Elijah looked angry. His hands were curled into fists on the table, and it was as if he didn’t realize it until I noticed it. He tucked them into his lap underneath the tablecloth, like that would erase the fact that it had happened at all. Like hiding his anger would mean that it wasn’t there.
“Don’t be mad at me,” I said. My voice didn’t sound as demanding as I’d meant for it to. It was thin, and in a way I sounded scared. “I just want to know what’s been going on. I want to know what’s happened so I don’t have to keep feeling like I walked in at the end of someone’s conversation. Someone’s got to tell me.”
“Why?” he asked, and his voice was louder. Harsher. Some of the people at the tables around us glanced up, and I squirmed in my seat. I hated it when he made a public scene.
Again I couldn’t think of once he’d done that.
“Because I want to know. Don’t you think it’s fair to tell me what’s been going on in my own life? These are things I witnessed, Elijah. Events I was present at. The least you can do is listen to me.”
“No, Grace,” he said, and I realized I really didn’t like him using my name. Not like that. He only used it when he was angry, and then it felt like he was reprimanding me, like he was disappointed in me. “The least I can do is move on from this the best I can. Do you think this is easy for me? Do you think it’s easy for any of us? You have made all these choices that you suddenly don’t remember, and I’m supposed to pick up the pieces?” His voice was rising. By the time he reached the end of his sentence he was all but yelling.
“This is bullshit!” he exclaimed and this time he really did shout.
“Please, Elijah,” I said and I put both my hands on his arm. They were rock hard, the muscle beneath the skin was solid. Anger ran like a thick cord down his neck and into his shoulders, and he refused to look at me.
“I’m sorry,” I finally said. I wasn’t sorry, but that was one way to defuse him. I knew it was. And it worked. He relaxed. I could feel him ease off underneath my fingertips.
“You’re not the only one that’s dealing with this,” he said. “For all you know we could be married, and you’re pining after someone else.”
A tight fist of panic grabbed a hold of my gut and twisted hard.
“We’re married?” I asked. Elijah sighed and shook his head.
“No, we’re not married.”
I let go of the breath I hadn’t known I’d been holding. “Why the hell would you say that, then?”
He looked at me and there was no light in his eyes, no affection. They were emotionless. Soulless. It was like staring at a blank wall. It scared me, so I looked away.
“I just want you to know that this isn’t easy. I want you to understand. I love you, and you keep calling for Justin. His name is on your lips. Even now, it’s easier for you to say.”
I didn’t have anything to say to that. It was true. Justin was the one I wanted. He was the one I ached for. He was the one I missed. But Elijah couldn’t blame me.
“It’s the last thing I remember,” I said. “Maybe in time I’ll remember, and then it won’t be so hard anymore. Then I’ll feel about you the way I did before.”
Elijah’s face changed. He went through emotions so quickly it was hard for me to keep up. He was suddenly soft and gentle, caring. He took my hand and raised it to his lips.
“I’m sorry, too,” he said. I couldn’t remember him ever apologizing. It made me suspicious, and the moment I questioned his trust I scolded myself for it. I had to find something to hold onto if I didn’t want to lose my mind. And Elijah was right in front of me, offering me what any girl would want.
“This is just hard for me too,” Elijah kept talking when he finally drew his lips away from my knuckles. “You just take your time. We’ll start from the beginning, and if you never remember we’ll make it work.” The corners of his mouth curled up in a small smile that made him look almost boyish. His eyes were light and smiling again, and he would look almost innocent if it wasn’t for that scar.
I still didn’t know what had happened, how he’d gotten it. He hadn’t ever told me that, not even during the time that I could actually remember.
“I wish I could just access all of it. It feels like it’s on the tip of my tongue, I’m just about to grasp it, and then it slips away again. It’s like trying to remember a dream.”
“You know what, maybe starting over is good,” he said. I nodded and the waitress brought our drinks. We watched her unload her tray in silence. It was nice of Elijah to be this understanding about it, but something didn’t make sense. Something kept gnawing at the back of my mind. I wrote it off as one of those things I just couldn’t remember.
After he got the bill, he laced his fingers through mine and we walked down the street. There were dark clouds hanging in the sky and the humidity pressed down on us, laying over Fort Atkinson like a blanket. It was like the heat was trying to hold onto itself no matter what, knowing that the rain would drive it away.
Elijah stopped after we’d walked a while and turned to look at me.
“I just want you to know that whatever happens from here on forward, we’ll make it work. I’ll do whatever it takes, okay?”
I nodded, and the first drops plopped down around us. They fell in oblong shapes on the pavement, and splashed on my cheeks and arms. Elijah stepped closer to me, and pressed his lips against mine. And it was familiar and warm, and it felt a little bit like home.
More like home than anything else had felt since I’d woken up. Well, anything else besides Justin. But I forced that thought out of my mind. I couldn’t keep running back to a man that I’d chosen not to see anymore.
The kiss was long and lingering, sweet. When he finally broke the kiss he smiled at me, and we turned and walked back to the car.
“I have to swing by the office and do chaos control on a meeting that’s gotten a little out of hand,” he said.
“You don’t want me to come with you?” I asked. “I have to go back at some point.” But he shook his head.
“I’m going to drop you at the house. You look like you’re exhausted.” And he was right. I felt like I was going to fall over. We drove home in silence, but it was a comfortable silence, unlike what it had been until now. I felt good. I felt like maybe I was going to figure it out after all.
It wasn’t until he’d driven away and his tail lights had disappeared through the gate that I grasped what had been floating around the back of my mind.
Elijah had said that maybe it was good if I never remembered. That meant that I wouldn’t remember I’d chosen him. That didn’t make sense to me. Why would he say that, if all I had left without my memories of the last six months was the love for another man?
Chapter 12 - Elijah
If there’s one thing I realized, it was that focusing on work when the drive of my existence was at home was hard. Since Grace had arrived at Magna Solutions, going to work had been something to look forward to. She made the office a lighter place, and everyone loved her. It was easy to love her. She got along with everyone, and it didn’t matter what went wrong, she could talk people into making it right again.
Part of it was the fact that she was a damn good lawyer. There was a reason I’d requested her in the first place. But part of it was because it was just who she was.
After the accident she was different. The doctor had warned me. He’d said that she would suffer from mood swings and confusion, that she might have personality changes. And he’d been right.
But he hadn’t warned me that it might take away the woman she’d always been. It was like the light in her had died. The glow that she’d always had, had somehow faded.
I phoned Doctor Stein at the hospital.
“It’s Elijah Wilson,” I said when he answered his phone.
“How can I help you?” he asked, his voice monotone, standard, the way he used it with everyone.
“I want to talk to you about Grace Davis,” I said. “The amnesia patient.”
“Yes, what can I do for you?” His whole attitude toward me had changed. It was because it was about Grace. Everyone reacted that way to her. Everyone wanted to take care of her, make sure that she was safe and taken care of.
Everyone. That included Justin. I pushed it out of my mind.
“You warned me that there might be changes in her character after the accident, that she might need a lot of time to figure things out. I get that. It was quite an accident for this to happen. Wasn’t it?”
The doctor had been quiet, listening, and I wasn’t sure I was on the right track.
“Very severe,” he answered.
“I can’t help but feeling like I’m missing something important. You and the nurses assured me that she’ll be alright, that other than the memory loss she’s not sick.”
“When I consulted with her last she was in perfect health other than the minor bruises, and of course, the concussion and memory loss.”