“Yeah, Jonah?”
“It’s kind of boring out here.”
“I think it’s peaceful,” Steve responded.
“But I can barely see anything.”
“You can see the stars. And hear the waves.”
“I hear them all the time. They sound the same every day.”
“When do you want to start practicing standing on your head?”
“Maybe tomorrow.”
Steve put his arm around his son. “What’s wrong? You sound kind of sad.”
“Nothing.” Jonah’s voice was barely audible.
“Are you sure?”
“Can I go to school here?” he asked. “And live with you?”
Steve knew he’d have to tread carefully. “What about your mom?”
“I love Mom. And I miss her, too. But I like it here. I like spending time with you. You know, making the window, flying kites. Just hanging out. I’ve had so much fun. I don’t want it to end.”
Steve drew him close. “I love being with you, too. The best summer of my life. But if you’re in school, it’s not as if we’d be together like we are now.”
“Maybe you could homeschool me.”
Jonah’s voice was soft, almost scared, and to Steve, he actually sounded his age. The realization made his throat tighten. He hated what he had to say next, even though he had no choice. “I think your mom would miss you if you stayed with me.”
“Maybe you could move back. Maybe you and Mom could get married again.”
Steve took a deep breath, hating this. “I know this is hard and doesn’t seem fair. I wish there were a way I could change that, but I can’t. You need to be with your mom. She loves you so much, and she wouldn’t know what to do without you. But I love you, too. I never want you to forget that.”
Jonah nodded as though he’d expected Steve’s response. “Are we still going to Fort Fisher tomorrow?”
“If you want to. And afterwards, maybe we can go to the waterslides.”
“There are waterslides there?”
“No. But there’s a place not too far from there. We just have to remember to bring our suits.”
“Okay,” Jonah said, sounding more animated.
“Maybe we’ll go to Chuck E. Cheese’s, too.”
“Really?”
“If you want to. We can make it happen.”
“Okay,” he said. “I want to.”
Jonah was quiet again before finally reaching for the cooler. When he pulled out a plastic bag of cookies, Steve knew enough not to say anything.
“Hey, Dad?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you think the turtles will hatch tonight?”
“I don’t think they’re quite ready yet, but it shouldn’t be long.”
Jonah brought his lips together but said nothing, and Steve knew his son was thinking about leaving again. He squeezed him a little closer, but inside he felt something break, something he knew would never quite heal.
Early the next morning, Steve stared down the beach, knowing that if he walked, he would do so simply to enjoy the morning.
God, he came to realize, wasn’t there. At least for him, anyway. But that made sense, now that he thought about it. If pinpointing God’s presence were really that simple, then he supposed the beaches would be more crowded in the mornings. They would be filled with people on their own quests, instead of people jogging or walking their dogs or fishing in the surf.
The search for God’s presence, he understood now, was as much of a mystery as God himself, and what was God, if not mystery?
Funny, though, that it took him so long to see it that way.
* * *
He spent the day with Jonah, just as they’d planned the night before. The fort was probably more interesting to him than Jonah, since he understood some of the history of the War Between the States and knew that Wilmington was the last major functioning port in the Confederacy. The waterslides, however, were far more exciting for Jonah than they were for Steve. Everyone was responsible for carrying his own mat up to the top, and while Jonah was strong enough the first couple of times, Steve soon had to take over.
He honestly felt as though he were going to die.
Chuck E. Cheese’s, a pizza parlor with dozens of video games, kept Jonah occupied for another couple of hours. They played three games of air hockey, accumulated a few hundred game tickets, and, after cashing in the tickets, walked out with two squirt guns, three bouncy balls, a packet of colored pencils, and two erasers. He didn’t even want to think about how much it had cost him.
It was a good day, a day of laughter, but wearying. After spending some time with Ronnie, he went to bed. Exhausted, he fell asleep within minutes.