What am I doing? I’m just putting a plaster on the problem and continuing like nothing is wrong here. I can’t believe I’d succumbed in such a manner - it must be the pregnancy hormones but I’m even more horny than ever; it’s not taking much to flick me from luke-warm to boiling point with Sebastian. How am I going to tell him now? When I’ve just fucked him in a public place; I am hardly showcasing my perfect mothering instincts. I’m suddenly appalled at my behaviour. I need breathing space. I can’t be around him for when I am, I can’t think - he consumes me.
My eyes begin to well, the burn of scalding hot expectant tears make me panic and I turn away from him and nudge my bottom lashes with a finger. Oh God no, not here - bloody hormones.
“Seb - I need to go home.”
He’s just clipped his seatbelt into place and indicated to set off and reacts to my words with an angry frown. “Is it Finn? Is everything OK?”
He’s so thoughtful. How do I tell him it’s him. I need to escape him. The one person I’m addicted to - the one person I can’t live without - the one person I need to share my news with but that it will change everything for.
“I just don’t feel great.”
“Really? You were fine just now?”
“I’m sorry. Will you just take me home.”
“Lu - tell me what’s the matter?”
I sigh. “Nothing.”
“Is that a nothing, which actually means something - you know one of those nothing’s that comes out in a argument months later and was monumental?”
God, for someone who didn’t do relationships he was good - then again he’d always been good with women.
“I’m just tired. You wore me out.” I fake a smile at him and try to relax.
I’m so ashamed at myself. I can’t tell him now.
He doesn’t answer but turns left onto the Motorway that will take us to Bodley.
I look at this beautiful man, knowing he is confused and waiting for my next move; his control slipping away by the second, along with his thinning patience. I love him so much but my head is in bits.
“Lu, is everything alright?”
“I just need to clear my head - can you allow me that? Give me tonight and then we’ll talk.” I’m suddenly drained; a combination of our earlier sexual exploits, the recent long-haul flight, straight back into work, the hospital drama and oh yes, being pregnant. My brain is swimming and all I want to do is climb into bed and sleep for an eternity.
He sighs in his seat next to me, his focus on the windscreen, then stares at me. “ Is that such a good idea - I mean you tend to complicate things when you have the time to dwell.”
WTF? Arrghhh!
He softens the blow, placing his sexy hand on my thigh and squeezes continuing, “I know you, baby, you forget. I know your quirky little ways.”
I place my hand over his and look right at him. “I need tonight.”
He nods. “Ok. I just worry that I’m losing you again. I can feel it. We’ve had this amazing break away together and now we’re home we’re back to square one.”
I frown; maybe he was right. I don’t want him to think I’m not invested in this; God nothing could be further from the truth - just the opposite in fact. I’m just terrified I’m going to move us forward at 100mph and we’re going to crash. “We’re fine, Seb. We do need to talk. Can we tomorrow? I’m just exhausted.”
“I’ll be here.”
His body language says pissed off and I’m saddened especially after what we’d shared at the cinema. Leaning over I kiss his generous mouth, and sit back looking into his eyes. “Surely what we shared tonight shows how in sync we are?”
“That’s sex, Lu - you and I have no fucking problem in the fucking department.”
Oh shit - he really is pissed.
“Ok. Night then. Love you.”
“Night.”
As I head to the house and let myself in, I feel his eyes on my back, then the second I close the door, the screech of his tyres as he pulls away is deafening - someone needed to cool off.
BOLLOCKS! That could have gone better. I hang my coat and head into the lounge to find Suzie watching the beginnings of the late stream of EastEnders. “You’re back early? Good night?”
“Yeah. Finn Ok?”
“Absolute diamond. Out for the count, little love.”
“Ah, thanks so much, babe. Do you want a cuppa?” Please say no. I just want to crawl under my duvet.
“Oh go on then. G said he’d come get me when you came home so I’ll text him now and you and I can have a quick catch up.”
We head down to the kitchen and I flick the kettle on and lean against the cooker, as she takes a seat, battling to balance on the stool.