The Police had informed me that witnesses had reported a dark saloon driving carelessly alongside Lucia at the time of the accident, causing the car coming down the hill in the opposite direction to swerve to avoid the saloon, and head straight for Lu’s car - she was forced into a wall to avoid the third party.
My jaw hurt, from clenching down on my teeth in anger. What the fuck had this person been on and why her? Something I’d immediately asked the officers and been scared shitless by their answers. In their opinion this had been sabotage. It had been a deliberate attack - nothing random and most certainly planned. Which meant our unborn child had been murdered.
Take a breath mate and put your hatred for this arsehole to one side - this has to be about your woman now - she needs you and you’re no good to her if you can’t give her everything. She deserves everything.
With a tentative push, I enter the hospital room and feel myself going back in time to that day four years ago; like I’ve walked through a portal into 2011 - it even smelled the same. God, I feel sick. Just like last time, she lies unmoving within the bed, her frame petite within the setting - apparatus recording her readings and tubes running from her arms. She’s fine though - I convince myself. Broken, but still alive. My rusty prayers had been answered.
Her head wrapped in a bandage, a cast covers her wrist and her eyes are both blackened like a panda - Oh, baby. What have they done to you? As if I’d spoken the words aloud, she opens them and smiles weakly. “Seb, you’re here. I’ve been asking for you.”
“I’m here, darling. Gave us all a bit of a shock didn’t you?” I’m aware that my attempts to lighten the mood fail miserably when my voice breaks. “Don’t ever leave me like that again, Lu - I almost didn’t survive!”
We kiss passionately and she winces, causing me to jump back apologetic. “What did I do?”
“Just pulled the cover too tight - I’m fine, honestly. The drugs are goood - I feel so out of it.”
“That’s probably for the best. You’ve only just had surgery. When did you wake up?”
“Not long - when my mum was in? I don’t know - no one’s really telling me anything and I keep drifting in and out - dreaming…” Her eyes close once again and I smile. Bless she always fights sleep, whether she’s been drugged or not.
Stroking her arm gently, I take a seat next to her, noticing the flowers around the room - she’d only been there hours and the room was full of roses, lilies and peonies - her favourite. My popular girl.
Her next words floor me and my mouth dries.
“The baby?”
Her hands immediately fly to her abdomen and the look that crosses her face rips my insides apart. God, I wish I could take the pain away for her.
“Seb?”
She looks at me, dazed and confused. We’d never talked about the pregnancy. Why didn’t you tell me, baby? Now this made everything so much harder - we had this huge divide between us and I can’t seem to get close to her. I look up at her eyes, filled with unshed tears - she already knew the answer - my words weren’t going to make this any better, but at least it was coming from me and not some stranger in a white coat.
I shake my head, finding it hard to meet her beautiful green eyes and her sharp intake of breath and racking moan is my undoing. “I’m so sorry, baby.”
I grasp her hand and take it to my mouth, pressing my lips in a never-ending kiss, my eyes closed with the intensity of my emotions. How long we stay like that I don’t know; me hunched over the bed, holding her hand, united in our grief. Stay with me, baby - don’t climb back inside yourself, I'm here for you - you don’t need to go through this alone.
I’m about to leave, sure that for now, she needs the time to be alone with her thoughts when I feel her hand touch my head and hold it there; the gesture is enough for me. The relief that she wants to connect with me is overwhelming and l look up, tears in my own eyes to see her beautiful face, focused entirely on me. Her next words undo me. “I’m so sorry.”
I kiss her then - her cheeks, her forehead, her lips - my love for her spilling out - my heart breaking at her selflessness. “You have nothing - nothing - to be sorry for, darling. You matter - you come first.”
“I so wanted your baby - our baby.”
“So did I, Lu - I didn’t realise how much until I’d lost it but so did I.”
“You did?”
“Yes.”
“But you don’t want children?”
What?
My head’s pretty murky but things are beginning to dawn and make sense here. Oh fucking hell, I’ve seriously messed up. What a prize prick. I knew she’d taken issue with our talk in The Maldives, but when I’d asked her she’d said it wasn’t that.