“None of this has anything to do with the fact that she is now trespassing on my property.”
“In a tent.”
“Yes.”
“Have you asked her why she’s there?”
“I know why she’s here.”
“Ma’am, give me your address and I’ll send a squad car.”
“Today?”
“Your address, ma’am.”
Sighing, I give her my address and hang up. Sam is already laughing before I hang up the phone. “How long do you think it will take for the cops to get here?”
“Considering we called them when the Grill was being held up at gunpoint and they didn’t show up until six hours later, I’m guessing never.”
Roxanne shakes her head. “I called once when I overhead my neighbors having a violent argument. I was put on hold and then promised a squad car. No one ever showed up. I called the next day to ask about it and the lady on the phone said she had no record of me calling.”
“Of course not,” Sam scoffed. “If it doesn’t directly involve their friends or family, they don’t bother. And why would they? It’s not like there’s ever any recourse.”
“So what do I do?”
Roxanne pats my shoulder. “I think we should talk to her.”
Sam claps her hands together and jumps off the counter. “Yeah, so do I.”
“Sam.” Roxanne gives her a warning look. “Let’s agree to be civil.”
“I’m always civil.”
“Please.” Roxanne rolls her eyes, but gives Sam a one armed hug. “Let’s just hear her out if nothing else.”
I don’t know if I want to do this, but if I can’t do it with Roxanne and Sam around me, I can’t ever do it. I’m pretty sure Sam could take my ex in a fair fight, if it comes to that. I just don’t want it to come to that. I want her to be out of my life without any hassle. Maybe in the end that’s all I want out of life. I just want to be left alone. Nodding to my friends, I unlock the door and step out into the sunshine. The beauty of the day again belies the surreal events taking place in my life. If Fran were here, I think she’d be laughing her ass off. Then again, if Fran had never died, I would never have started dating Voldemort. Speaking of which, she’s no longer outside of my house. The tent is still there, but everything is neatly packed and her vehicle is gone.
Sam peeks into the tent and glances around. “Her clothes are here.” She glances up at the tarp strung up above the tent. “She has a good setup here. It’s a good tent and the tarp should help protect her from a moderate rain.”
“How joyous,” I intone. “I’d hate for her to be inconvenienced.”
Roxanne puts her arm around my shoulders. “I think either Sam or myself should stay here at all times until she’s gone.”
Sam flexes her biceps. “No offense, Roxy, but this is going to take a butch.”
Rolling her eyes again, Roxanne grins at Sam. “And I think it’s going to take a diplomacy that you both lack.”
We all pause at the sound of an engine coming up the driveway. Sam raises her eyebrow and steps slightly in front of me. When the vehicle crests the hills and comes into sight from the tree line, we all breathe a sigh of relief.
“I should have recognized that jeep whine,” I grin as Susannah pulls up to the door. She looks at the tent as she gets out of her jeep.
“Are you having a camp out?”
“It’s a long story,” Sam says. “Let’s go back inside and we’ll fill you in.”
Roxanne nods. “We can leave the door open and we’ll hear her engine when she comes back.”
“When who comes back?” Susannah looks from one face to the next.
I usher her inside and we all perch around the kitchen again. Roxanne pours coffee and hands Sam a beer.
Sam and Roxanne fill Susannah in on the latest happenings while I pace around my kitchen, irritated. I will not be held prisoner in my own home. If the cops don’t show up to take care of my trespasser, I’m going to have to take care of her myself.
Roxanne gets to the part where my ex asked for a shower and Susannah laughs. “Man, she is nothing if not ballsy.”
“Oh, yes, she’s certainly that.” Glaring at my sister, I stalk into my bedroom and rummage in the closet until I find a baseball bat. Roxanne intercepts me as I come back into the kitchen and head for the door.
“Dana, come on. What are you going to do? Beat her tent to death?”
Aware that I’m losing it, and unable to stop myself, I raise my voice. “I don’t know what I’m going to do! I really have no fucking idea what I’m going to do. I’m trying to figure it out and it isn’t easy with the three of you sitting here gossiping about my life like a bunch of bitches at a tea party.”