He swallowed, resisting the temptation to kiss her again. “I will until the end of August. I’m going to Vanderbilt in the fall.”
From one of the houses up the beach drifted the faint strains of music; squinting into the distance, Will could see a group congregated on the back deck. The song was something from the eighties, though he couldn’t pinpoint it.
“That should be fun.”
“I guess.”
“You don’t sound very excited.”
Will took her hand and they began to stroll again. “It’s a great school, and the campus is beautiful,” he recited a little awkwardly.
She studied him. “But you don’t want to go there?”
Ronnie seemed to intuit his every feeling and thought, which was both disconcerting and a source of relief. At least he could tell her the truth.
“I wanted to go somewhere else, and I got accepted at a school that has this incredible environmental science program, but my mom really wanted me to go to Vanderbilt.” He could feel the sand sliding between his toes as he walked.
“Do you always do what your mom wants?”
“You don’t understand,” he said, shaking his head. “It’s a family tradition. My grandparents went there, my parents went there, my sister went there. My mom is on the board of trustees, and… she…”
He struggled to find the right words. Beside him, he could sense Ronnie watching him, but he couldn’t meet her gaze.
“I know that she can be kind of… distant when people meet her for the first time. But once you get to know her, she’s the truest person in the world. She would do anything—I mean anything—for me. But the last few years have been really hard for her.”
He stopped to pick out a seashell from the sand. After examining it, he sent it arcing toward the waves. “Do you remember when you asked about the bracelet?”
Ronnie nodded, waiting for him to go on.
“My sister and I wear the bracelets in honor of our little brother. His name was Mike, and he was a great little guy… the kind of kid who was happiest when he was with other people. He had this real infectious laugh, and you couldn’t help but laugh along with him when something funny happened.” He paused, looking over the water. “Anyway, four years ago, Scott and I had a basketball game and it was my mom’s turn to drive, so like always, Mike came along with us. It had been raining all day, and a lot of the roads were slick. I should have been paying more attention, but Scott and I started playing mercy in the backseat. You know that game? Where you try to bend each other’s wrists in the wrong direction until one of you gives in?”
He hesitated, trying to summon his strength for the rest of what he had to say.
“We were really trying to get each other—wiggling and kicking the back of the seat—and my mom kept telling us to stop, but we ignored her. In the end, I got Scott just where I wanted and I really gave it my all and I made him scream. My mom turned around to see what happened, and that was all it took. She lost control of the car. And…” He swallowed, feeling the words choke him. “Anyway, Mike didn’t make it. Hell, without Scott, my mom and I probably wouldn’t have made it either. We went through the guardrail and into the water. The thing is, Scott’s an amazing swimmer, grew up at the beach and all that—and he managed to pull the three of us out, even though he was only twelve at the time. But Mikey…” Will pinched the bridge of his nose. “Mikey died on impact. He hadn’t even finished his first year of kindergarten.”
Ronnie reached for his hand. “I’m so sorry.”
“Me, too.” He blinked back the tears that still came when he thought of that day.
“You know it was an accident, right?”
“Yeah, I know. And my mom does, too. But even so, she blames herself for losing control of the car, just like I know there’s a part of her that blames me, too.” He shook his head. “Anyway, after that, she’s always felt the need to control things. Including me. I know she’s just trying to keep me safe, to keep bad things from happening, and I think part of me believes that, too. I mean, look what happened. My mom just completely lost it at the funeral, and I hated myself for doing that to her. I felt responsible. And I promised myself I would try to somehow make it up to her. Even though I knew that I couldn’t.”
As he spoke, he began to twist the macramé bracelet.
“What do the letters mean? IMTF?”
“In my thoughts forever. It was my sister’s idea, as a way to remember him. She told me about it right after the funeral, but I barely heard her. I mean, it was just so awful to be in the church that day. With my mom screaming and my little brother in the casket, and my dad and sister crying… I swore that I’d never go to another funeral.”