“So, it says here you think it may be around 8 weeks since your last period?”
“Maybe 9?” I wince at my uncertainty and quickly justify my flakiness. “I have Endometriosis so they can be a little all over the place and last forever.”
She bobs her curls in understanding, smiling patiently. “There’s mention here of the morning after pill - when was that?”
“5 weeks, give or take.”
“Hmmm.”
She squirts some of the icy jelly onto my stomach and I flinch as its hits my skin, then watch as she grabs the scan tool, pressing it gently across me, smoothing the substance in as she goes in different directions. God, I need to pee.
“Well, you’ve certainly got a full bladder, well done you.” No shit sherlock!
My eyes are focused on her face, concentration prominent as she analyses the grey and black blobs, on the small screen to my right. I can hardly see it without twisting my neck uncomfortably but I know all scan images always remind me of moving pencil drawings; smudged and grainy - how they manage to figure out what is what, I don’t know.
After what seems an age of silence, she stops, places the wand back in its holder and passes me a paper towel to wipe my belly. Sheer panic grips me. This can’t be good.
“Right - I can’t see anything at the moment but that’s not to say there’s nothing there to see. You have a rather steep retroverted uterus and we may find it easier at this early stage to do a Transvaginal Ultrasound. So, if you can nip out and empty your bladder then come back in - Ok?”
I nod mutely at her. It’s always the case with me and my blasted body. I had the same issue with Finn and the delays were always concerning. The fear that had gripped me when I saw her face though; the thought that there perhaps wasn’t a baby, surprised me. I think I really want this, even though the timing is so off? I think I really want Seb’s baby.
I head out the door, past the waiting patients and around the corner, where I remember the toilets being last time. Thank God, they’re still here - any further and I’d need a clean up on aisle 4! I have the most rewarding wee, the pressure dissipating immediately and pain relinquishing from my bladder and then wash my hands. As I open the door, ready to face things head on, no matter the outcome, I hear my name called by a cheeky-chappy and in an exceedingly familiar accent.
“Lulu - what you doing here?”
“G?” Oh bollocks!
“Suzie’s just having some extra blood tests but you’ve missed the scan love - was over half an hour ago.”
Think, think woman. “Oh no, I was going to leave you two to enjoy that special moment together as man and wife G. No I’m here for a scan too - you know how I have women’s problems? Well it’s just my regular check up.”
There that should floor him.
As expected it has the desired effect and he looks uncomfortable. “Ahh, well good luck, Lu. I’ll tell Suze you were here. Shall we wait for you? Will you be long?”
“No don’t be daft I’ll be fine. Look I better go - they’re waiting for me back in the room - I had to pee halfway through - the joys of being a woman.” I lean over and kiss his stubbled cheek. “Is everything ok with the baby?”
“All good, Auntie Lulu.” He gives me the thumbs up and I grin back at him.
“Brilliant, such exciting times for you both. Give Suze my love and tell her I’ll call her tonight - and please thank her for dropping Finn at Crèche this morn.”
I don’t wait for an answer before dashing back to the safety of room 4, disappearing into darkness once again. That was far too close for comfort, but hopefully, he’d not realise that today was Maternity clinic on the Ultrasound Ward and that they were not doing gynaecological scans in this part of the hospital that day.
The Radiographer scans me, using the gigantic dildo shaped wand, complete with condom and yet more jelly and after telling me to relax, which is never going to happen, I do my best to do just that, so that she can get the best assessment. The minutes feel like hours, and I have to remind her that I only have one ovary when I see her puzzled expression, when reviewing that area for the notes - it was always the same, since I lost it during the birth of Finn. Finally, with a smile she pulls the screen towards me so I can see more clearly.
“Right, this is the gestational sac…”
I peruse the small teacup shaped blob bobbing about in the black hole inside my uterus and feel my chest grow tight and tears begin to well. She’d found him or her - they existed; had been hiding.
Our baby.
“I would say that you are 7 weeks and 3 days and from this scan we can calculate a due date for you. I take it you are pleased with the news.”