She folds her arms and taps her foot, the bottom of her shoe echoing in the room. “Mmm hmmm. And how long were you two going to fool around for?”
I look at Linden and shrug. “Forever?”
Kayla lets out an exasperated sigh. “I knew it. I knew something was up.”
“Well hopefully no one else will know.”
“Yeah right. You can’t hide this shit forever. You should just go out there in the middle of the room and tell everyone. Get it over with.”
I shake my head. “No. Just because two friends are fucking each other doesn’t mean the whole world deserves to know about it.”
She gives me a caustic look. “Actually, I think your closest friends deserve to know about it.” Then she turns and heads to the door, shooting me a look over her shoulder. “And if you think you’re just friends still, you’ve got another think coming.”
Then she leaves. The tension stays with us in the washroom.
I give Linden an apologetic look. “Sorry. She’s pushy.”
He nods. “I know. Well, hopefully she won’t blab.”
“She won’t.” But I’m starting to wonder just how long we can keep this charade going. Something has to give. We both can’t keep lying. If James is the problem, well, then at this point it’s James’s problem and not ours.
But tonight isn’t the time to talk about it. Tonight is about having fun. After the New Year, then we’ll come clean. We’ll sit James down and explain to him that…well, we’ll try and define what we are. And then hopefully he’ll understand. It might be weird for him at first but over time I think he’ll see that nothing has really changed between the three of us.
And yet as I kiss Linden on the cheek and then make my way out into the bar, pretending I was never in the washroom with him, I know everything has changed already.
I have no idea if it can ever go back.
***
Hours later, after the party ended and too much alcohol and Christmas cookies were consumed, I end up at Linden’s place.
It’s starting to feel like home to me. It helps that his apartment is new and not leaky. Not that my apartment leaks anymore, thanks to him and his handyman skills, but there is something about Linden’s that makes me feel so safe.
Maybe because I’m never there alone, I’m always with him. Whether we’re making scrambled eggs together in the morning, binge watching TV shows on Netflix, or just getting off in the shower, he’s always there.
He’s steady. He’s reliable. He is my rock.
He is my Linden.
Always has been.
Always will be.
This night though, after the hot fuck in the bathroom, being found out by Kayla, getting drunk on Jameson and Burgundy Lion merriment, I feel like he’s more than all those things.
He is my lover.
And my love.
And I can’t keep these butterflies in my chest any longer. I want to let them out. I want them to touch him, graze him with feather soft wings, so that he knows just how I feel about him.
We tear off our clothes and climb into the crisp sheets of his bed. We are both too tired and still too satisfied to have sex, so we curl up in each other arms. He kisses my temple, his lips lingering there, as he holds me close.
I don’t want him to ever let go. He told me he wouldn’t.
“Linden,” I say softly, so soft that I’m not even sure if I’ve spoken or if my words have disintegrated into the air. Everything has more meaning when it’s late and you’re in the dark.
There is a long pause and then he answers. “Baby blue.”
“I…,” I begin and then suddenly everything I was about to say – that one simple phrase – is stripped from me. I can’t continue. I don’t just love Linden, it is so much more than that. It’s something beyond words, beyond such a common, every day thing. You see ‘I love you’ written everywhere and I’m suddenly struck at how it’s just not enough. It doesn’t describe how I feel.
“What?” he whispers, his lips now brushing against my ear. He holds me tighter. “Please tell me.”
I swallow and start again. “Linden. There is a space in my chest that I’ve never noticed before. It’s like, all this time, I’ve had a whole other heart in there and that heart holds a whole other world. I never really noticed it because it was hidden. It wasn’t activated. It wasn’t shining and so I couldn’t see it. But now it is.” A tear trickles down my face but I don’t wipe it away. “You’ve made it shine, Linden. That new heart, that new world, it’s all you. I feel like it takes up every inch of my body, like I’m blooming each day. You’re in me and I can’t hide it or contain it or ignore it. You blind me. You are me.” I take in a deep breath. “I guess I’m trying to say that I love you.”