No! No, I couldn’t think about this. I couldn’t obsess over this one question as I had done for nearly a year. I’d spent too many minutes of the day sat staring out into the world through my window, wondering if he was missing me as much as I was him. Wondering what he was doing right at that precise moment in time and if, like me, he was thinking back to our time together.
That’s the problem with blissful memories, they were never going to be as great or as wonderful as that exact moment when you created them. There was no scent to breathe in, there was no touch to experience and there were no words to hear by the voice of those you loved. They were just black and white grainy photographs void of real life.
That’s how my memories felt.
I don’t know how long I had been out here but it must not have been that long as I didn’t get another member of the Draven clan to come in search of me. And my guess was that Vincent wasn’t far from standing up to the task. If I was honest with myself I wasn’t entirely sure if given the chance I would have left this balcony to walk straight out of this club and never look back.
Even the club itself felt like I was coming home and that hurt just as much, knowing half of me wanted to leave it behind me forever. But I just couldn’t do it. Call it weakness or call it a craving but it was the same reason I couldn’t walk away from this situation I now found myself in. I knew what was good for me but when did that ever stop me from making crazy decisions? Christ, most of last year was one giant crazy decision and look how that turned out. If going to Hell and back wasn’t bad for me then I don’t know what was!
So with my mind made up I sucked in a big girl breath and turned to go back into the unknown.
“You can do this…it’s just one night, Keira…yeah right, who am I kidding?” I said to myself as I walked through the sliding doors.
I couldn’t help but look to the bar and the same pain clinched in my chest when I still expected to see my friend Karmun at the bar. I bit my lip for the millionth time trying to eradicate the picture of him fading away in the arms of his lover. It was always a painful memory, like so many others this place held. Which made me wonder, if all the memories I had of the place were placed on a scale, which way they would tip…good or bad?
I shook those depressing thoughts away and walked round back to the top table feeling both ease and unease at now doing it alone and without Alex by my side.
“There you are, your seat’s waiting for you.” Sophia said making me fail my mission in getting to my seat without looking at Draven, only in the end it didn’t matter…
He was gone.
I again mentally cursed my stupid heart for the disappointment I felt and tried to kid myself into believing it was a good thing. I went to the end of the table when Sophia said,
“Not there silly, up here.” I looked up to see she was motioning to Draven’s empty chair. I looked back to the seat I was first sat in at the other end, only to find it had been taken away, so there was no escape for me. I tried not to make it obvious that I was dragging my feet as I had no wish to ever sit in that chair again, knowing how painful the last time had been. I winced as a flash of me with short black hair, sobbing into the frame pierced my brain, adding to that invisible scale and not tipping it in Afterlife’s favour.
“I don’t think that’s a good…”
“Keira, it’s fine. I doubt Dom will be coming back anytime soon if that’s what you’re worried about.” Sophia assured me but considering her past assurances I wasn’t entirely convinced. In the end I just let out a sigh and sat down but I couldn’t ignore the shiver that ran the length of my spine and coated my skin with chilled bumps.
“Hi.” I said turning to Vincent and beaming at him when I saw he was finally smiling.
“Why, hello beautiful.” He said winking and making me blush.
“How have you been?” He asked and Sophia, who was sat next to me, nudged my arm laughing,
“Come on, you can say you missed us.” I laughed once trying in vain to force back the emotion that was building thanks to that simple, light hearted question.
“Hey.” Vincent said sensing the change and pulling me into his arms for a hug. I felt a single tear fall and I watched a drip of colour darken on his faded black t-shirt, one that said ‘Indian Motorcycles’ and was obviously vintage.
“I’m sorry, I guess…well, being back here after all this time…”
“Keira you don’t have to explain, it is perfectly natural that you are finding it difficult…and I think you gathered by now that you’re not the only one.” I pulled back and wiped my eyes again, hating the fact that I had cried twice now and not even been back a full hour. The night certainly wasn’t looking too promising for my sanity that was for sure!