"Love will do that to you, Kincaid. Leave you broken and bleeding deep inside, where it never truly heals. For once in my life, I agree with Malloryn. It's not worth the risk, no matter how wonderful it feels at the time. It only breaks you, and especially in this line of work, leaves your friends vulnerable to the enemy."
"Ava believes it gives you strength in the darkest of moments."
"And that's why we love her. Because she reminds us of everything we've lost. That hope. Those dreams. But you're darkness, Kincaid. And so am I. And we're the type of people who ruin others. Don't do that to her."
"Truce?" he asked, releasing a shuddering breath. He felt like something had died a little inside him.
Gemma sighed. "Truce."
They stared at each other. He'd never liked her. Not the way he liked the others, despite their craving virus affliction. Gemma was too worldly, too guarded, too callous. She reminded him too much of himself, in some ways, and perhaps that was why they butted heads.
"I didn't mean to say what I said about Byrnes," she apologized.
It still ached within him. "It's the truth," he stated flatly. "For whatever reason, Ava cared for him. She entertained hope there was something between them. But maybe... maybe we could be there for each other. Just for a month or two. Before we end it."
* * *
"Why did you insist I partner with Ava?" The thought had been frustrating Kincaid lately.
Malloryn glanced up from the desk. "Do you really want to know?"
"I wouldn't have asked otherwise."
Malloryn put his pen down and leaned back in the chair. "When you first joined the company, you hated every single one of us for what we are. It surprised me to realize you'd mellowed enough to consider a friendship with Byrnes and Charlie, though your prejudices still show at times-"
"So you thought you'd partner me with the least predatory blue blood you know." He tasted disgust. "I hate being manipulated."
"I know."
But it was working. Kincaid crossed his arms, squeezing his fists. "She's a kitten compared to you. I get it. I do. Not all blue bloods are the same. Not all blue bloods are blood-thirsty monsters. Not even you." He paused. "Why do you do this? I understand you're interested in progress, but it seems as though you expend a great deal of energy for a cause not your own. One could almost say you're driven by it."
Those icy gray eyes met his. "It's not the sort of thing I speak of to anyone."
"Yet you demand everyone else spill their fuckin' secrets. No, you insist. How can you ask for the trust of your agents if you won't give it in return?"
A long silence. "There was a girl. Back when I was young and foolish, and I got her killed. And that is the extent of what I'm willing to share. Anything else?" Malloryn's voice encouraged him to move on.
A girl? Malloryn? The man with no heart?
But then, the same could have been said of him.
"Why did you invite me to join COR?" Another question that had been plaguing him. "I can't physically match you or the others. I'm cannon fodder when it comes to the dhampir. You've got Jack in the basement, building your devices, so you don't need a mech. I just don't understand what I … " bring to the group. "What you want from me."
"You came highly recommended. The Duchess of Casavian told me you'd fight me every step of the way, but you were cunning, ruthless, and ingenious. You think in ways I don't, and you know the mech world, the humanist cause." Malloryn leaned forward, elbows on his desk. "You represent a part of the population I need to be able to read and reach out to."
"So it was all political?"
"Partly. I think you sell yourself short. You're a fighter, and you don't flinch in the face of danger-"
"I'm still the most likely to get my throat torn out."
Malloryn's gaze shuttered. "Your physical limitations bother you."
It cut right to the core of him. Was that why he'd been questioning his value so often this past month? Malloryn couldn't know of the iceberg he touched upon-or he'd better bloody not-but maybe there was something to that train of thought?
"And?" he asked icily.
"Why don't you do something about it?" Malloryn suggested, leaning back again as if to dismiss the conversation. "Stop thinking about your weaknesses, Kincaid, and start thinking about your strengths and what you can bring to this team. Specifically that thing in the basement you've been playing with over the last month."