sorts. By then, I’d fallen completely in love with that little girl. So much so, part of me secretly wished she could be mine....” Luanne attempted to say more but failed as her eyes clouded over.

It was then that Audra heard Tess’s words, an echo of her tough-love talk at the cemetery. Just like Meredith, even like Sean, they all harbored guilt over a tragedy that couldn’t be stopped. In the absence of someone to blame, it was all too easy to point that finger at yourself.

This was Audra’s thought, yet Sean was the one who voiced it.

“You know there was nothing you could have done, don’t you? Aunt Lu, they didn’t die in a boating accident because you wished you could somehow trade places.”

“Oh, yes,” Luanne said with little hesitation. “I realized that—after a while. All part of the healing process, I suppose.”

Whether from this particular story, the collection of admissions, or the emotional drain of the day, Audra was overcome by the ease with which she could lay down her own burden. She just regretted that it had taken the catharsis of other people’s turmoil to get here.

Audra offered, “I’m still sorry, Luanne, for bringing up parts of your past that you probably wanted to leave alone.”

“Well, I’m not,” Luanne said, seeming genuine.

Audra couldn’t imagine why anyone would be grateful about all of this, until Luanne continued.

“After we spoke at the gallery, I forced myself to go pull out that box. For the next several nights, I read the rest of the diaries. The last entry was dated about a year before they passed away. The busyness of life, I assume, hadn’t left Viv with much time to write. But leading up to that, it was filled with how much she and Gene had truly fallen in love. I’d sensed it from being around them, of course, but reading it in her own personal words helped confirm what I’d always hoped inside.”