“I didn’t mean it like that. You know I’m crap with words. I’m telling you, Lulu, Nathan and I have talked for hours about this and I’m convinced that this has all been a terrible mix-up.”
I remain silent, processing her words. Deep within me I want to hear them.
“I don’t know why Seb let it happen the way it did but to be fair, she turned up, unexpected and you had only just sorted things after the Toni incident. I’m not siding with him but the guy is mad about you - anyone can see that. He was just being a bloke, put on the spot. Just my two-penneth that’s all but he definitely needs to work at it, to win you back, I’m with you there.”
Silence.
I process her words but I’m irritated at her defence of him.
“If you won’t talk to Seb yet, consider Na - he’s on your side babe and he might give you an insight into it all - he is his brother?”
I pull the covers back and peek out, big eyes haunted with nasty memories. Abby was like a dog with a bone. “OK. I’ll see Na when I meet with him for work. But I’m not promising anything!”
“That’s all I can ask, my lovely. Now how about a shower - I love you but it’s time to wash the Winceyette pj’s, take them off here and they’ll walk themselves to the machine.”
I listen to her motherly mutterings, from my cocooned blanket, as she cleans up and opens the curtains, and tuts in exasperation as I hiss like a vampire as the light hits my face. I don’t want to hear an explanation from Nathan. It isn’t his fault, I’m just upset that he hadn’t mentioned that Seb was seeing someone else at the time we were messing around.
I had wanted to hear it from Sebastian on the morning trolly-dolly Ray flew in and wrecked everything. I had wanted to hear him introduce me as his girlfriend to the imposter – to fight for us, and not just stand there like a bloody lemon! I’d needed him to man-up - take control - wasn’t that supposed to be his bloody thing? The only time I’m happy for him to control a situation and he stands back and lets it play out on its own accord.
I think that was what hurt the most, he’d just stood there; that - and the dawning realisation that I’d been right all along – he was not programmed for a serious, monogamous relationship with anyone - even with his best friend - and if he wanted something he always got it, no matter what the cost or who got damaged in the process. He was willing to risk our friendship, to dip his cock in the one pot of honey that proved more of a challenge to him than any other, regardless of the consequences.
I should feel complimented by that part at least, I suppose. But once he’d had me, it was all too sickly and sweet and normal for him, too vanilla – he’d never consider being honest with me, with himself, that it just wasn’t for him, that he wasn’t capable of being tied to just one woman.
God, I sound so bitter and angry and I am utterly devastated by it all – this was totally different to the time when I’d split with my ex, Niall. That had been a rough-ride because of Finn, but I’d felt relief in some respects. I hadn’t ached for the loss of Niall, the way my soul aches for Sebastian.
This time I am… completely… irrefutably… broken.
I’d fallen way too deep, too fast.
I’m broken but deep-down all I want, despite what has happened, is for him to come and put me back together and I hate myself for my weakness.
Finally, after much pressure from Abby and my sister Suzie to snap out of it before Finn figured out anything was seriously adrift, I frame myself and on the morning of day 8 of Armageddon. It was Monday, and an extremely bright and sunny one at that, as I shower, dress for work, drop Finn off at crèche en route and head to work. Those simple daily tasks, usually done in a whirlwind of repetition, drain me to the brink of exhaustion. I’d remembered to leave Finn’s overnight bag with Daisy, his crèche nurse as my Mum and Dad were having him until Wednesday so I could play catch-up. I remind myself to thank Suze for arranging it all, as I couldn’t face talking to Mum yet; she’d know something was wrong immediately - mother’s instinct maybe?
As I struggle through my emotional fog filled with shadowy thoughts of Sebastian, I shake my head in exasperation, each time determined to frame myself and vanquish him from my existence. The longest I’ve managed is 2 minutes. Wow! Sooner or later I’ll have to throw myself back into working on The Ashton project and I’d need to call Nathan to iron a few things out before progressing. I’m hoping that he’ll then agree to project manage the job on Chris' and Seb’s behalf, as there was no fucking way I’d be dealing with either of those arrogant knob-heads!