He supposed he wasn’t much different from most parents in his worries for them. They were still young, they both had long lives ahead of them, and he wondered what would become of them. Nothing fancy: He would ask God whether He thought they would be happy, or continue to live in New York, or whether they would ever get married and have children. The basics, nothing more, but it was then, at that moment, that he finally understood what Pastor Harris had meant when he said he walked and talked with God.
Unlike Pastor Harris, however, he’d yet to hear the answers in his heart or experience God’s presence in his life, and he knew he didn’t have much time.
He glanced at the clock. Kim’s plane was leaving in less than three hours. She would leave from the hospital to go straight to the airport with Jonah sitting beside her, and the realization was terrifying.
In just a little while, he would hold his son for the last time; today, he would say good-bye.
Jonah was in tears as soon as he rushed into the room, racing straight for the bed. Steve had just enough time to open his arms before Jonah fell into them. His birdlike shoulders were shuddering, and Steve felt his own heart breaking. He concentrated on how his son felt against him, trying to memorize the sensation.
Steve loved his children more than life itself, but more than that, he knew that Jonah needed him, and once more, he was struck by the realization that he was failing as a father.
Jonah continued to cry inconsolably. Steve held him close, wanting never to let go. Ronnie and Kim stood in the doorway, keeping their distance.
“They’re trying to send me home, Daddy,” Jonah whimpered. “I told them I could stay with you, but they’re not listening. I’ll be good, Daddy. I promise I’ll be good. I’ll go to bed when you tell me to and I’ll clean my room and I won’t eat cookies when I’m not supposed to. Tell them I can stay. I promise to be good.”
“I know you’d be good,” Steve murmured. “You’ve always been good.”
“Then tell her, Dad! Tell her you want me to stay! Please! Just tell her!”
“I do want you to stay,” he said, hurting for himself and for his son. “I want that more than anything, but your mom needs you, too. She misses you.”
If Jonah had held out any hope, it ended then and there, and he began to cry again.
“But I’m never going to see you again… and it’s not fair! It’s just not fair!”
Steve tried to talk through the tightness in his throat. “Hey…,” he said. “I want you to listen to me, okay? Can you do that for me?”
Jonah forced himself to look up. Though he tried not to, Steve knew he was beginning to choke on his words. It took everything he had not to break down in front of his son.
“I want you to know that you’re the best son a dad could hope to have. I’ve always been so proud of you, and I know you’re going to grow up and do wonderful things. I love you so much.”
“I love you, too, Daddy. And I’m going to miss you so much.”
From the corner of his eye, Steve could see Ronnie and Kim, tears running down their faces.
“I’m going to miss you, too. But I’m always going to watch over you, okay? I promise. Do you remember the window we made together?”
Jonah nodded, his little jaw quivering.
“I call it God Light, because it reminds me of heaven. Every time the light shines through the window we built or any window at all, you’ll know I’m right there with you, okay? That’s going to be me. I’ll be the light in the window.”
Jonah nodded, not even bothering to wipe away his tears. Steve continued to hold his son, wishing with all his heart that he could make things better.
35
Ronnie
Ronnie went outside with her mom and Jonah to see them off, and to speak with her mom alone before she left, asking her to do something for her as soon as she got back to New York. Then she returned to the hospital and sat with her dad, waiting until he fell asleep. For a long time he remained silent, staring out the window. She held his hand, and they sat together without speaking, both of them watching the clouds drifting slowly beyond the glass.
She wanted to stretch her legs and get some fresh air; her dad’s good-bye to Jonah had left her drained and shaky. She didn’t want to picture her brother on the plane or entering their apartment; she didn’t want to think about whether he was still crying.
Outside, she walked along the sidewalk in front of the hospital, her mind wandering. She was almost past him when she heard him clear his throat. He was seated on a bench; despite the heat, he wore the same kind of long-sleeved shirt he always did.