“So he’s jealous of you,” I say.
“I think he’s jealous of the me he thinks I am,” he says. “You know…James and I, we don’t really talk about that stuff. We don’t talk the same way that you and I do. You know me better then he does, baby blue.”
“And I know that you haven’t had it easy.”
“But as long as James’s life is worse and more of a struggle, then I’ll always be the winner in his eyes. That’s what I think he resents me for. And that’s why I stayed away from my feelings for you for so long.”
My stomach tingles at the mention of feelings. I want to press him more on that subject but I refrain myself. I don’t want to be the pushy needy girlfriend when I’m not even his girlfriend.
Linden glances at me. “I didn’t want him to think I took you away. There was a while there, where…”
“What?”
He shakes his head. “Nothing. I just thought if I made any advances toward you, I’d be stepping on his toes too much. And then of course there was the fact that I had no idea how you felt. All these years I assumed that you only thought of me as a friend and that’s it.” Pause. “For the most part.”
“For the most part?”
He grins. “Well, I did catch you checking me out a few times.”
“Oh you did not!” But my face is turning red.
“I think I did. I also caught you catching me checking you out. And you looked like you liked it. A lot.”
“Whatever.”
“You know it’s true. But even then, I wasn’t about to risk our friendship.”
“So what changed?”
He chews on his lip for a moment. “I think I grew some balls.”
“I’m glad you did,” I tell him, reaching for his crotch. “You know I love your balls.”
An hour later I’m pulling the car down my parent’s driveway and kneading my hands on the steering wheel.
“Are you…nervous?” Linden asks, sounding shocked.
I give him a look. “I haven’t seen my dad since he fucked off.”
“But they are still your parents.”
“You get nervous around your parents.”
“With reason.”
“Yeah, well, sometimes I have reasons too.”
I take in a deep breath and get out of the car. Once I do, Linden walks around and pulls me into a deep hug.
“Don’t worry,” he says into the top of my head before he plants a kiss there. “I’m here.”
And just like that, half my worries slip away, to the ground, like rain. I close my eyes and let him hold me for a moment. He is here, with me. My rock.
We pull apart and head over to the door. Normally I would just barge in but I feel like it’s best to knock now.
When the door opens, it’s my father and suddenly I don’t feel like I just turned thirty, I feel like I just turned thirteen. He looks the same, tall, tanned, with a dark, lowered brow and intimidating demeanor.
But when he sees me, he smiles and he goes from scary, disapproving dad to someone who genuinely looks happy to see me.
“My little girl,” he says and he comes out onto the stoop to embrace me. He holds me for what seems like forever and I know Linden is just standing there beside us awkwardly.
Finally he pulls away and looks me up and down. “You look beautiful.”
He now turns to Linden and sticks out his hand. “You must be Linden. I’ve heard all about you.”
“Good things I hope,” Linden says, the classic response.
“She says you’re a pilot,” he says and his eyes go all twinkly for a moment before he suddenly looks at the ground and clears his throat. “Anyway, let’s go in. It’s freezing out here.”
As my dad turns and goes back inside, Linden gives me an inquisitive glance. I know he’s wondering what the deal is with the pilot remark and I feel like an idiot for not remembering that’s one of the things my brother Nate and my dad liked to do. When Nate was really young, he would take him to the airport and watch the planes and helicopters take off. Later on, Nate had a remote controlled one that he was really good (at flying).
But then when he got more and more sick, he wasn’t able to play with it as much and eventually we could only take him to the airport for short periods of time. It wasn’t that my dad had wanted Nate to be a pilot and it’s not like Nate ever expressed that himself – he had wanted to be a lot of things. But I guess that’s what really stings. Nate never really thought of himself as sick, even when he was at his worst. He had that optimism of a child that things would get better. He really thought he would live forever.