“Then why didn’t you answer your phone when I called you last night?”
“I was just giving you some space.”
We perch on her front steps sharing my cup of coffee. “I’ve been wrestling with something for a long time and I think I’ve finally started to get some clarity.”
She doesn’t answer, waiting for me to continue. “Esmé helped me with that. I think, we both needed the same answers and the only way we could get them was together.”
“And did you get your answers?”
“I think I did. I’m not really sure what to believe. But I feel like I finally know enough to start putting her to rest.”
“Good, Dana. I’m happy for you,” she says, softly.
Leaning my head against her shoulder, I sigh. “Esmé was just part of that. What happened when we went into the corners of my mind or wherever we went was traumatic and strange and scary and what happened after just kind of followed from that.”
She puts her hand on my forearm and kisses me on the forehead. “Dana, as I said, you really don’t owe me any explanations.”
“I feel like I do, though. I want you to understand.”
“I do understand. I honestly do.”
“Good.” I put the coffee mug on the step next to me so I can take one of her hands in both of mine. “It’s just, I’ve been thinking that living with the memory of Fran has been holding me back from being able to truly love. And now that I’m past it, I can move on.”
“Dana...”
Interrupting her, I squeeze her hand. “Wait. Hear me out. We’d be so perfect together in so many ways. And I love you. I want to be with you. I want us to be together. As lovers.”
“Dana.”
“Really. I know I seem like an asshole because I slept with another woman the night before last and here I am. But I’m not asking you to have sex with me. Let’s just start off with dating and see what happens. We can take it slow and let it build.”
“Dana, it isn’t...”
“And I know you’re probably worried about the difference in our ages, but that doesn’t matter to me. We’re both in great shape and we love a lot of the same activities.”
“That’s absolutely true.”
“And yes, we’re friends, but isn’t that the best way to start a relationship?”
“It is, however,”
“And I love you. You’re beautiful. You are such an amazing woman. I can imagine holding you and dancing with you and loving you.”
“Dana.”
“And we kiss so beautifully together.”
She holds her hand against my mouth. “Dana,” she says. “Will you just listen to me?”
I mumble something against her hand. She removes it and smiles. “Yes?”
“I said I’ll be quiet for a minute.”
“You are a wonderful woman and I love you dearly.”
“Well then.”
She smiles. “I don’t love you like that.”
Deflated, I pull back, leaning my back against the porch railing. “You don’t?”
“I don’t. I’m sorry, Dana. I think you’re a wonderful woman and I care about you so much. But I don’t want to be your girlfriend.”
Stung, I stare down at our joined hands, thinking about it. Finally, I look up at her and grin.
“How could anyone not want to be with me?”
She laughs. “It’s a struggle.”
“Do you think there’s a chance you’ll change your mind?”
She leans over to kiss me on the cheek. “You’re sweet and you’re very precious to me.”
“So I’m guessing that means no.”
“I can’t foresee it changing.”
Sighing again, I mime shooting myself in the head. “I guess I’m destined to be alone.”
“You need to be alone. You’ve only just begun the process of letting go of the past. Now you need to figure out who you are in the present before you can look to the future.”
“Deep.”
“I amaze even myself sometimes,” she says, smiling.
“Are we still going to walk together?
She stands and offers me a hand. “Of course.”
“What about the Club?”
Grinning, she shakes her head. “I’ll continue to hang out with you and Sam, but I don’t want to continue calling ourselves The Love Sucks Club.”
“I don’t know what I’ll tell Olivia.”
“Tell her that love doesn’t suck nearly as much as you and Sam have implied.”
I don’t know whether to be embarrassed about my outpouring or not. Looking at Roxanne’s smile, I’m guessing not. I lean in to kiss her on the cheek again. “All right, I’ve got important things to do.”