“That’s awesome. I’m happy for you.” And I actually am. After everything that has happened, I don’t wish him any harm. It was just the way things happened. And I love Penny to bits.
Soon we’re lapsing into small talk, things that are safe like hockey and business life and crazy San Francisco stories, and before we know it we’re in the air, cruising through the dark night over the American continent.
Unfortunately, I can’t sleep on planes and this red-eye is pretty full. I’m in the window seat while James is beside me and some snoring Asian lady is on the aisle.
So I listen to music until my battery on my phone dies. Then I put it away and sit back, staring out at the dark space above us, the blanket of clouds below us.
“Steph,” James whispers. “Are you asleep?”
I turn my head to look at him. “Obviously you just saw me put my phone away.”
He shrugs with one shoulder, bumping it against mine. “Maybe you’re one of those people who can fall asleep in a second, just like that.”
“I think those are called narcoleptics.”
He nods, then his eyes brighten. “Hey, I’m sorry I didn’t get us first class. I always thought that when I was older, I’d always be flying business.”
“Well it helps to have a business that pays for that shit. We’re more or less self-employed small business owners. I don’t know about you, but I don’t have that much to write off, you know?”
“I know. Still.”
“Meh. We’re just trying to see a friend in a hurry. It doesn’t matter how we get there as long as it’s fast.” And I want this plane to be going three times the speed. But once I do get to see Linden…what do I say?
“Yeah,” he says softly. “Listen…I’ve been keeping something to myself for some time now. Something I don’t feel good about.”
Oh god. Please, please, please don’t tell me it’s him still in love with me, I think. I understand how egotistical that makes me seem, but I couldn’t handle that bullshit after what he just said about reconnecting with Penny.
When I don’t say anything, I realize he’s going to tell me anyway. So I quickly say, “What is it?”
“I know the reason why Linden broke it off with you.”
A flood of emotions come back into me. I try and breathe through them. “Why?”
“Because of me. I made him.”
I’m not sure what to say, because while I do know some things that I probably shouldn’t, this is news to me. “You made him?”
“You know, I thought I was in love with you.”
My eyes widen. Not because of shock because he actually had the balls to tell me. “Uhhh…”
He smiles quickly. “It’s okay. The term is thought I was. I’m not. And I wasn’t. But I wanted to be, because you and I had something once and it was something Linden never had.” Okay, that’s just the tiniest bit petty there. “You know…I told Linden, after you guys broke up, that I knew you two were sleeping together.”
He knew?
He goes on. “I told him that your friend Kayla told me. And she did. She was drunk at the Lion though, so it wasn’t her fault. I was feeding her shots and getting her to talk. The thing is, I always knew. The moment I saw you guys kiss at Sea Ranch, I knew. I knew the weekend before that when I caught a moment between you in the hallway. When you made that stupid pact. In fact, I think I’ve been more aware of your feelings for each other than you have. This whole time, I’ve been watching this show play out.”
I can barely believe what I’m hearing. “You knew the whole time?” I shriek and then lower my voice once I realize that I may have woken up the entire plane.
“It was kind of obvious if you were on the outside looking in. And man, did I ever hate Linden for it. Hated you a little too.”
“But why?”
“Well, I hated you because I felt like you just wanted Linden from the beginning anyway and had to settle for me. And Linden because, well, he gets everything he ever wants. And I don’t. And I was tired of it.”
“But you know that’s not true.”
“I know. But I was a jealous fuck and in denial and I needed a scapegoat, so why not my best friend, huh? And I knew you guys were getting together. It was so obvious. The kiss camera. The two of you disappearing at once. The way you touched each other, talked to each other, when you thought no one was looking. I was always looking.”
I shift in my seat uneasily. “That’s kind of weird, James.”
He nods. “Yeah. It was. And it was eating me up. I started to convince myself that I was in love with you. You know when we slept together at your store, that was just sex. It really was. Later, I just told myself it was more than that. I was more in love with the idea of finally having something that Linden couldn’t have. So I stole you away from him, just so he would know what it feels like to lose something.”