The Last Outlaw(39)

“But you have before.”

“When?”

“Every time I try to tell you.”

“Tell me what?”

She hesitated again before speaking up. “I just think…if it was you…my Jake…if you were the last one to…do that… It would make everything better. Because…you love me and you’d…you’d find a way to make it beautiful because you’ve always said…you had too much respect for me as a person… I mean…you understand that would be hard for me. And yet you would be doing it for me.”

He reminded himself not to react in a way that might scare her away and end the conversation. He realized what she was telling him, but what if it brought back memories that would send her over the edge? “Randy, you’re talking about something that could have a bad effect on you, even though it’s me.”

“No, it won’t.” She sniffed back tears and put her hand over his as he held his to her face. “Jake, I can’t explain why. But if it was you…that’s the memory I would keep. And it would make the ugly way they did it go away because it would be you…my Jake…and it would be an act of love.”

Jake didn’t say anything for a few minutes, weighing what she was asking. Letting this beautiful, proper woman he adored do what she was asking didn’t seem right, even though he’d been totally intimate with her body. It struck him that all he’d ever cared about was making sure she took pleasure in everything he did with her and to her. He got his deep pleasure in return just being inside her, owning her, watching her breathe deeply in utter passion and surrender. If she’d ever once said no, he would have stopped. He’d never even considered she might need to feel the same way—that she needed to please him, to touch him and taste him in her own way. “We’ve talked about this, Randy. Those men did something I’ve never asked of you because I’ve always felt you’re too proper and—”

“I know,” she interrupted. “That’s just it, Jake.” She sniffed in another sob. “They made it so ugly, but you can make it better, because if we…did that…it would be…beautiful and…intimate…and right. I know you’ve never asked that of me because you think I’m too special…but I need you to understand why it would help me get over what happened. You think they made it so ugly…and they did. And when brutal men…do that…it’s called that ugly, ugly word. But no one can call it that…if it’s between a man and wife and out of love. Then the act becomes beautiful.”

Jake could hardly believe his ears. “Randy, what if it just makes things worse for you?”

She shook her head. “It won’t. I just know it won’t. You’re my Jake. You’ll make it beautiful. Don’t tell me you’ve never done that because I know how you grew up. I need you to understand why I need to share that with you. It would make it beautiful for me because everything you do to me is beautiful. I feel the adoration in your every touch. It would erase the ugly. You refuse to do it, and I understand why…and I wouldn’t want to do it often. Maybe even just once. I only know I need to do this, Jake. You have to stop insisting I shouldn’t. It’s what I want, and if it gives you pleasure in return, I’ll feel better about all of it, and I’ll feel closer to you again.”

He pulled her closer. “You have to be sure, Randy. I could lose you completely.”

“I am sure. I’ve been sure ever since we went to the line shack after that horrible attack. We were so intimate, and I kept saying maybe we should do that because it might help, and you kept refusing, thinking I would hate it.”

“You still might.”

She nuzzled her lips against his neck. “It would be you. How could I possibly hate it?”

“Because you aren’t made that way, Randy. Something like that isn’t natural for you.”

“Letting you be so intimate with me wasn’t natural for me either when we first became lovers. But you have a way of loving me that makes it beautiful, and makes it seem so right.”

Jake struggled for the right words. If he said one thing that made her feel ashamed or embarrassed or made her think he didn’t respect what she wanted, he’d lose her again. “Baby, you do whatever you need to do to get better. That’s all I care about.” He wrapped his hands into her hair and kissed her eyes. “And you’re right. I didn’t understand, but I was only thinking of you and trying to keep away the bad memories.”