The Most Coveted Prize(28)

Alena nodded her head. Her heart was beating much more heavily now, as  though it had recognised something ominous in Kiryl's words.

She desperately wanted to know what he meant, but he was right-this was not the place to try and hold a private conversation.

Even when Kiryl had sent for their car, and they were installed in the back of it, he refused to say any more.

It was gone midnight when the car pulled up outside the apartment block,  but when Alena headed towards the entrance Kiryl caught hold of her  hand and shook his head, saying, "Let's walk. It will be easier for me  to say what I know has to be said that way.'

Easier for him? What on earth could he have to say to her that would be hard for him to tell her?

"Very well,' she agreed.

Kiryl had released her hand now, and she missed the warmth of his touch.  Without thinking about what she was doing, she moved closer to him-only  to have him move away as he started to walk in the direction of the  river, matching his pace to hers.

Here and there were a handful of pleasure boats on the Neva, and the  lights from vill as and parties being held on some of the islands were  flickering in the distance. One of those islands was the one where they  had stayed in winter. Why was she thinking about that now, when she knew  how vulnerable she was to those memories?

"I intend to speak to Vasilii about this tomorrow,' Kiryl told her. "But  I want you to know now that since I have decided not to go ahead with  the contract there is no longer any reason for us to marry. You don't  need to worry, Alena. I shal make it clear to Vasilii that nothing we  have shared will ever become known to anyone else. Vasilii can make it  known publicly that you were the one to end our engagement. From the way  in which men were looking at you tonight I know that I shal be much  pitied for losing such a beautiful and charming bride-to-be.'

Beyond them the Neva gleamed silver-blue beneath the pale sky, but for once Alena was oblivious to its beauty.

"You have turned down the contract because you don't want to marry me?' Alena guessed.

Oh, the agony and the shame of knowing how bereft she felt. How  humiliating it was to know that, against all good sense, a part of her  heart had been clinging to the hope that somehow-miraculously-their  marriage could bring them together.

Kiryl stopped walking to turn and look down into Alena's upturned face.

"I want to give you your freedom, Alena. Nothing I can do can make  amends for the hurt and the damage I've caused you, but at least I can  set you free from a marriage I know you don't want.'



"You turned down the contract for that  …  for me?' She couldn't believe that.

"I was angry when you said what you did in London. Angry with you and  then angry with myself. I took that anger out on you. But after you'd  gone I couldn't forget what you'd said-just as right from the first time  I kissed you I couldn't ignore the effect you had on me, no matter how  hard I tried to ignore and deny it. I told myself over and over again  that you meant nothing to me, and that the only reason I wanted anything  to do with you was because you would make it easier for me to reach my  goal. But a man can only lie to himself for so long.

"You were right to accuse me of choosing the wrong path when I set out  to prove that I could be more successful than my father, but wrong to  say that I didn't have a heart. I did have a heart-until my father  ripped it apart and threw the pieces after me into the gutter. I thought  I'd left it behind me there. I told myself that I was glad to leave it  there, because without it I could never be hurt again. Without it I  would never have to think about the pain of seeing the hurt in my  mother's eyes when she talked about my father. Without it I'd never  again have to suffer the shame of my Romany blood or the bitterness of  my father's rejection. There was no place in my life for a heart filled  with human emotions. That's what I told myself and that's what I  believed-until I met you. Somehow, without me being able to do anything  about it, you scooped up those discarded pieces of my heart and with  every touch you gave me, every kiss, every word and look of love, you  pieced it back together and gave it back to me again. Not that I was  grateful to you. I wasn't. In fact if I could I would have torn it out  again if I'd been able to. I didn't want your love. And I certainly  didn't want to love you back.'                       
       
           



       

If Kiryl had heard her indrawn breath of shaky disbelief as she listened  to what he was saying he was giving no sign of it, Alena recognised.

She wanted to speak but she couldn't. Her chest felt too tight, her emotions too overpowering for speech.

"I didn't deserve your love, Alena. I didn't value it and I didn't value  you. Because deep down inside I didn't value myself. I was still my  mother's child, no matter what I had achieved, and that meant that in my  father's eyes I would never be good enough. It took you to show me-

to teach me that being good enough meant turning my back on my father's  beliefs and reaching out instead towards my mother's gifts to me.

The gift of life, the gift of knowing that love matters more than  anything else, and the gift of knowing what really is strength and what  really is weakness. I thought the feelings I had for you that I couldn't  control were a weakness, but now I know that loving you would have  brought me true strength if I had realised in time how much strength  comes from being loved and giving love in return. I can't turn back the  clock, no matter how much I wish I could. I can't expect you to forgive  me and I don't. I can't bring back to life the love I killed. But what I  can do is set you free to find love with someone else-someone who will  recognise as I did not until it was too late just how lucky they are.  And I can also try to grow into the man you once thought I was. Tomorrow  I shal speak to Vasilii and tell him.'

"No.'

Alena's short, staccato delivery of rejection of his plans had Kiryl frowning slightly as he looked at her.

"Alena, it's all right,' he told her gently. "There is no need for you  to fear that Vasilii will try to force you to marry me. I won't let that  happen.'

"I'm not afraid of that. But I am afraid of spending the rest of my life  without you, Kiryl. I couldn't bear that. I thought I could, but even  when I thought that I couldn't possibly still love you I found out that I  did. At the house in London, when you  …  when we  …  You were right.'

Alena looked out across the river, not brave enough to look directly at  Kiryl as she made her admission. Her chest lifted as she breathed in, in  an attempt to calm herself. She failed as she exhaled unsteadily.

"When you said that you could make me want you, you were right. I knew I  did, but I hadn't realised quite how much, how desperately, until then,  until you held me. I'd told myself that it was just the you I'd created  inside my own head I wanted-not the real Kiryl. I was wrong. I felt so  ashamed of myself, so angry with myself, but it didn't matter how much I  wished I didn't love you-I knew that I did. If you really love me too,  and you're not just-Kiryl!'

Alena gasped breathlessly as instead of answering Kiryl simply took her  in his arms rather fiercely and kissed her, with a passion that showed  quite clearly exactly how he felt about her.

Of course one kiss wasn't enough. And since they weren't the only lovers  out walking in the milky light no one paid any attention to them as  they walked entwined in one another's arms, pausing to exchange loving  looks and even more loving kisses every few steps, until Alena whispered  tremulously, "I love you so much, Kiryl. So very, very much. I want you  to make love to me properly tonight. I want us to be together like we  were before. Only this time it will be even more special. I thought I  wanted you to be the man I had created inside my head, but now I know  that that man was simply a pale shadow of the wonderful person you  really are. Your mother would be so proud of you-and so am I.

Take me back to your hotel with you.'

He went so still that for a moment Alena thought she'd made a horrible  mistake and misunderstood him, that he didn't really love her after all.

But then he moved his head, and in the half-light she could see the sheen of emotion in his eyes.

"I've got a better idea,' he told her, his voice husky and slightly raw.

"Where are we going?' Alena asked, when he reached for his mobile and  gave instructions for them to be picked up by a limousine company.

His, "Wait and see,' was accompanied by a tender smile that drew a responsive surge of happiness from her own heart.

Half an hour later, speechless with delight, Alena had no need to ask  him where they were as they stood together outside the house where they  had stayed earlier in the year.

"But we can't just walk in,' Alena told him.

"Oh, but we can,' Kiryl assured her. "You see, I booked it for our  honeymoon. I told myself that as it would be expected that we honeymoon  somewhere it might as well be here, but of course it wasn't the  convenience of this place being so close to St Petersburg that was  really motivating me.'