The Lighthouse Road(93)

Her words felt like a punch, but he'd been sure of the boy's name for months. "We'll call him Harald Einar Eide."



Doctor Crumb said, "He'll live up to his stature with a name like that."



"I hope so," Odd said.



Odd walked the boy to the window. It was late afternoon and the summer sky was squally. Odd knew surely there was a thunderstorm up there, might have been able to say the exact hour at which it would begin to rain. He whispered to the boy, "Look up there, son. You see? That's a thunderhead. Means rain."



Together they stood at the window looking at the weather. Odd pictured his own mother, recalling that photograph on the windowsill in the brownstone. The picture of him in his mother's arms. He saw that beatific look in her eyes and knew the same look came now from him. From his good and his bad eye both. After a few minutes Odd returned to Rebekah's bedside and looked down on her with all the courage he had to spare.





Five days later Rebekah and little Harald came home from the hospital. It was a hot and low-down day, the first heavy weather of summer. The humidity stuck for a week, and whether it was because of the atmosphere or Rebekah's disposition, the first few days of having the baby home were some of the unhappiest of Odd's life. The only sounds that made their way around the flat were the hungry yowls of the boy and Rebekah's sullen sighs. She seemed to have a complaint for everything. Her sincerest and most regular grievance came whenever it was time for the boy to eat. Her breasts were sore and engorged, her nipples cracked, and Harry, unnaturally big as he was, demanded regular suck.

The looks she cast on that boy. His hunger, his fear and vulnerability, all of it like a badge he wore. And still she looked at him as though he were a cancer. He'd spit her nipple, grab at her breast, wail. And Rebekah with that poisonous and unforgiving stare would scold him. Odd wanted to help, would have done anything, but was always in the way, making Rebekah more agitated.



On the occasions Rebekah could slake the boy's hunger, he'd fall into a heavy infant slumber. Rebekah would call Odd, hand Harry to him, and lie down on the davenport, shielding her eyes from everything with her arm.



"My breasts feel like they're going to catch right on fire," she said one June evening after Harry had eaten and was sleeping in his papa's arms.



"I sure am sorry, Rebekah."



She looked up at him from under her arm. "What are you sorry for?"



" Sorry you're not feeling well. Sorry you're so tired. All that stuff."



"All that stuff . . ."



Odd had walked Harry to the window. Together they stood looking at the Norway pines on the side of the house.



"It was so easy for your mother. When you were a baby. To feed you. You latched right on and ate like there was no tomorrow." She might have groaned, Odd couldn't tell. "I can't stop thinking what a twisted-up thing this is."



"Haven't we about covered that?" Odd asked from the window, not even turning to look at her.



"Oh, sure, we've covered it. Or you have. Mister Everything Will Be All Right. Mister We Don't Need No One. You've covered it, all right."



"What the hell do you want me to say, Rebekah? What in fuck's name is going to get the sulk out of you?"



She didn't say anything, only lay there on the davenport with her arm over her eyes. Odd and Harry still stood at the window, Odd whispering to Harry an account of a gray squirrel husking a pinecone on the bough of a tree.



"That first day her milk came in, and you ate and then filled your diaper and slept for six straight hours, she held you the whole time. She always held you. Sang those fool songs." Her words trailed off. Odd turned to look at her.



"I want to understand, Rebekah. I do. But I don't see your unhappiness. It doesn't make sense."



She looked at him for a long time. Eyes as vacant as two stones. She might have been dead for all the life in her.



Odd kept at it. "He's a hundred percent perfect, this one. Sure, he's hard to get fed. I know that. And I know it's you suffering his temper tantrums when he's at the teat. But he's brand-new to this business. Might you give him an inch of rope?"



If it was possible, the look on her face went even more expressionless. Still she would not look away from him.



"Some things just aren't meant to be understood," she said. "Some things are just invisible and out of reach."



Odd crossed the room, offered her Harry. "He ain't out of reach. He's right goddamn here. Take him."



She put her arm back over her eyes. "Your mother," Rebekah began before Odd could say more, "she was real sad after you were born. Melancholy's what Hosea called it. Said she had the sadness disease. But still she wouldn't set you down. She wouldn't stop ogling you. She was more in love with you than she could even imagine."