“I should never have let you go inside last night.” He sounds emotional. “We started the night off fine. It was amazing and then I don’t know where it went wrong? You went all insular on me - you were so cold.”
I wince. “I’m sorry that wasn’t my intention. I was just so tired.”
“And today - my calls, emails? Nada, Lu - you sent me to Coventry.”
“I sent you a text!”
“Well I didn’t get anything.”
“I promise - I asked you to meet me here at 8pm.” I can’t believe he’s being so obtuse and to prove a point I retract my phone from my pocket, scroll down to his name in my messages folder and go to the one I sent him earlier… where it sits unsent and unread with an exclamation mark next to it. Oh crap! “Bloody signal at work - see I typed it and thought I’d sent it. See!” I shove the phone in his face but his unimpressed look is statuesque. I’d probably be the same in his shoes.
I look at my feet, my voice breaks a little. “I’m sorry, I should have realised when you never replied.”
“This isn’t about some text, Lu. It’s about me giving a piece of myself to you in a way I’ve never done for anyone before; my heart - and you throwing it back in my face.”
I’m getting more and more irritated by the second. “Please don’t think that Seb - this isn’t about the fact that I don’t love you, just the opposite I promise.” I’m controlled as I spell it out to him, surprisingly calm in fact.
“Really? So what’s this about - is this about me not wanting kids?” He orders, his voice like a whiplash
Lightening splits the moment and the yard is floodlit with a lilac white flash. I can see the anger in him clearly and it must be mirrored in me, as he come towards me, instantly joining me for the cool shower and is soaked immediately. I watch a drop of water run its way from his shoulder to the hem of his black and red biker jacket. My hands itches to reach out and catch it. I snap out of the daydream, annoyed with myself at the direction of my thoughts. “Because I’ve wracked my brain and the only thing I can think that has happened between us in the past week that could possibly be a cause for your withdrawal from me is our discussion about children.”
Holy shit - what do I do - what do I do - what do I do?
“It’s not that - although I’d like to reopen that discussion at some point in the future?”
“That’s non-negotiable.”
“What? Never?”
“Never, Lu. I’ve already said Finn is enough for us. I don’t want children.”
With that last admission, I break, my bottom lip trembles, I’m suddenly very cold and shivering uncontrollably. I’m soaked through to the skin. I’ve pushed too far, too soon, I know it but I can’t seem to stop and I nod. “Come, let’s go inside.”
“I’m sorry.” A deep voice rasps nearby. He must have moved towards me again and I feel his hands on my shoulders, pulling me into his embrace. He lifts my chin with one finger and repeats, “I’m so sorry, Lu if you feel suffocated - fuck - I don’t know how to do this. I don’t do relationships. I just know that I can’t be without you. I fucking love you.”
Turning my back from him to try and compose myself, I rack my brain for how to finish things here. It is already apparent that now is not the time to tell him about the baby - if there ever will be a good time. Now he truly has the upper hand.
I move towards him, framing his face - my chest feels like it could explode with emotions I have for this sexy man, standing in the rain, expressing his love for me. Why is it that the three words I craved to hear are now not enough?
“I love you, baby - so much. I’m so sorry you feel I’ve withdrawn from you…” I kiss the corner of his lips. “…that’s an impossibility when I’m thoroughly addicted to you.”
I can feel my heart pummelling against my ribs, and he draws me firmly to his chest. “What do I need to do to convince you that I’m all in, lady?”
Take back your words about not wanting babies with me. My thoughts make my soul ache and I bite my lip to stop the tears. “I believe you, Seb.”
“I love you, and I love your body and I’ve not been inside you for getting on for ooh 24 hours. Let me show you, baby what you mean to me.”
My heart skips a beat at the sentimentality in his voice. I know he truly means it. It’s not all about sex with us - it’s his way of showing me how he feels and I nod.
“I need to be with you tonight, Lu - to stay with you.”
I have Finn but I need him too and I nod, taking his hand. I lead him back into the kitchen, switch off and we make our way upstairs.