“Be right back, Your Honor,” Wayne said, scurrying off. Braden and I each presented our witnesses. His side basically just said the same thing he had.
My side's testimony consisted of Ms. Rodriguez, affirming that she and my client were a very playful couple, and that he frequently grabbed her behind in public. Further, she was standing directly next to Ms. Parker on the very crowded bus. So crowded, that it would be difficult to tell one behind from another. She also pointed out that as soon as he had recognized his mistake, Mr. McBride had apologized profusely to Ms. Parker, but that Mr. Connolly had become quite hostile. In fact, Ms. Parker had seemed inclined to accept the apology, but Mr. Connolly would not let it go.
“And your argument is, Ms. Ginsberg?” the judge asked when all testimony was complete.
“That first and foremost my client lacked criminal intent, but that this case is also ridiculous. Seriously, Your Honor, is this a worthy investment of the resources of the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania and the time of the Court of Common Pleas of Philadelphia? My client grabbed the wrong behind on a crowded bus and apologized to owner of said behind. The DA's office wants to have him labeled as a sex offender! Although Mr. Connolly is angry, it doesn't even seem like Ms. Parker wants to prosecute this case.”
“Objection, Your Honor!” Braden said, flashing me a warning look.
“Sustained. However, and I can't believe I'm going to say this twice in the same day, I think Ms. Ginsberg has a point, Mr. Pierce. This was a quick grab as I understand it? Not a prolonged fondle? And he immediately apologized. His girlfriend isn't even mad at him. That should tell you something. Can't we just resolve this?”
“Judge!” Mr. Connolly jumped in. “He grabbed my girlfriend's ass! Wouldn't you be mad if some pervert did that to your girlfriend? ”
“Well… err, that's not relevant, Mr. Connolly,” the judge answered.
“How about you?!” He demanded, turning to Braden.
“Well, frankly…” he began, but stopped as soon as he saw my glare. “I'm not permitted to testify.”
“Any guy would be mad!” Mr. Connolly shouted. “You can't just go around grabbing women's asses on the bus!”
“It was a mistake and he apologized, Your Honor,” I repeated emphatically.
“Perhaps if Mr. McBride had also apologized to Mr. Connolly,” Braden suggested.
“To him?” I asked indignantly. “It was her a… behind and he apologized to her!”
“Mr. Connolly happens to have exclusive access to that behind,” Braden continued.
“Exclusive access?! What is she, an easement?”
“ENOUGH!” Judge Channing had finally reached his limit and slammed down his gavel. “Mr. Connolly, if Mr. McBride apologizes to you would you let it go?”
“Yeah, I guess. Just don't let it happen again!”
“Hey man, I'm really sorry! Hell, I would be mad if somebody grabbed her ass too,” he said gesturing toward Ms. Rodriguez.
“Yeah, okay,” Mr. Connolly answered as the four of them walked off.
“Case dismissed,” the judge said and banged his gavel again. That was the last case of the day and Braden and I both packed up our things to go.
“Perhaps we could have a little chat?” I asked with a smile.
“Sure.”
“How about my office this time? It’s closer,” I answered. Public defenders had an onsite office just like prosecutors did. It was the place that we used to interview clients and witnesses. Because it was the end of the day it was practically empty. I went straight to one of the interview rooms and shut the door behind me.
“A burrito as a deadly weapon? A mistaken fanny grabber as a sex offender?”
“There's a lot of pressure right now at my office to push things through. I threw out all of the higher charges on that case! It would have been resolved before trial.”
“I know, but these are people's lives, Braden! Those stupid schmucks had to miss work to come here. There are so many serious cases out there, involving seriously bad people. Why are you guys wasting time with this garbage?”
“I don't like it either! I have to do my job, though, just like you have to do your job when you tell a jury that it's reasonable to believe that a normal person throws a wine and cheese party in his pants!”
I tried not to laugh. Really, I did. I fought it for as long as I could and then I finally gave up and dissolved into the kind of laughter that makes you double over and pee your pants — which thankfully, I didn't do. Braden started to laugh with me and the two of us could barely breathe after a couple of minutes.
“So if we were on a date,” I gasped, “and someone mistakenly grabbed my ass on a bus, would you prosecute him as a sex offender?”