Was this my doing?
My heart clenches. There is not enough morphine in the world for this.
James scratches at his head and then sighs. He sits down on the plastic chair beside the bed. “Linden. I’m going to tell you something and it’s not going to be easy.”
Oh fucking hell. I’m right, aren’t I?
“Okay,” I say. It’s barely audible over the blood whooshing in my ears.
“You’re going to want to kill me.”
“Sounds wonderful.”
“And I probably shouldn’t tell you this right now of all times, but if I don’t tell you then you’ll never get back to where you need to be. And you know where you need to be, don’t you? You need to be back in San Francisco. And you need to be with her.”
All right. It’s taking me a while to process this but that’s not at all what I thought he’d say.
He swallows uneasily. “I told you I was in love with Stephanie. And you know what? I was. When we were together, I was. And after we broke up…yeah, I did have a hard time letting go of her. Sleeping with her again didn’t help either. It’s not like I lied to you but…when I told you I was in love with her, that I broke up with Penny for her, I didn’t really know what I was saying.”
“I am so confused,” I tell him, trying to understand. “You may have noticed I’ve got a concussion.”
He looks right at me and it’s like he’s bracing himself. “I wasn’t so much in love with her as I wanted to have her. I wanted to have her want me. And I wanted to take her away from you. Because I knew. All along I knew what was going on between the two of you. I knew you both were lying to me, hiding shit from me, sneaking around. I didn’t like it. And more than that, I didn’t think it was fair.” He pauses. “This isn’t an easy thing for me to admit but the fact is, I was jealous. I wanted you to know what loss and sacrifice was. For once, I wanted you to not have everything.”
I don’t realize how much I’m clenching my jaw together until my head starts to pound with pain. But that’s nothing, nothing compared to the rage inside. “What the fuck?” is all I manage to eke out. “Why would you do that to me?”
His smile is cold. “Because you were doing it to me. And because I was a weak, stupid friend who couldn’t seem to stop resenting you. I’m not proud of it. But it’s true.”
“You’re going to give me a fucking heart attack,” I swear at him. “If my fucking arm wasn’t broken, I’d fucking choke you to death. Hell I bet I could do it with one bloody hand!” And suddenly I’m reaching for him, but the IV is pulling at my skin.
“I’m sorry,” he says, not moving, like he wants me to kill him. “I fucked everything up. I ruined what you and I had and I ruined what you and Steph had. I ruined everything. Even my relationship with fucking Penny! All because I was too petty and blind and angry to see what I was doing.”
I can barely speak. “Why the fuck are you telling me this now?” I growl at him. “I’m barely alive, in the bloody hospital. Did you tell me that to appease your own god damn conscience?”
He shakes his head. “No. Because I don’t feel any better and I don’t think I will. I’m telling you this now because Stephanie is here. That you don’t have to worry about my feelings. That you shouldn’t feel guilty for anything. I’m telling you this so you can fucking fight for her. That’s what she deserves. Someone to fight for her. We both had her at some point and we were both very lucky. But you’re the one who can have her again, should have her again. You’re the one she belongs with. It’s always been you.”
I close my eyes, trying to regain my breath. “I broke her heart.”
“Then man the fuck up and put it back together.”
I open one eye at look at him. He’s gotten to his feet, looming over me.
“We both fucked up. But you’re the one with best shot of making it right. Get her back. Win her back.”
“She doesn’t want me back.”
“She’s still in fucking love with you,” James says, exasperated. I want to believe him so badly but I don’t know how anyone could love anyone after this. Love is so fickle, so rare, so fragile. There’s no way she would have held on to it. There’s no way she could ever forgive me after what I’ve done.
“Do you still love her?” he asks quietly.
I don’t even think. I just nod. “Yes. More than ever. I love her more than anything.” And with each word that comes out of my mouth, my chest caves in a little bit more. Maybe it’s a broken bone, but I can’t be sure.