“I chose not to report the incident because I didn’t believe that girl,” he said, now shouting and pointing back at me. “Listen, Shea. I am the head coach of a major football program—”
“Which means you have a responsibility—” I jumped in, my voice as loud as his.
“Yes! A responsibility to ninety guys. If I had sat Ryan, I would have penalized eighty-nine other guys who had worked their asses off all year, some of them for four years. I would have penalized their families and friends. I would have punished my coaching staff and every Walker student and alum. Every man, woman, and child who gives to this program. Gives their blood, sweat, tears, dollars, time, hearts. I could have ruined Ryan’s football career. Changed his entire future.”
“But if he raped her—”
“And what if he didn’t! Can you really picture him doing that, Shea?”
I hesitated and then shook my head. “No. I can’t imagine him doing such a thing,” I said quietly. “But I still would have reported it … Just to be on the safe side.”
“Well, good for you, Shea. Good for making that decision with fifteen years of hindsight and a whole lot more information than I had. Thank you for that classic bit of Monday morning quarterbacking. Just like those idiots who call in to my show.”
“This is different from questioning a play in a game …”
“I know that, Shea. And I also know that I made a mistake. A terrible mistake. I don’t believe he raped her, but now … I do believe he did something to her … And I know I should have done more for her … And I’m manning up and admitting that to you. I would change it if I could. But I can’t.”
“What about trying to fix what happened?” I said.
“How?”
“By apologizing to Tish?”
“I’ve already done that. Would you like to read the letter? It’s back there on my desk. Go read it! Go on! Then tell me what else I should do. Turn myself in? Penalize my current team, which had nothing to do with this? Bring down the program, fifteen years later? Is that what you want? If that’s what you want—go ahead and do it yourself. You’re a reporter. Write the story. Write the damn story, Shea. Include what Ryan did to you. Write all of it! I’ll give you a hell of a quote!”
I stared at him, speechless, more confused than ever.
Coach finally spoke. “I’m not perfect, Shea. I never claimed to be perfect. The media did that. The media loves a black and white story … But guess what? It’s never black and white. Never. I’m not the saint they made me out to be. And I’m not the demon they’d love to portray if they knew … this.”
“This what?” I said, because he was gesturing between us again.
“Well, for starters, if they knew that I’m involved with a girl I practically raised. My daughter’s best friend. A reporter on my beat covering an NCAA probe into my program …”
“I’m going to resign,” I said. Although this was the first moment that such a thought had occurred to me, I was suddenly sure of the decision.
“You’re doing no such thing,” he said. “Because that’s the least of it … That’s a nothing little sidebar compared to this Paterno story we have going here. Forget the dubious rape allegation. There’s still an assault and battery charge that I swept under the carpet on the eve of the Cotton Bowl.”
“This is nothing like Paterno and Penn State,” I said.
“They’ll say that it is.”
“It’s not true.”
“The truth doesn’t matter.”
“You don’t believe that. Of course it matters.”
“Well, then, you listen here, Shea. You listen good. Because I’d stake my life on what I’m about to tell you … That decision I made in my office fifteen years ago? … It was wrong … But it had nothing to do with winning a football game. It has never been about winning a football game.”
“What’s it about?” I said, my voice cracking.
“It’s about loyalty. It’s about commitment to the people you love. Your wife. Your family. Your friends. Your team. It’s about giving it your all and doing the very best you can with what you have, in every moment you’re in. And that’s what I did that night in my office. That’s what I do on the football field. And that’s what I’m doing right now as I defend myself to the woman I love.”
“You love me?” I said, my heart pounding in my ears.
“Yes, I love you. I’m madly in love with you. I want you more than anything. And a whole hell of a lot more than winning a football game. Even a national championship.”