Penny starts clapping excitedly. “Well, well, get on with it.”
I can’t even give her a look, my eyes are locked with Linden’s. He’s looking at me with such sincerity that it’s hard to believe what the truth really is. This is a dare and we are just friends. We don’t do this, no matter how many times I’ve dreamed and thought and masturbated to this, we don’t do this.
But his hands come up to my face, holding my cheeks and his palms are so large and warm that I feel my nerves spark and fray and light up my whole body. He is holding me there in the most tender, disarming way, like it’s his job to protect me, to care for me. But his eyes, his eyes are anything but tender. They are dark and wild and even worried, maybe thinking that this is wrong and we shouldn’t be doing this.
Or maybe they’re worried that we’ll find out we should.
And under all that worry there is desire and lust and a million other simmering feelings that I’ve craved, needed, wanted.
I wonder if he can see the fear in my eyes. I wonder if he can see the truth.
He’s leaning in closer now, his eyes trailing off of mine and down to my mouth, down to where his lips are moving to.
I don’t know what to do with my hands. I don’t know what to do.
So I stand there and I close my eyes and I wait until I feel Linden’s lips on mine.
They press on me, flush. They are soft, so soft, like a pillow I’m sinking into, like there is no bottom. Linden’s lips beg, absolutely beg, for more, for more of them, for more of him. And then his mouth is parting and I am kissing him back, kissing the taste of him, which is so much more than just beer. It’s spicy and wild, like his smell, and it’s addictively sweet.
Our mouths fit perfectly, our lips move in rhythm against each other, that soft, wet, luxurious caress of skin on skin. It makes me want more.
So much more.
Now I know what to do with my hands, or maybe my hands know what to do with Linden. I think they’ve always known. I’m reaching for his waist, for the sides of his leather jacket, the very one I bought him for his birthday. I know it’s not supposed to be part of the kiss, but I can’t help it. I want him closer to me and I want more of him.
I get more. His tongue darts into my mouth, slowly sliding along mine and then our mouths are wider, our lips firmer, our kiss hungrier, wetter, harder.
I want to keep kissing him, feeling him, feeling this. It’s stirring up gold-winged butterflies from inside my belly, it’s making my thighs squeeze together, it’s making me want to bite his full bottom lip, to tug at his hair, to feel his hard, rigid body beneath my fingers.
This kiss is breathless and it’s making me want all the things I can’t have.
I can’t have you, I think to myself for a moment, trying to bring myself to reality, to the present, to what we really are to each other.
This is just a dare.
And then I am being shoved backward, hard, by small hands against my chest. I break apart from Linden and gasp as I nearly stumble into the grass.
“Get your fucking hands off him!” Nadine shrieks at me.
For a moment I am angry that she’s all up in my face and then I am horrified at what she might have seen.
How could any of that have been appropriate?
As Penny gets off her to seat to come over to me, telling Nadine, “Hey, calm your tits, it was just a dare,” I look over at Aaron. He’s no longer smiling. He’s frowning, perhaps confused, but he doesn’t look angry either.
But James, James looks angry. And Linden, Linden is staring at me with so much damn sorrow that I don’t know what to do. I feel like I ruined something here, that I got too carried away.
“Excuse me,” I say, moving out of Penny’s grasp and heading back to house. I can’t be out here with these people. They all saw me kiss Linden, they all saw me enjoy that way too much. I’m hoping I can explain it away by saying I was too drunk and it was just all fun and games or just giggle and say that Linden’s such a good kisser, I couldn’t help myself or that hey, isn’t fun to make your boyfriend jealous and then wink at Aaron.
But I need to compose myself first before I can come up with any of that. I need to calm my breath, clear my mind and shove that kiss into the past where it belongs.
It was just a fucking dare. It didn’t mean anything.
It just meant everything to me.
I go back in the house and immediately fill up a glass of water. I drink two glasses full and then feel like I’m going throw up.
I hear the front door open and shut and I freeze, only breathing again when Penny comes in the kitchen.
“Are you okay?” she asks, her thin brows furrowed in concern.
What do I even say to that?