He reached out for his beer and took a sip before resting it on the couch beside her. She could feel the chill from the bottle near her thigh. “At the time, I was just surprised you were talking to me at all.”
“Why would you be surprised?”
He kissed her hair. “Do you really have to ask? You’re perfect.”
“I’m not perfect,” she protested. “I’m far from it.” She swirled the wine in her jar. “Just ask Brian.”
“What happened with him had nothing to do with you.”
“Maybe not,” she said. “But…”
Luke said nothing, allowing her time to consider what she was going to say. She turned, looking directly at him.
“I told you that last spring I was a wreck, right? And that I lost a lot of weight because I couldn’t eat?”
“You told me.”
“All that’s true. But I didn’t tell you that for a while there, I also thought about suicide. It wasn’t like I came close to actually doing anything about it; it was more like a concept, something that I latched on to, to feel better. I’d wake up and not care about anything and not be able to eat, and then I’d think that there was one sure way to stop the pain and that was to end it all. Even then, I knew it was crazy, and like I said, I never really thought I’d go through with it. But just knowing that the option was there made me feel like I still had some kind of control. And at the time, that’s what I needed more than anything. To think that I was in control. And little by little, I was able to pull myself together. That’s why, the next time Brian cheated on me, I was able to walk away.” She closed her eyes, the memory of those days passing like a shadow over her face. “You’re probably thinking you’ve made a big mistake right about now.”
“Not at all,” he said.
“Even if I’m crazy?”
“You’re not crazy. You said yourself you never really considered going through with it.”
“But why would I latch on to the idea? Why would I even think about it at all?”
“Do you still think about it?”
“Never,” she said. “Not since last spring.”
“Then I wouldn’t worry too much. You’re not the first person in the world to think about it. It’s a big leap from thinking to considering, and an even bigger leap to attempting.”
She weighed the comment, recognizing his point. “You’re being too logical about the whole thing.”
“That’s probably because I have no idea what I’m talking about.”
She squeezed his arm. “No one knows any of this, by the way. Not my mom or dad, or even Marcia.”
“I won’t tell,” he said. “But if it happens again, you might consider talking to someone a whole lot smarter than I am. Someone who would know what to tell you, maybe help you navigate the whole thing.”
“I plan on it. But hopefully it won’t happen again.”
They sat in silence, his body warm against hers. “I still think you’re perfect,” he offered, making her laugh.
“You’re a sweet talker,” she teased. She tilted her head up, kissing him on the cheek. “But can I ask you something?”
“Anything,” he answered.
“You said that your mom wanted to double the size of the herd and when I asked why, you said she didn’t have a choice. What does that mean?”
He traced a finger along the back of her hand. “It’s a long story.”
“That again? Then answer me this: Does it have anything to do with Big Ugly Critter?”
She felt his muscles tighten involuntarily, if only for an instant. “Why would you say that?”
“Call it a hunch,” she said. “You never finished that story either, so I just assumed they might be related.” She hesitated. “I’m right, aren’t I?”
She felt him take a long breath and then release it slowly. “I thought I knew his tendencies,” Luke began, “and I did – at first. Halfway through the ride, I made a mistake. I leaned too far forward just as Big Ugly Critter threw his head back and I was knocked unconscious. When I toppled off, Big Ugly Critter ended up dragging me around the arena. He dislocated my shoulder, but that wasn’t the worst of it.” Luke scratched at the stubble on his cheek, then continued, his voice matter-of-fact, almost distant. “As I lay there in the dirt, the bull came back at me. It was pretty bad. I ended up in the ICU for a while… but the doctors did amazing work and I got lucky. After I woke up, I recovered a lot faster than they thought I would. But I still had to stay in the hospital for a long time, and then there were months of rehab. And my mom…”