The Lie(98)

I take it all in and know that I’ve never been so honest, never been so real with myself than I was right then. That that’s something I need to honor.

I have other people to honor as well.

Before I head to the airport, I have the cab driver drop me off at the cemetery where Miranda and Hamish are buried together. I stop in front of their graves and put down a haphazard bouquet of late flowers I picked from my mum’s garden.

It’s a quiet morning here, almost empty, and the sunshine is golden. Foggy patches still linger and a bird close by sings on and on in a sweetly chirping tune. It sounds like spring, even though we are rushing into autumn. Maybe it’s a sign of rebirth. Maybe I don’t need any more signs.

I clear my throat and stand above the graves, the shiny headstones. “You both know there’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think of you. That I don’t remember every beautiful detail. That will never change. As long as I keep living, that will never change. Through the good and the bad, you both taught me so much and more than that you taught me what it’s like to be alive.” I pause, taking in a deep breath. “I just wanted you both to know that I love you. And that I’ve found someone that makes me very happy. Thing haven’t worked out the way any of us thought and I wish I could make it so that you were both here with me. But the truth is, life has other plans for us, greater than the ones we have for ourselves. I think…I think I’m finally ready to move on. I don’t know where I’m going but I know what I want and I’m going to fight for it. I just wanted your permission, your forgiveness, before I go forward.”

I know the dead can’t respond but that doesn’t mean I don’t wait. I close my eyes, taking in the sorrow and the grief and exhaling hope. I can feel it in my bones.

I feel love.

And I feel free.





CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

Natasha



It’s been two weeks since I last talked to Brigs, that tearful, horrible day in his office where I not only broke my own heart but broke his too. Two weeks and that image of his face crumbling before me, of the hurt and devastation on his brow, won’t leave my mind. It’s all I see. It’s in my dreams, it’s when I’m awake. It’s my punishment for giving him up, to see how badly I hurt him.

But I’m hurting too. Deeply. Beyond repair. Just like before, I’m on the edge of the black hole and so close to going over. I know that freefall – it’s a lot like love. But there’s no happy ending.

I don’t know how I keep from going over. Maybe it’s because I know what the depths feel like. Maybe it’s because this was my choice this time. I just know it was the only thing I could do. I had ruined him in the past and it was our love that took so much away from his life. I won’t do that again.

And maybe it’s because I know I won’t survive it in the end. How could he love me, look at me when he knows I’m the reason he’s had to give up a perfect career?

He would resent me. I would resent myself.

We would break up.

And once again, he would have nothing.

He’s gone through more than anyone should already.

I just can’t do it.

The terrible thing is, I know he loves me more than he loves his job. I know that everything he said is true – that he would leave his job for me in a heartbeat, that he would do it for us. I know it and that’s why I couldn’t let it happen. I couldn’t let him make that choice.

So I made it for him.

And I’m dying inside. Slowly.

But so fucking surely.

It’s all made worse by the fact that not only do I keep seeing him at school, thankfully at a distance, even though it devastates me to even see his shadow, but I’m still living with Melissa.

It’s not for lack of trying. I’m on Craigslist and wanted roommate ads every single day. I’m applying non-stop and I’m visiting flats when I’m not at school. But it’s not so easy when you’re on a budget and school has just started. I almost accepted a shared room with this angry girl until she made an overly racist comment about someone else who applied, then I had to hightail it out of there.

There is no silver lining here. No saving grace. Melissa doesn’t say a word to me but somehow that makes it worse. She’s watching me all the time, trying to see where I’m going, what I’m doing. It’s like having a fucking private detective following your every move and she’s waiting for me to slip up.

But I’m not slipping up. I haven’t contacted Brigs and aside from two emails that I quickly erased with all the willpower possible, I haven’t heard from him. I’m doing everything I can to keep him out of trouble, to let him keep the life he had before.