He’d turned my life into a nightmare growing up, with his cruel jokes, and heartless pranks, but three weeks ago he barged into my private world, unannounced and uninvited, and rocked it on its axis. Only this time, it felt like he’d righted it somehow. He’d carved himself a secret spot, and the thought of someone else taking it over made me sick to think about.
Our past didn’t matter to me, but it did to him, and although I could look past the things standing in our way, there were things Dane didn’t know that could possibly ruin the time he’d given me. He’d end up hating me all over again, and that would be worse after I knew what loving him felt like.
I would hold on to today as long as I lived, because he’d unknowingly given me the most unspoiled memory. It would become the ideal for which I strived, and I’ll come short every time because the man that comes next won’t be able to replicate what would become my dream.
I was in so deep, with no way out, and I knew that when I walked away, when Dane walked away, I would be left to wade in the depths of my feelings for him alone. No one would be there to save me, to tell me to snap out of it, and I’d go back to relying on myself as if Dane had never existed. But in my heart, in my soul, in my very being, I would know he was real, and that he happened to me. Would that be enough? Would I be able to walk away and find something or someone to fill his place? Doubtful, but I had no choice but to try because he wasn’t a permanent fixture, and his abrupt departure was looming on the other side of the upcoming sunrise.
My shower door opened behind me, and the sudden gush of cold air made me gasp. Dane stood there, naked, his face impassive but his eyes hot. His body was tensed, but he moved slowly, shutting the door behind him, and coming to stand behind me. We were enveloped by glass and steam, and Dane was everywhere. He took up all the space, all the air, and I sucked in a breath when his chest hit my back, and his hands roamed my waist. I couldn’t bring myself to look at him just yet, not until I could get a grip on the tumultuous mood I was in. My head was swimming, and I didn’t want Dane to see me so vulnerable, and so emotionally… bruised.
“Look at me,” he said, his voice muted by the thick steam, and running water.
I shook my head, and hoped he’d leave me be just a little longer. I wasn’t ready to look into his eyes, and see my own feelings reflected back.
“Dammit, Kennedy. This radio silence is deafening,” he snapped angrily. What did he want from me? I wasn’t prepared to lay all my cards on the table, at least not now. Telling him I thought I loved him wouldn’t change the inevitable.
“I can’t do this right now,” I said.
He spun me around, bringing us chest-to-chest. “Can’t do what? Talk to me? Tell me what’s going on in that head of yours? Because the way I see it, now is all we have.”
I finally swallowed my pride, and looked up. “You want something I can’t give you, Dane. We’ve had a few amazing weeks together, but they’re over now. Tomorrow we’ll go back to how things were before, we have to.”
“No! They won’t go back to how they were. It’s different now, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to move on from this.”
I closed my eyes, and felt the first tear fall down my cheek. His words were hurting me because they were true. There was a fine line between love and hate, so fine that you didn’t know you’d lost balance until it was too late. I wasn’t sure exactly when I’d lost my balance, all I knew was that he was to blame.
“You have to, Dane. We both have to.”
He gripped my arms, and his blue eyes blazed concealed fury. But who was he angry with? Me? Himself? Destiny?
“I won’t accept that, not for one second. Tell me you want me, and we’ll face the rest together, just you and me.”
My chest constricted, and the thin rope that had been keeping me held together, unraveled. He knew as well as I did that walking away was for the better. We could never be more. Our history made sure of that.
“I can’t,” I whispered. “You know it’s better this way, for both of us. Don’t make it harder. Don’t do that to us. Please.”
He stared at me for a long moment, minutes passing like we had an endless amount of time. His eyes grew wet, and I wanted to comfort him, take him in my arms and tell him I loved him, and that we could face anything and everything together, side-by-side. But I couldn’t.
“It shouldn’t be this way.” His voice trembled, and more tears fell.
“I didn’t plan on falling for you,” I sobbed. “But you barged into my world, and filled it with color. You made it so easy to forget how our story started, and I forgave you, but it’s not that simple. We can’t undo the past, and neither of us are willing to let it go so that we can have a chance.”