“Did she hurt you?” she adds.
“Oh,” I exclaim, looking down at my chest where Nadine had shoved me. “No. No, I’m fine.”
“Man, I was so close to clocking her in the face,” Penny says, leaning against the counter and appraising me. “Are you really sure you’re okay? You look really shaken up.”
I swallow uneasily. All the water has done nothing for me. I still feel dry and panicky and sick.
“It was just a surprise, that’s all,” I say to her. “I didn’t think she’d get so upset.” I watch Penny carefully.
She shrugs. “She doesn’t like you. That’s kind of why I wanted you to kiss. It’s my fault. Plus I thought it would be fun to see two friends who have never screwed each other make out. Are you sure you’ve never slept with Linden?”
I shake my head violently. “I haven’t.”
“Well, that’s too bad. That was some kiss.”
“Is that so?”
“Yeah,” she says. “I swear even James was jealous at one point. It was pretty smoking. But it was also a dare. I mean, Nadine made me kiss Aaron, it’s only fair. The damn chick can talk the talk but she can’t walk the walk.” She reaches into her bra and pulls out a red lipstick, swiping it on her lips before offering it to me. I politely decline.
“I think I’m going for a little walk,” I tell her.
“Okay,” she says warily. “But don’t go too far. And don’t ignore the party for too long. We are all your friends out there. Nadine isn’t. She doesn’t count so ignore her like the rest of us do.”
I nod and head out the door. The wind is picking up again and I zip my jacket up to my neck. I have no plans in going far at all, in fact I make it about as far as the Suburban and then lean against it on the other side so I’m sheltered against the wind. In the distance I can hear the crack of the flames as the wind stirs it up and Aaron’s laughter. It should make me feel less alone, but it doesn’t.
Just what the fuck happened out there? Did that kiss actually exist or was it all in my head? Obviously Penny saw something between Linden and I – as did Nadine – but how much of that was because I was getting carried away? How much of that kiss was my wants, my desires, my doing?
And just what the hell was Linden going to think of me now?
I close my eyes and lean my head back against the passenger-side doorframe. I just want to go home. I want to get in the car and drive back to SF and go to my store and continue on with my little life. I work hard and I have no time for anything, but it’s safe. Aaron is safe. Everything is so fucking safe.
Here, on this bluff, on this coast, near Linden, I am the opposite of safe.
I hear gravel crunch on the other side of the car and by the length of the strides, I know it’s Linden before I even see him.
“Hey,” he says, coming around the back of the car. He stands there, the wind tossing his hair, faintly lit by the lights from the front of the cottage.
I try to speak but I can’t. I hug my arms closer to my chest and stare down at my boots. They are nice boots, new to the store just last week. Medium heel, rugged rubber sole, black python body. These boots are safe and real and what I know.
I don’t know this man who is staring at me.
Now walking toward me.
“Stephanie,” he says and in that moment his accent is so strong and thick and gravely, I have no choice but to look up at him. “We need to talk about that.”
I suck in my breath and try to defuse the bomb. “She’s your girlfriend, Linden, not mine.”
He stares at me for a beat and his face softens. “Yes. I’m sorry about that. Did she hurt you?”
I give him a look. “Please. I’m not made of glass.”
Yet why does it feel like I’m so close to shattering?
“I know,” he says. “She freaked out but that was no excuse for her to touch you.”
I sigh and look away, not sure if I want to talk about this at all. I want to pretend none of this happened, but I’m not sure that I can. I’m not sure that I can ever be around Linden as a friend now that I know what it’s like to be with him in another way.
“It’s fine,” I say quietly. “I guess I got a little carried away.” Now, that part was hard to admit. “I’m drunk,” I add. “I’m sorry if I seemed a bit, um…not myself.”
“That wasn’t yourself?” he asks, taking another step toward me. The tips of his shoes nearly meet the tips of mine and there is barely any distance between us. I keep my chin down, my focus on the ground. I can’t look at him now, not so close, not when being so near to him is conjuring up the memories from just moments ago. My lips are tingling and I want to touch them to get them to stop.