Silence. It’s as thick as the night. I hold my breath, waiting for his response, wondering what he’s going to say. In this moment that drags on and on, I am filled with hope and I am filled with fear. Because as much as Linden makes me feel like I have a love inside I can’t even begin to contain, I’m scared he doesn’t feel the same way. That he doesn’t even come close.
I’m scared now that I’ve scared him away.
Oh god, why isn’t he saying something?
I panic. “Maybe that was too much, maybe-“
“Shhh,” he says, turning my head so that I’m staring into his eyes. They are so deep and unreadable in the dark. But when he turns his head just enough, the light from outside catches in them. They are watering.
I feel like I’m a dam about to burst.
“Stephanie,” he says, his voice soft but choked. “Did you know that no one has ever told me that they loved me?”
It feels like there’s a rock on my chest. “What?!”
“It’s true,” he says. “I’ve never heard anyone tell me they loved me.”
“But, but…” I think back, scrolling through memories. Hadn’t I ever told him that, as a friend? Hadn’t James? Hadn’t his parents, his brother? “Nadine?” I ask.
He shakes his head only slightly. “No one. Nadine and I were very close but those exact words were never chosen. Believe me. I know. I know this because now I’ve heard them for the first time, just now, from you, and you can never forget something like that.”
But his parents never said they loved him. My heart is crumbling for him. I want to cry.
“And because no one has ever told me,” he goes on quietly, “I never had anyone to tell. I didn’t really know what love was because no one defined it for me. I only knew what it wasn’t. But you, Steph, you’ve always been different. You’ve had my heart from day one. James saw you first but I can guarantee you had my heart before you had his. I’ve never got to tell you this, because I kept this love to myself. If no one would share with me, I wouldn’t share with them. I was a greedy fucker.” He pauses. “But I loved you. Never as a friend. Always as something more. From the moment you walked into the bar, you owned the word and what it meant for me. I prayed and I dreamed that one day I would get to tell you myself. That no matter how you felt, I would tell you that I loved you and nothing could change that. That it was mine to give to you.” He inhales deeply and says, “And so, I love you, baby blue. I am in love with you. You are love to me. And I’m honored I’m finally able to tell you.”
Now I am speechless. Floored. And my soul is oh so fucking full I can barely live. I can only grab his face and kiss him as sweetly, deeply and sincerely as I can. And then I laugh and smile and he does the same.
“I suppose though,” he says, wiping away a tear but still grinning like a crazy person, “if I had more practice in saying it, it wouldn’t have been such a convoluted speech.”
“Speak for yourself,” I tell him. “We both took the roundabout way to say three words.”
“But sometimes those words aren’t enough,” he says, kissing my hand.
“No, they aren’t. But you are.”
That whole new heart inside me is growing. I don’t think I could ever make it stop.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
LINDEN
There is a problem.
There is a major fucking problem.
I’d just put the empty bowl of cereal in the dishwasher when there was a knock at my door. Considering Stephanie just left me three minutes ago, I assumed it was her forgetting something. Maybe, my brain wants to think, she came back for one more round and can’t get enough of me.
I opened the door, about to say exactly that (“Back for more, baby?”) but I am so glad I didn’t.
James is standing on the other side.
“Uh,” I say, trying to find the words but all I can think of is, did he see Steph as she left? Does he suspect? Why is he here? Is it even possible for me to play it cool right now? I attempt to, anyway. “Hi James.”
“Hey,” he says. His voice is low. He doesn’t seem angry, so that’s a good thing. But he does seem troubled. Even more so when his gaze briefly lowers and he flinches. “Maybe you should put on some pants.”
I smile, suddenly aware that I’m only in my boxer briefs. That’s not normally a big, big deal, but since I was just thinking of Steph, I know I have a bit of a chubby going on.
“Sorry,” I say, quickly turning around but gesturing for him to come inside. “Come in, what’s up man?” I quickly head to the bedroom and look around for signs of Steph. She’s pretty good about not leaving her stuff around – I can’t even convince her to leave a toothbrush, she just carries it in one of her millions of purses – so I shuck on a pair of jeans and go back out.