She was standing right there, but she’d never been more distant. He’d put that remote look on her face. If he let her, she’d retreat completely. She had a whole world in her head. He’d watched her go inside, and he’d had to draw her out. If he played his cards wrong, she might stay there.
“Serena, I’m sorry about that scene.” The words sounded dumb coming out of his mouth. He was smooth, damn it. He always knew what to say, but now the words wouldn’t come.
She sighed, her mouth turning down. “I’m not. It’s better to know now.”
“Know what?” He wanted to reach out, but he doubted she would accept affection from him.
“That it wouldn’t work. It’s just a fantasy, Adam. It wouldn’t work because people don’t function like that.”
“Why the hell would you say that?”
She laughed a little, but there was no humor in it. “Empirical data, as my ex would say. The first time I get really close to Jacob, you flip out. I would always be in the middle, wouldn’t I? I would always be worried that I was paying too much attention to one and not enough to the other. It sounds like a dream, but I’m now realizing what a nightmare it could be.”
He leaned against the window, trying to force her to look him in the eyes. “You were right the first time, Serena. I screwed this up because I’m just as insecure as the rest of the world. I heard you talking to Jake, and I suddenly wondered what the hell I can offer you.”
“What are you talking about?”
She’d been so honest with him. It was time he paid her back. If this was going to work, she would have to know a few things about him. “I don’t know what I can offer you. I worry that if you fall for Jake, you won’t have any use for me.”
“It doesn’t work like that, Adam.”
How little she knew. “Now I’m going on empirical data. It does work like that. I should know because the minute I proved to be a nuisance, I lost my family. I was never quite enough for my father, you see. I wasn’t as strong as my oldest brother or as smart as my younger brother. And then I was useless. Serena, I don’t have a family any more. My father and my brothers no longer speak to me.”
She finally turned to him, concern written all over her face. She really needed a keeper. “Why?”
“Because I was given a general discharge from the Army. Do you understand what that means?”
“It means they found some reason to force you out, but you didn’t do anything criminal. Who did you sleep with that you shouldn’t have?”
“A woman who one of the commanding officers was crazy about. She was also a couple of ranks up from us. Me and Jake were Special Forces, but she was intelligence. She was more important, and she knew it. We were sleeping with her, but when we got caught, the charges were that we were sleeping with each other. Back then, don’t ask, don’t tell meant don’t get caught.”
Her jaw dropped open. “Your father thinks you’re gay? Well, why don’t you tell him the truth?”
Naïve little thing. “I tried, sweetheart. He was done with me the minute the story made the rounds. My family has a long and storied career of military service. A Miles has died in every war this country has fought since the War of 1812. He would rather I had taken a grenade to the gut in Afghanistan than get discharged. My brothers agree with him. They have their happy, vanilla lives, and they no longer acknowledge the pervert in the family.”
“What about your mom?”
He wasn’t sure his mom would have made a difference. He barely remembered her. She was a picture on a wall, a pretty woman who seemed so proud to be standing next to her officer husband. Would she have stood by him? He doubted it. “She died when I was five. Cancer. Dad remarried, but Justine didn’t want to have much to do with us kids. We were all sent to boarding school. I didn’t live at home after I was seven years old. I expected to have a long-term military career. Except I discovered I liked sharing. Apparently the Army isn’t hip to what’s hot in erotic romance.”
Her hands came up to cup his shoulders. “Adam, I’m so sorry to hear that.”
He took advantage. He pulled her in for a hug. He would take what he could get, and if her sympathy got his foot back in the door, he wouldn’t feel a moment’s remorse. “I never fit in, Serena. When I would go home, my dad would accuse me of being queer because I spent too much time on clothes or I liked to wear my hair longer than a buzz cut. Hell, the fact that I liked to read books made my father question my sexuality. Jake fit in better with my family than I did. I took him home with me on leave once and my dad asked why I couldn’t be more like Jake. I was a fucking commando and I wasn’t masculine enough for my dad. He accused me of ruining Jake.”