I don’t want to spend a second longer with him. But I don’t think I can be alone either. Stephanie is at her store so I can’t even talk to her about this.
“Can we get some beers instead of coffee?” I ask him.
He shrugs. “Hair of the dog, sure.” He goes toward the door and then looks me up and down. “You should put on a shirt, you don’t need a mob of women chasing after you. Or maybe you do. Who the hell have you been screwing lately?”
“No one you need to worry about,” I tell him. I slip on a shirt and a cargo jacket and head out the door.
No one he needs to worry about anymore.
***
I don’t know how I get through Christmas shopping, with James of all people and today of all days, when my whole fucking world seems to crumble around me by the force of my own two hands, but I do. He goes back to being his mostly chipper self, save for a few well-placed swears he hurtles in the direction of the holiday shoppers.
I don’t say much. I can’t. I don’t dare. I’m lost in my thoughts and the guilt, of not only lying to James but what I’m going to have to say to Stephanie. I’m at a crossroads I never wanted to be at, the one where you have to choose between two people you love.
James is more of a brother than Bram is. James, for all his faults, is loyal and I’ve never had that kind of loyalty. James has been a great friend to me over the years and he’s never once screwed me over.
But I’ve screwed him over. He may not know it, but I did. I did when I went after Stephanie even though I suspected he might be in love with her. I did it because I wanted her and my wants were more important than his. He would never do that to me. But I would do that to him.
And then there is Stephanie. And when I think about her, my words fail me because she has my heart. She makes it so easy to be that guy who screws over his best friend. She makes me feel like I don’t need anyone else in the world but her. She is my world and I told her I would hold on tight, that I wouldn’t let go.
But here I am, heading to her store after I say goodbye to James and I’m about to let go. I can only hope she holds on. I can only hope that we can get through this, that we don’t have to lose each other. The fact that she slept with James on her birthday, that she didn’t tell me, is a major blow but even then, I know how she feels about me. The way she looks at me. She loves me. I’ve never felt anything more true.
And because of that, I know she won’t go for James. I know she’s not interested, that I won’t lose her to him in that way. But I still might lose her because of him. I need her to understand but I don’t even know what to say because I swore I wouldn’t tell her how James’s felt.
Which means I’m just going to have to end it. I’m going to have to play that god damn friends card and hope that we can go back to that.
Because I don’t know what I would do if I really left. If she removed herself from my life.
I just don’t know. But I do know I couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t survive it. How do you survive when your whole world ends?
It’s six in the evening when I get to her store. All the lights are off, except one in the backroom, and I think maybe she’s already gone home. Then I see her shadow.
I take in a deep breath and knock on her door. A few moments later she comes to it, smiling like an angel.
I can’t do it. I just can’t do it.
She unlocks it and opens it and I come inside along with a rush of cold, wet air from the street.
“Brrrr,” she says, shivering as she closes the door. “It’s finally feeling like Christmas now.” She looks down at the Nordstrom bags in my hands. “Ooh, are those for me?”
Actually they are. Despite everything, I still ended up buying her something, plus presents for her family. I guess there’s some optimistic jackass inside me who thinks maybe the world will go on.
“Yeah,” I tell her.
“What’s wrong?’ she asks, peering at me. She stands on her tip toes and kisses me on the cheek. “You seem…brooding.”
“Brooding?”
“Yeah. Like you belong on the moors or something. Were you shopping all day? That would make anyone brood.”
“Not you,” I point out, striding across the store and tucking the bags in the corner so she doesn’t peek at them.
“No, but you know what, I prefer online shopping much more. You don’t have to deal with…people.”
I can’t help but smile. “Funny words coming from someone who deals in customer service on a daily basis.”
“Yeah,” she says. “Thank god for the online part though. You know, I’ve been thinking. If my online store ends up being more popular than my retail one, I may just shut all this shit down.”