“Well then, we’ll definitely need to sleep in the next day. Now I have to get out of here before I hit the floor… with you under me.”
Tuesday
Commonwealth v. Murphy
My client, Ms. Brandy Murphy, had elected to go non-jury for her simple assault trial. That meant that the judge would determine whether or not she was guilty of assaulting her boyfriend Mr. Vinnie Virillo, who was presently testifying for the Commonwealth. The fates were smiling down on Ms. Murphy. That morning Judge Channing had awoken with a case of the runs, and sitting in for him was Judge Anita Blasko, President of the Women’s Bar Association. The courtroom also happened to be packed with women who had dated at least one Vinnie Virillo in their lives.
“Mr. Virillo, can you please describe for the judge what led to the police arriving at your house on April sixteenth of this year?” Braden asked the witness.
“I was in bed with my girlfriend and she started beating on me, so I got up and ran, and she ran after me and the neighbor called the cops.”
“Let’s go back, you were in bed with your girlfriend and what specifically happened?” More like what hadn’t happened, I thought cynically. I tried to keep my expression neutral even though Mr. Virillo had the same effect on my stomach as mixing a few gin martinis, a bottle of red wine, some orange Gatorade and a Twinkie. Don’t ask how I know that.
“We were having sex, you know? I got off, but she didn’t, and she was really pissed, sorry, mad, because I ain’t been trying too hard lately if you know what I mean.” Many women sitting in the courtroom waiting for cases knew what he meant, because I heard some angry female grumbling coming from behind me.
“Are you saying that she became angry because you reached orgasm before she did?” Let me just take a moment here to give myself some credit and point out as an aside that I have some pretty mad concentration skills, because hearing Braden Pierce say the word “orgasm” was almost enough to make me actually have one… okay, back to business.
“Not before I did!” My client got up from the defense table and yelled at Braden. “That selfish bastard don’t care if I ever do!” One of the spectators tossed out a, “you tell ‘em, honey!”
“Ms. Murphy!” I whispered harshly, all but forcing her to sit down. “You can’t do that. You’re just going to hurt your case.”
“Ms. Murphy!” Judge Blasko cautioned. “Listen to your lawyer and remain calm for your own good. And I’ll need everyone in the courtroom to remain quiet, please.” Ms. Murphy was mad and I didn’t blame her. Luckily, Judge Blasko looked like she didn’t either.
“So, Mr. Virillo,” Braden continued, “when you say she beat you, what do you mean?”
“She whacked me in the chest.”
“Was it a hard whack…Uh, that is, did she strike you with force?” Braden glanced at me and actually looked embarrassed. I could tell that he hated this case.
“Well, really it was more like a push. I went flying off of her and I wasn’t sticking around to find out what else she would do. She was really pissed, man. Sorry – mad.”
“And you said she ran after you?” There was more mumbling from the female part of the crowd and Judge Blasko shot them a warning look.
“Yeah! I headed for the door and she threw my clothes after me. The old lady who lives next door was outside and she got all worked up because I was naked, you know? So I told her, hey, lady, my crazy ass girlfriend is gonna beat the crap outta me and she called the cops on her.”
“No further questions.” Braden sat down with a look of relief.
“Ms. Ginsberg, cross.” Judge Blasko gave me a look that made me think that she was hoping I would kick this guy in the wack. I was happy to oblige. Mr. Virillo was goin’ down, possibly for the first time in his sorry life. I stood up and advanced on him confidently. He seemed to shrink back.
“Mr. Virillo, you didn’t sustain any injuries, did you?” I asked.
“Nah. I was too fast for her.” He started to laugh at his own stupid joke but I cut off his mirth with a quick follow-up question. I stood directly in front of him now and stared at him hard as I watched him squirm. I got the feeling that he wasn’t used to women standing up to him. In fact, I suspected that was part of the reason that we were there.
“She shoved you so hard that you quote “flew off of her” unquote but you didn’t have a single mark on you?”
“Objection. Argumentative.” Braden still had to do his job even if he hated the case.
“Overruled. Answer the question.” I got the feeling that the judge really wanted to say, “answer the question asshole.” It must be hard to be a judge sometimes.