My words registered, and his hands dropped to his sides. His body hummed with anger.
“It’s not fair,” his voice cracked. “It’s not fucking fair!”
He turned, and flung my shower door open so hard it cracked. I stood motionless, watching him wrap a towel around his waist, and waited until he was gone before I broke down. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. It was never part of the plan. Did I know it would end? Yes. Did I think walking away would be so hard, and hurt as badly as it did? Never.
I slid down the shower wall, the water pelting my skin from every direction. My cries were muffled by the water, and I allowed myself the release, if only just this once. My heart had to let go. It was my only option. I couldn’t risk more with Dane, even if there was a way, because I wouldn’t survive him. I was barely surviving him now.
I wasn’t sure how long I sat on the cold floor, and wept. The water had turned cold a while ago, but I didn’t want to leave the safety of the shower and face what was waiting for me outside.
The shower door opened, and the water stopped. I felt two arms wrap around my body, and lift me up. I was soaked, but Dane didn’t seem to mind it as he carried me towards my bed. I only opened my eyes when he laid me down on my bed, and slipped his earphones into my ears. He said nothing, but the song that started playing was telling me what he couldn’t. Ellie Goulding’s voice started playing through the earphones, and I knew the song well. ‘Be Mine’ was so perfect for this moment. It was our goodbye.
Dane switched off my bedroom light, and left my curtains open. The moonlight bathed his body, and my eyes tracked his movement until he was crawling over me. I parted my thighs, sighing when Dane rested his entire body on mine. His hands touched me everywhere, tracing my curves, committing the feel of my skin to memory. Our eyes clashed, and our mouths connected in an unhurried brush before our tongues collided. Our bodies moved, and his hips lifted so that he could slide into me. I felt, rather than heard, him exhale, his warm breath touching the skin along my neck. My arms curved around his shoulders, and I rolled my hips, taking all of him until every part of us was touching. His movements were slow, controlled, and he raised his head so that he could look at me. The song on his iPod stopped, and I removed the earphones so that I could hear nothing but us, our heavy breathing, the sheets rustling.
Dane pressed soft kisses against my mouth as he pushed in, and out, in and out. Of all the times we’d had sex this hurt the most, only because it wasn’t just sex. He was making love to me, cherishing me, showing me what he felt. It was so intense, so raw, and so beautiful that my eyes welled up again. Nothing would ever feel so perfectly imperfect ever again, no one would ever come close to knowing me the way he did.
He cupped my butt with one hand, and entwined the other with mine next to my head. He pulled back, and then entered me so deeply that I opened my mouth with a silent gasp. I was close to that precipice of euphoria, but I didn’t want it to end too soon, so I squeezed him in an attempt to slow him down. He wouldn’t have it though. His thrusts continued at the same slow, torturous pace, hitting me deep every time. I arched my neck when the first tremor hit my body, and prayed that it wouldn’t end just yet.
Dane grunted, resting his sweat-damp forehead against mine, and I caught the lone tear that traveled down to his lips with my mouth. He was breaking, and so was I, but this moment was still unbroken, and I would keep it close to me.
The words ‘I love you’ were on the tip of my tongue, but Dane swallowed them with a gentle caress of his tongue. Maybe he already knew I loved him, maybe saying it out loud was unnecessary. Our bodies said it all, at every point where our bodies connected, where his skin rubbed against mine, where his eyes touched my face, where his heart raced in time with mine. He was reaching into me in every way, and taking ahold of my heart, and my soul, and taking a piece of both.
With one final, shaky thrust we came together, our mouths falling open as we trembled wordlessly, his tears mixing with mine. That was the moment I gave myself to Dane, every single part, and accepted that I would always be his.
We stayed like that until I shivered from the coldness that had fallen over us. Dane lifted me, and moved the duvet so that he could cover us. Our silence was telling, neither of us feeling the need to spoil anything with useless words, and we stayed awake, staring at each other until his alarm went off the following morning. He pressed me close, kissed me like it was the last time he was ever going to touch me, and then left.
It was the worst goodbye I’d ever had, and I cried into my pillow until I was all out of tears. It was over.