The One For Me (Danver #8)(45)

Feeling generous, since he was helping her escape, she smiled, saying, “Sure, how about we take a walk?”

It made her a little uneasy when he brightened as if she’d just handed him an early Christmas present. Maybe she wasn’t the only one looking for an excuse to run tonight. Her mother had probably demanded that he show up for the mandatory dinner as well. Poor Bill—he wasn’t about to say no to Dot Webber either. Apparently, Declan was the only one not intimidated by her. Well—him and Mark. He would be her mother’s nightmare. Like Declan, he’d have no problem calling her on her behavior. She couldn’t fathom how wonderful it would be to have that type of buffer. Ella had it now. Her sister still took a lot of crap from their mother, but Declan stepped in when he felt it was needed.

When they reached the back deck, Bill took her hand, helping her down the steps. They’d been walking through the wooded landscape for a few moments before she realized that he hadn’t released her hand. He’d never been the hand-holding type, so this was foreign to her. She was relieved when he stopped next to a bench that her father liked to use for his bird-watching hobby. She thought it was possibly just an excuse to have some time alone when he was desperate to escape, which she certainly understood. She took a seat, freeing herself from his hold. “It’s really nice out tonight,” she said lamely. Shit, why could she no longer talk to someone with whom she’d once shared a home?

Without answering, he perched next to her, staring off into space. He looked every bit as uncomfortable as she felt. So she really wasn’t surprised when he asked, “What happened to us, Crystal?”

Releasing her breath on a loud sigh, she said quietly, “I don’t know, Bill. I guess it’s inevitable after divorce that things would be awkward between us.”

He raised a hand, pushing it through his hair in a gesture of agitation. She had to fight the urge to smooth down the strands that were now sticking up. It just seemed wrong to see Bill disheveled. She almost fell from her seat in shock when he said, “I know it’s my fault that our marriage failed, and now we can’t even say hello without it being strange.”

“Bill . . . I’m sure they are things that we both could have done differently. But I’ve come to realize that we’re just two people who are far too different to have a successful marriage. That doesn’t mean that either of us was to blame. We just weren’t compatible.”

“But I loved you,” he said without hesitation, “and I still do. I never wanted to let you go. I just didn’t know how to keep you.”

Feeling her throat go tight, she stared at the man she’d once thought she’d spend her life with. “I’m sorry I hurt you,” she said sincerely. At the time, she wasn’t even sure he really cared, but now she could see that she’d been very wrong.

He took her hand in his for the second time that night and absently rubbed her fingers. “You know the type of parents I come from. They’re not very . . . demonstrative, and that’s how I was raised. I knew—especially the last few years of our marriage—that you wanted more from me, but I couldn’t give that to you. I just . . . didn’t know how, Crystal. I felt like a total failure as a man because you were slipping away a little more each day and I was powerless to stop it. You’d look at me, and I could see the unhappiness there. I knew the day that Ella got married that I’d lost you. I watched you up there standing next to her as she took her vows, and I could see that it was over for you. I’m sure no one else noticed it because all eyes were on the bride and groom, but I saw the longing that you couldn’t hide. You wanted what she had. Not Declan, but someone like him. I think, at that point, the part of me that had been holding out hope just gave up. I’m not that guy, and I never will be. After that, I was an ass to you—even more than usual, I know. But it was the only way I could face you leaving. I had to pretend that I didn’t care anymore.”

Letting her head rest against his arm, Crystal murmured, “Oh, Bill . . . why didn’t you say all of this before? I was so lost myself that I would have been thrilled if you’d admitted you felt the same way.”

With a laugh devoid of humor, he said, “Manly pride. I couldn’t admit to you that I didn’t know how to be the husband you needed. It’s not a great feeling when you aren’t giving the woman you love what she needs. Instead of trying, I kept ignoring the problem and just hoped it would go away.” Shrugging his shoulders, he added, “If nothing else, months of therapy have made me accept that.”