The Law of Attraction(61)
“Braden, this is my mom, Judy, and this is my dad Ben. Mom, Dad, this is Braden.”
“Hello,” my parents said at the same time.
I could see that they weren’t completely sure what to do with the six foot three beautiful blonde gentile that their daughter had brought home, but that whatever it was, they wanted to do it right.
“It’s a pleasure to meet you,” Braden said, sounding very charming but also a tiny bit nervous.
My dad went over and shook Braden’s hand warmly.
“The pleasure’s all ours! Gabby’s never brought anyone home to meet us before. You must be special to her.” My dad was such a nice guy, which explained why he was willing to marry into my mom’s wacky family.
My mom came over and took both of Braden’s hands in hers. “Wow, you’re very handsome, and a lawyer! That’s nice! Please come in; let’s get you off the street.” We went up the steps and into the front parlor. “Have a seat; make yourself comfortable. Can I get you something? Wine, beer, juice? We have good juice! Fresh squeezed.” I had a feeling she would have grown the oranges herself for him if she could have. I wandered in behind everyone else and found a seat on my own.
“Oh, I’m fine, thanks,” Braden answered politely. Apparently nobody cared if I wanted juice.
“So, did you guys make reservations for us somewhere?” I asked.
“We decided that we should do Shabbos dinner here and we invited the family,” my dad said.
“Please tell me you’re joking.”
“Gabby, sweetie,” my mom said consolingly. “It’s best to get it over with quickly, trust me.”
“Honey, I met them on my first date with your mother.” He looked at Braden. “I married her anyway.” I saw Braden try not to laugh. “It’s okay! You can laugh. We laugh a lot here. It keeps us sane and being sane is what separates us from the rest of Judy’s family.”
“Who’s coming here? I demand that you tell me!”
“Uncle Ira, Aunt Ruthie and Rachel,” my mom answered.
“Okay fine.”
“And Bubbe of course.”
“Oh great!” I threw my hands up in the air, got up and started pacing.
“You told Braden about Bubbe, right, Gab?” my dad asked, smiling nervously.
“I told him that she’s blunt.”
“Blunt?” My mother seemed to consider that. “That was very tactful, honey.” She turned to Braden. “Braden, darling, my mother’s got a dirty mind and a mouth like a sailor. She’s also got no tact whatsoever. Just ignore her.” She gave him a sweet smile.
“Seriously, just ignore Rose,” my dad seconded. “The night that I met her, she shook my hand and asked me how many women I had schtupped. I’ll be happy to translate any Yiddish that you don’t understand, by the way.” He hesitated. “You can probably figure that one out though.”
“Uh yeah,” Braden said with a laugh. For some reason he looked delighted. I think he was having fun!
“Well. Let’s get your stuff up to your room. You’re staying together right?” Dad asked.
“That’s okay?” Braden asked.
“Oh sure! We don’t care!”
“Thanks Dad,” I said dryly.
“Well, I mean we care but we figure Gabby can make her own choices, and we’d rather see her sleeping with you than a bunch of cats.” He turned and headed up the stairs, with us following in his wake. We went down the hall to my room. It hadn’t changed much over the years. The queen-sized bed covered with soft pillows, the overflowing bookshelves and comfy reading chair, the framed black and white photos of Dorothy Parker and Woody Allen hanging on the wall. It was all still there.
“I’ll let you two get settled. Come down whenever you’re ready.”
“Okay Dad.” I turned to Braden. “We’ll go out for dinner tomorrow.”
“I’m happy to eat in. This is your Sabbath dinner, right?”
“Yeah, but we’re not super religious. We light candles and break bread and drink wine but we’re not going to cart you off to a synagogue or anything.”
“I think it’s interesting! I’ve had dinner on Friday nights with Adam’s family before.”
“You have? Well, that’s great. But I should warn you, we’re more like The Addams family.”
“Stop worrying! My great-uncle Leland thinks he’s still in the army even though he’s seventy-eight.” Braden came over and stood behind me, circling my waist with his arms. “I think your parents are great. I see where you get your sense of humor.”