“I almost didn’t recognize you. Probably because you never visit me. I wouldn’t know your voice because you never call me either. Would it kill you to call once in a while? Maybe you could even write a letter if you were feeling particularly generous.”
“I’m sorry, Bubbe.” She made it to the front of the crowd and squinted up at Braden. She also had twenty/twenty vision incidentally. “Who’s the Viking?”
“This is my boyfriend, Braden, Bubbe.”
“Your boyfriend? We thought you were gay. Does he have a job?”
“He’s a lawyer.”
“A lawyer who makes money or a lawyer like you?”
“He’s a prosecutor.”
“So, a lawyer like you but on the right side.” She squinted again. “He doesn’t look Jewish.”
“He’s not Jewish, Bubbe.”
“Why not?”
“What do you mean why not?” Rachel cut in. “Because he’s not! And I’ve got news for you. It doesn’t matter! I married a nice Jewish guy.” Oh no! Here we go! “A doctor! Top of the freaking Jewish food chain. And do you know where he is now? Shacking up with a twenty-three-year-old shiksa! That’s where he is now!”
“Well, were you keeping him happy in bed?” Bubbe asked, and I started to panic.
“Ma!” my mother cut in. “How could you ask that? You’re not gonna blame her because her husband cheated on her?!”
“I’ll bet you any money she didn’t give him oral attention,” Bubbe announced.
“Uh! I don’t think we should…” I tried.
“Excuse me! But a lot of women simply do not enjoy performing oral sex! I mean guys pee out of that thing!” Rachel shouted.
“See? What did I tell you?” Bubbe looked smug.
“Braden, maybe we should check on dinner,” I said desperately.
“Uh,” he replied. I grabbed his hand and dragged him into the kitchen where Ira was still talking dry cleaning and my dad’s eyes were glazing over.
“I’m so sorry,” I said to Braden and I meant it from the bottom of my heart.
“It’s okay! Don’t worry so much.” I could hear Rachel and Bubbe yelling at one another in the other room. My mom popped her head in.
“So, Ben, sweetheart, does the brisket look done?”
“Judy! Yes, honey, why don’t you help me? I don’t want to impose on Ira here. Ira, why don’t you go in the other room and relax?” Like anybody could relax with the cage match going on in there.
“Okay, if you don’t mind.”
“No! Not at all! Go! Really!” my dad pleaded. Ira grabbed a carrot stick and headed for the other room. Maybe he had learned to block them out.
“Daddy, can Braden and I please stay in here and help you too? Please!”
“Yes, of course sweetheart! You don’t have to go back out there.”
“So, Braden, I hope you like brisket,” my mother said with a smile just as Rachel shouted something about how maybe Bubbe should just go and blow all the guys in her bridge club.
“I do, thanks,” he said, trying not to laugh. My dad turned to face him with a look of exasperated amusement, and in that moment, Braden Pierce and Ben Ginsberg bonded.
“Okay, let’s get this show on the road. Gabby, do you want to light the candles, sweetheart?” Dad asked.
“Okay. Ma, will you please make them be quiet?”
“Of course, honey.” She took a deep breath. “Ben, Gabby, I love you. Braden, darling I think you’re wonderful. Okay! Let’s go!” she said in a voice filled with steely determination. We got into the other room and my mother put two fingers to her lips and whistled shrilly. “Everybody shut up! It’s time to light the candles and welcome the Sabbath!” I sighed.
“Here you go, Braden,” my dad said, handing him a yarmulke. Braden looked at it like he had just been given a gift. There weren’t a lot of six foot three blonde-haired blue-eyed guys who wore Jewish skull caps, but he managed to carry it off pretty well. We went into the dining room and everyone stood by the sideboard as I lit the candles and said the blessing. I glanced up and smiled at Braden who was watching me carefully. He really found this interesting. I also saw my parents watching him. The fact that he found it interesting made them happy. Somebody up there must have been listening to the prayers because my crazy relatives stopped screaming at each other and sat down quietly. It was a Sabbath miracle.
Dinner wasn’t too bad. The food was great and my relatives had the courtesy to call a ceasefire. For most of it anyway. There were a few awkward moments.