No one makes my life miserable but me.
Natasha told me to stay away, to not contact her.
I’ll grant her that – for now.
But if I’m going to get her back, I have to do what I can to change this.
I have to do what’s right.
***
The week slogs on by like molasses and I stay true to what she asked of me. I don’t contact Natasha at all, even though she’s on my mind every minute of the day. I’m wondering if she’s still living with Melissa, if she’s managed to find a place yet or if she’s somehow putting up with her and deciding to stay put. That doesn’t seem like something she’d be able to do but then again, I didn’t think it was so easy for her to leave me either.
I’m trying not to be bitter about it. It’s hard though. Because as much as I understand Natasha’s reasoning, I don’t understand why she thinks losing my job is harder than losing her. Jobs come and go. Love is a million to one.
I don’t see her at school during the week and I don’t know if that’s luck – or bad luck – or if she’s even at school. I do see Melissa though, unfortunately. She hasn’t said anything to me but she does stare at me with this smugness I wish I could wipe off her face. I don’t give her anything though. I act like normal, even happy at times and forever the dorky professor because the last thing I want is for her to take pleasure in what she’s done, to enjoy my pain. So I wear a mask and I wear it well.
When the weekend finally arrives, I fly up to Edinburgh to my parents’ house, asking Lachlan to be present as well. I wasn’t too sure I wanted Kayla there but Lachlan was adamant that she’ll soon be my sister-in-law and that she’s part of our clan. I had to agree.
On Saturday night we’re all gathered around the dinner table, everyone looking at me expectantly. I know they think I have some grand old news and while it’s news, it’s not at all what they’re expecting to hear.
My mum, in fact, looks especially anxious, like she thinks I’m about to announce Natasha is pregnant or we’re getting married or something of that nature. I’m sorry to disappoint her.
I clear my throat. “Well, I bet you’re wondering why I asked for you all to come to dinner.”
“I assumed it’s because of your mother’s cooking,” my dad says.
“That’s true,” I concede.
“I assumed it’s because you miss me,” Kayla says.
“Also true,” I tell her with a quick smile. “But actually…I have some news. And it’s not exactly good news either.”
“Oh my god,” my mum gasps, hand going to her chest. “You and Natasha broke up.”
I tilt my head, considering it. “That is part of it.”
Lachlan gives me a heavy look. “I’m so sorry,” he says and I can see how much he means it.
I wince. “Well, the thing is. Okay, this is going to be weird to hear and I know I should have told you all this a very, very long time ago. It’s just that I was too afraid that you wouldn’t understand, that you would judge.”
“We would never judge you, Brigs,” my mother says.
“Even I wouldn’t,” Kayla adds.
I sigh. “Okay. Here goes. I met Natasha the summer before Miranda died. We met, as we’ve told you, at the short film festival office. But it didn’t end there. There was something so…enigmatic about her, she drew me in like gravity and it was something I’d never ever felt before. I was a fool and I was lonely and I wanted that around me. So I invited Natasha to become my research assistant for my book.” I pause. “And she accepted.” I look around and everyone is still staring at me, though I think Kayla is catching on from the sly look in her eyes.
I clear the dust from my throat and push on. “So we worked together almost every day that summer. And I…I fell in love with her.” I expect my mum to gasp but still…silence. I can hear the fridge kick on in the kitchen. “And she fell in love with me. I never slept with her. I was as faithful to Miranda as possible but the truth was I didn’t love her and I’m not sure I ever really did. Not even close to the way that I felt – that I still feel – for Natasha. I had an emotional affair and it was wrong. The both of us knew it. And I especially knew I had to leave Miranda.”
I suck in my breath and close my eyes, hoping it makes the next part easier. “So, I told Miranda one night. It was the wrong night for honesty. I told her I wanted a divorce and when she refused, I told her the truth, that I was in love with someone else. She panicked. She was drunk. Beyond angry. All understandable. There were so many things I should have done in hindsight but I didn’t know. I didn’t know. I didn’t expect her to grab Hamish and then get in the car and drive…”