When she’s done rambling she stares back out at the ocean. “Or maybe I’m just talking out of my ass.”
“No,” I say slowly. “That makes sense. But…I don’t really know what to say. I’m just hoping that this is a little phase of hers, you know? A rough patch. And we’ll get out of it. I feel like…at this point in life, you have to be ready to stop the games and get serious. That each person that comes into your life, you have to know if they are going to be there in the long run.”
She seems to freeze at that. “Are you serious about her? Marriage and all that?” she asks softly.
“No,” I find myself blurting out. And I can’t take it back because it’s completely true.
“Even if you do find out it’s just a rough patch?”
I take in a long, hard breath as the weight of a million decisions topple on me. “I don’t know,” I tell her and I get to my feet, feeling the need to turn away from her and where the conversation should be going. “But I do know, that things would be better if they had worked out differently.” I swallow and look her in the eye. “For both of us.”
Then I leave her there on the log, on the beach, the wind in her hair, before I do something I might regret.
CHAPTER TEN
STEPHANIE
“Penny for your thoughts?” Aaron asks me before he suddenly bursts out laughing. He looks at Penny, nearly keeling over on the picnic table, and says, “Sorry Penny, you must hear that a lot and think people are talking to you.”
“Not as much as you would think,” she says wryly and from the look on her face I know she thinks Aaron is a total moron.
I wish I didn’t agree with that half the time.
We’re all sitting on the picnic table just outside of the cottage, in front of a fire pit we have roaring. It’s dark outside, the beer and wine are scattered about, as are the messy ingredients for our half-hearted attempts at S’mores. The wind only whips up every now and then and though it’s toasty in front of the fire, the moment you step away you can really feel that late autumn chill rolling in off of the Pacific.
I should be completely relaxed and in my element. I love being by the ocean. I love the soothing, regenerating qualities of the waves, the way they seem to cleanse you with each break. I love the wind in my hair and fresh air in my lungs and that happy, almost surreal sense of freedom that you get when you’re outside and staring up at that dark, star-filled sky.
But I’m not relaxed, not even in the slightest. I had thought that this whole weekend I would be distracted by work, by the guilt of closing today and the money I’d lose. But that hasn’t even entered my headspace for more than a second. Well, barely more than a second.
Instead, my mind is all over Linden. Literally, crawling over every single glance and touch and word he’s thrown my way. This is exactly why I would never give Aaron my thoughts, whether they be in exchange for a copper penny or a wad of thousand dollar bills. It’s wrong and it’s bad but I can’t help it.
I can’t figure my out best friend anymore.
Sometimes, when he looks at me, I swear something in him has changed. The glances are more intense, his eyes seem molten and charged. Sexual.
And I like it. I love it. I want it. I want there to be this change, for this to be a thing because then maybe, maybe I would act on it. Maybe I would take that chance and turn him into something more than a friend.
But there lies the problem. How do you ensure someone feels the same way about you without telling them how you feel? This isn’t grade school. I can’t pass on a message to James and get him to fish around. First of all, sometimes I get the feeling that James is a bit wary of me and Linden’s relationship and I know there is no way he’d be accepting of it, regardless.
And if I tell Linden how I feel and he doesn’t feel the same way that would ruin our friendship. It would ruin everything we have together, not to mention the relationships we’re both in.
When it all comes down to it, I’m not really sure if I can ever do anything about it. I’m just seeing things I want to see and living in a fantasyland. The reality is totally different. My reality is Aaron, sweet but stupid Aaron with his bronzed skin, killer highlights and endless summer attitude. Linden’s reality is Nadine…
…and I can’t really come up with any positive adjectives for the girl, so I won’t. But I now wonder if Linden is going to stay with her if it turns out he’s really unhappy. In some ways, I can’t believe he even admitted that to me. Once upon a time we would talk about our dating lives with each other, but that all changed in the last year. Now, it’s like it’s completely off-limits and that’s only added another mile of distance between us.