"Marley, you were a little girl. He was a grown man and very … sick."
"I know, but I still wish I had fought him because I knew it was wrong. He would set up dates for us and pretend that we had a relationship and I accepted that as normal."
"So that's why you don't do relationships? He fucked that up for you, didn't he?"
"I guess so. I wasn't even interested in sex for a long time. Then one day I was. I thought I could keep the two separated because it was easier to deal with it that way. If I didn't care about the person I was with then I could handle it."
"What happened to him, Marley?"
His question surprised me. "Why do you want to know?"
"I want to know if you got your justice and if you didn't, I want to be the one to give it to you." Rick had said it calmly, but the words sent shivers down my spine.
"He's at Greenville cemetery, he committed suicide. I think because of what he did to me. His suicide note was addressed to me and it was only one word-sorry. That's when my mom knew and I finally admitted to everything. The night terrors started a few months later."
"So you never really got your justice because the bastard took the easy way out."
"I hadn't really thought of it that way. Maybe the reasons I have the terrors is that I never got closure. I'm a lucky girl though, because my family totally helped me through it."
They did help me, but they also felt crazy guilty and did really stupid things like move their new husbands into their family home or refuse to go to the college of their dreams. An epiphany occurred that made me cry harder. Rick held me close, but I didn't voice it. My mother didn't date anymore. How could she when she has a messed up daughter to look after every night?
My mom came out then with Billie next to her. I shifted away from Rick because our bodies were completely locked together, but he didn't let me go. My mom didn't seem bothered by it either.
"Billie and I are going to the farmer's market. We'll be back in a few hours." I knew she wanted to give us time alone, but there was nothing else to say at this point. Before she left, she turned on the stereo and No Woman No Cry by Bob Marley came on. She nodded to us then they left.
"You think your mom is trying to send us a message?" Rick asked, relaxing his posture for the first time since my admission.
I looked up at him and managed a weak smile. "Yes, especially me"-I pointed to the stereo and back at myself-"from Marley to Marley."
* * * *
Rick spent the whole week with me, with my mother's permission. He was very patient and we talked every night. He brought up how he was leaving soon, but I changed the subject every time. I wasn't ready to talk about the future until we could get past the present. In many ways, it was the best and worst week of my life. I loved sleeping next to him and that there were no secrets between us anymore, but I hated what would be in store for me when I woke up. I never hurt him physically that week and I knew that because I insisted on doing a physical inspection on his body every morning. Well, I also had other motives for that. On the surface, it seemed like things were going well.
There were other signs though that had me doubting everything. Rick was always a ball of energy, but this week he was lethargic. I saw the dark circles under his eyes and the way he rubbed his temples. He started requesting coffee again and this time he drank it. I was used to the disruptive sleep patterns, but it was all new for him.
He never told me any of it bothered him, but I saw it in his face. We didn't make love very much, and when we did, he was more delicate with me, and hesitant. Some of the passion that radiated in his eyes was replaced with pity. It disheartened me to see it, because the last thing I wanted was his pity. I couldn't blame him though. I never remembered what I said, but my mom had told me before. What kind of man, especially one as good and kind as Rick, would want to touch a woman after she called him a paedophile and rapist all night?
There was more to it than just that. I started thinking of how our future would look. It wasn't about being disturbed in your sleep or watching someone go through trauma and not being able to help them. It was more than that. This man loved to travel and I wasn't able to go anywhere. I would scream bloody murder and I'm sure any hotel personnel would think Rick was raping me in the middle of the night. What would happen if we had kids? How would we ever explain why mommy called daddy a rapist every night? God forbid, what if they crawled into bed with us after having a nightmare of their own and I hurt them? It was all too morbid. I knew I was thinking far ahead, but the ramification of my infliction was not as simple as separate beds like Rick made it out. In fact, he couldn't even follow through with that. He insisted on sleeping next to me every night.
I had never even thought of things like travel, marriage or children before Rick. Hell, I'd never even thought of dating or relationships, for God's sake. I didn't voice any of my concerns to him because I knew he would only try to deflect them. Rick would never tell me. He would never turn his back on someone he loved. Although we'd never said it to each other, I had a strong perception that he loved me as well. That's why I knew I had to let him go. I had to be the stronger one. He deserved a normal life with a normal girl that wouldn't try to hurt him while he slept or make him feel like a pervert.
I was selfish though, because I wanted this week. It was Stevie's wedding week and I wanted to wake up next to the man I loved every morning. I knew once it was over I would be completely … inconsolable.
Chapter Sixteen
The day of Stevie's wedding was one of the craziest I'd ever seen. I was running around like a mad woman, finishing all the last minute details. Rick had left early, kissing me goodbye. After that, a million people had accosted our house. Dillon did Stevie's hair and makeup. Adam's mother Kate and my mom, were either laughing or crying tears of joy most of the day, going back and forth between our houses. Billie and I dealt with last minute issues between the caterers and hall. I also had the task of keeping Adam away from Stevie. This was very difficult, since he'd made up his mind to make love to her in her wedding dress, before the ceremony. I literally had to threaten to punch him, like I had Mr Clean's nephew, to get him to back off.
I loved the whole day though. Despite how we fought, Stevie was my best friend too. It was an honour to stand up for her in the elegant, black dress she had chosen for me. The wedding took place at the outdoor gardens of San Marston club. Stevie and Adam stood under an arch of white roses and twinkling lights, made even brighter by the stars in the night sky. They stared at each other as if they were the only two people in the world. Everyone admired Stevie in her gorgeous, form fitting, pearl-encrusted gown. They had written their own vows, choosing to tie their union with their own sentiments. Stevie's vows were beautiful and poetic, then it was Adam's turn.
"Stevie, I've loved you forever. I loved you even when I was being mean to you and popping the heads off your dolls. I've loved you when you were bossing me around, not that you've ever stopped. I used to watch you when you were dancing in your room with your sisters. I swear it wasn't weird or anything, but I always thought you were the most beautiful girl in the world. When I learnt to play the guitar, I learnt every Nickelback song there was. I left my window open so you could hear me. I have a confession to make-I hate Nickelback. It didn't matter though because I knew you loved them, so I learnt every single song. I played them for you whether you heard me or not." Adam choked on the last line. He was doing that man sob as if he was trying to keep the fullness of his feelings inside, because if he let out all his emotions, he might explode. Everyone cried with him, at least all the women did. The men glanced away or smiled nervously as if they felt sorry for poor Adam.
I laughed because Stevie had always known he watched her from his window, which faced hers. He should have suspected because I doubted most girls dressed up and put on makeup to dance in their rooms. I also knew she'd listened up every time she'd heard a guitar riff coming from his window.
"I loved when you got glasses and braces, because I didn't think they made you look ugly like you said. I thought you made the glasses and braces look better. Do you remember when we were eight and Danny Morris knocked you down into that mud puddle?" Stevie nodded. "Remember how he came to school the next day with a black eye? Yeah, that was me, babe." Stevie's shocked expression revealed she'd had no idea. "Actually it was Marley who punched him, but I held him back for her."
Funny, I had forgotten this memory. Probably because there were many memories that weren't so clear from that year, when things had started changing for me. Things I wanted to forget and things I didn't. They'd occurred in the same timeframe so I'd just forgotten them all. It occurred to me that was the reason why I thought Adam and Rick were holding Mr Clean's nephew for me, because Adam and I had been in that position before.