“You don’t like it anymore?” she said sadly, her eyes filling with silent tears.
“It’s fine. I’ll eat it,” I muttered as I picked up the fork and began pushing the food around.
“You were so little when I left. You grew up so handsomely,” she started.
“Why didn’t you take me with you?” I blurted out.
“Daimon, I- I’m a pitiful person, not worthy to be your mother.” Her words were laced with self-loathing.
“You’re my mother. I needed you. I still need you,” I said pained, my heart shattering. Fuck me, I was eighteen acting like a little kid.
“Daimon…”
“Why can’t you stop fucking drinking? Why can’t you just be my mother and look after me?” I berated her. I looked up to see her face serene, like she was accepting my bitter words.
“Daimon, there is one thing in my life that I did right and that was giving birth to you…” She hesitated but finally smiled softly. “When I was filled with sadness, you made me smile. When your father would hurt me, you would mend my heart, and when all those around us would whisper behind my back, your laughter drowned them out. Daimon, you are my greatest and proudest accomplishment. But I am weak, a broken person, unworthy of such a wonderful son like you, because Daimon, no matter how much you were there for me, I could not be there for you. I could not stop the hurt inside. I’m sorry, honey. I’m sorry. Daimon. I’m so sorry. ” She cried as she smiled, trying to seem strong, when all the fucking while she was falling into a million fucking pieces.
“So I wasn’t enough?” I started to cry, ignoring the tears trickling out of my eyes.
“No, Daimon, it was me who wasn’t enough. To me, you were all I had. All I’ve ever had. I was starting to be a burden to you. How could I do that to my precious son?” she asked, wiping her tears.
“Stop drinking,” I said forcefully, but all she did was smile serenely, watching me through her unshed tears. “I need to go.” I stood up quickly, my anger beyond anything I ever felt before.
“I’ll be here whenever you want to see me.” She sat still, looking down to her shaky hands. She wanted a drink. I could see it.
I ran out of there unable to stand the sight of her. I headed to the elevator and punching the down arrow. I held onto to the wall, bracing myself. I tried fighting it, the ache I felt. I walked backward hitting the wall behind me. Sliding down, silently crying, I felt like I had lost her completely. She was no longer this vibrant, soulful person. She was lost, gone, no longer the mother I had dreams of since the day she left.
I sat on my motorcycle with my arms crossed. I hadn’t seen Addie since graduation. I guessed she had left for Yale. I had no idea why I went there, but I wanted to tell her I had seen my mother, but then again, she didn’t know anything about me. I wanted to tell her everything. I wanted her to make it all better somehow. My mother, I had finally seen her after searching for her. My father wouldn’t tell me a fucking thing about my mother. I just hated the way he spoke about her. I hated the very words he used to describe her, as though she was nothing but a disgusting human. Addie was no longer here. She was no longer mine to control.
Once I arrived home, I stayed clear of the step-mommy and my asshole father. I entered my room ready to play my violin. I opened the case...the fucker had broken it. I collapsed onto my desk chair looking around at my luggage. I was leaving tomorrow, and I was never going to look back.
Harvard
“Come on, Evans, wake the fuck up!” Rafe hit the back of my head with his textbook. I stirred a little and then slowly stretched out in my seat. I hated economics, but Harvard’s social scene was far more exciting. “Spent another night with Lisa, did ya?” Rafe laughed as he looked at me.
I thought back to my night with Lisa. She was a tall blonde, Bond girl. Lisa was smart too, but nothing like Addie. I grew irritated with myself; it had been three years since I last saw her. I couldn’t forget her no matter how many I fucked. Lisa was the most recent. I stretched out my arms over my head and smiled wickedly as I remembered fucking her and making her moan.
“That good?” Rafe asked, wagging his eyebrows.
“Fucking right,” I answered.
“Daimon?” Lisa called after me as I left my class with Rafe.
“I see Lisa is waiting for you. I guess I’ll get going.” Rafe laughed at me. He knew I hated clingy girls, and as much as I liked Lisa, I hated her clingy ways.
“Hey, baby, how was class?” she asked, smiling at me brightly.
“Like usual,” I said as she took my hand and started walking with me down the halls of the university. She loved the feeling of being with me; I could see it on her face as we walked hand in hand across campus. She felt proud being my girl. Thing was, she was my girl of the moment.