My insides tightened and I felt like I might faint. He must have sensed it to because he gripped my waist, steadying me. He probably thought it was because I'd been drinking, but it wasn't. The fear of losing him pierced straight through my heart, crushing it.
My voice came out quietly, but hysteria lingered behind it. "Rick, please escort me home in a cab. I don't feel well, and I know you're too much of a gentleman to leave me out here on the street."
He sighed, but leaned me against the brick exterior of a shop then walked to the corner to hail us a cab. We sat silently the whole way to my house at opposite ends of the cab, both looking out our respective windows. When the cab pulled up to my house, Rick directed the driver, "Wait until she's inside, then we can go." When he turned to me, his face was expressionless. "Or do you need help to make it to the door?" His voice was cold and distant.
"Aren't you coming inside with me?" I asked him tentatively. I winced when he laughed.
"I don't think so."
I moved closer to him, aware the cab driver was watching us. "Rick, you won the bet tonight."
"Don't worry, I don't plan on holding you to it."
"Rick, please come inside with me. I need to tell you some things."
He looked at me closely as if he was trying to assess me. I knew it was probably because he'd never heard my voice sound so pleading. I tried to hold back the tears, but they managed to work their way down my cheeks anyway. "Please."
Rick handed the cab driver some money and told him to leave. My sigh of relief was so profound that I should have been embarrassed, but I wasn't. He lent me his arm to walk me into the empty house. It was a gallant gesture, but he only did it because he was a gentleman. Everyone was still at the club, dancing their butts off. I knew Stevie had texted Billie and Dillon and told them to keep my mom occupied, and make up a story why the rest of us weren't there.
Rick strode over to the bookshelf in the far corner of the room, studying our family photographs. I approached him and took his hand. He didn't squeeze my hand or even look at me, but he didn't push me away either.
"Rick, I know you're pissed off, but you can't hold it against me that I couldn't define what we had when we came to our agreement. You couldn't either."
"You're right, but what I'm more interested in is what you would call it now, Marley. I'm sorry about what I said to you. I shouldn't have said it. You didn't deserve it. I'm frustrated because I get some very mixed signals from you, and it totally confuses me. Is it because I'm leaving that you're scared? We can discuss that, but it seems like you never want to. Or is it something else?"
I was silent, unsure how to answer his question, which only aggravated him more.
When he spoke, his voice was curt and crisp, "Marley, I've really enjoyed our time together, but I think it's best if we move on. Being with you is exasperating as hell for me. It feels like you're a brick wall that I have to chip away at, piece by piece. I can't keep doing it. As much as I love being with you, I'm tired of feeling rejected and isolated."
My voice came out a whimper, "You're breaking up with me?"
He smiled, soft and sad. "No, baby, I'm ending our verbal contract. I'm ending your sabbatical."
He kissed my forehead and turned to leave, but I didn't let go of his hand.
"Come to my bedroom," I said, trying to lead him, but he didn't budge.
"Marley, I'm not interested in fucking you right now. I can't believe I'm saying that, but it's true."
"Rick I need to show you something."
He studied me guardedly, narrowing his eyes suspiciously.
"I'm trying to plough through the brick wall myself," I said pleadingly.
He came closer to me, moving me against the wall in the living room. I thought he might kiss me, but he stopped just shy of my lips. "I want answers. No passes this time."
"What answers, Rick?"
He grabbed my wrist, holding it up to my face. "Why the hell are your wrists always red? Are you into some sort of S&M bullshit? Are you cheating on me? Why won't you spend the night with me? Why do you have so many crazy rules?"
I moved my wrist out of his grasp. His words hurt me, especially the accusation. "How can I be cheating on you when I spend all my time with you? I can't believe you'd make that assumption."
"Stop answering my questions with questions. I need answers, Marley."
"I'll give them to you. Please come to my room. It will be easier to show you."
He backed away and I started slowly walking up the stairs. I felt instant relief when he followed me. I opened my bedroom door and turned to him. "This is my bedroom."
Rick glanced around the room and back at me. "What? You're trying to tell me you're messy? I already knew that."
Despite the intensity, I actually chuckled. "No you jerk, look at my bed."
He strolled over to my queen-sized bed and sat on my hot-pink sheets. He lifted up the Velcro cuffs attached to my headboard and stared at the baby monitor on the nightstand.
"What? You have a kid?"
"No."
"Fuck, just tell me because you're confusing the hell out of me."
I sat beside him. I wanted to sit on his lap, but I knew it probably wasn't a good idea. "I have night terrors, so that's why I can't spend the night with you."
Rick shook his head. "You have nightmares? Are you serious right now? You don't want to have a nightmare in front of me? Are we talking Freddy Krueger here?"
I swallowed. "Not like that, but I think they based those movies on what I have. They aren't nightmares. That's what everyone thinks, but they're so much more than that. Usually only kids have them, but there are rare cases in adults, like me. I don't remember them when I wake up the next day, and they don't happen every night, but when they do it can be extremely dangerous. I'm very physical, and I can potentially hurt anyone who's trying to calm me down. The thing is, I can't be comforted in that state. The monitor is so my mom knows when I'm having one. Sometimes, I just cry and scratch myself. The cuffs are to stop me from doing that. They also prevent me from hurting someone else."
Rick was quiet for a moment, studying the cuffs in his hands and the monitor. "Marley, isn't there medication you can take for this?"
"Yes, I take pills, but they only help a little. If I take a stronger prescription it will block them out, but I can't function the next day."
He moved a strand of hair behind my ear. I was instantly relieved to feel another tender touch from him. I was waiting for him to run out of the door, and I wondered if we should have told the cab driver to wait after all. When Rick spoke, the hostility was gone and his voice was reassuring. "So, we'll spend the night here tonight, since I won the bet, and this is where you're most comfortable."
I stared at him with my mouth agape. "Rick, you don't really understand. I don't remember these episodes, but I know they're traumatic. I see my family's faces the next day, and I instantly know when I've had one, because it's painful for them, even more so than for me. I'm scared I might hurt you. I only spent one night away from home since they started. I was at a slumber party, and I managed to knock Cindy Lahaska's front tooth out while she was sleeping." I winced, remembering the event. After that, all the girls regarded me as a complete oddball. I guess in retrospect, I'd had no choice but to be a tomboy.
Rick pulled me onto his lap. "I think I'm tougher than Cindy Lahaska. I want to spend the night with you, baby. You know what I'm feeling right now?"
"I know you should be feeling like running out my front door."
He chuckled and leaned into my ear. "No, I feel awful you have to go through this, but I'm relieved too."
"Relieved?" It seemed like such an odd thing to say.
"Because you trusted me with this and this was the reason you didn't want to stay with me. I thought it was because your feelings for me didn't run as deep as mine."
I threw my arms around his neck, gripping him tightly.
"Marley, I want to spend the night with you. I want to watch you sleep. I want to help you when you have a nightmare … er … sorry, night terror. I want to take away your pain."
His words made the waterworks flow again and my whole body shuddered from it, but he still didn't understand. "Rick, I know you're thinking that you're going to hold me, and it'll go away. You don't understand how it works. I'm completely … inconsolable. No one can calm me down. My family has dealt with it for years. I just have to ride it out while they make sure that I don't hurt myself."
"Then that's what I'll do. If it means I'm not able to stop it then I can accept that, but I want to be here to make sure you don't hurt yourself. Do you trust me to do that?"
"Yes," I said, whimpering on his shoulder.
"Marley, I didn't mean to make you cry."